Alive today

not suicidal per se but consumed by anxiety which makes happiness a fleeting thing seemingly out of my reach

Me: I can't remember anything ever
Me: Partially able to recall the lewis structure of ethane and the difference between sulfuric acid and hydrogen sulfate

Boyfriend said I don't need to go if I'm uncomfortable and I will follow his advice, I'd rather save my energy for him ☆( ^▽^ )

Made another dumb move with the kitchen knife and I want to punish myself and it feels so wrong that he's telling me not to, I just can't do this anymore, being alive is causing me so much pain

I slip up sometimes when I don't think. I just do. And I'm still growing.

After night 1, I blamed myself enough to distance myself again. Thought I might have exceeded my caffeine limit by ~20mg. But even if that had been the reason, it might not have been my fault since my nervous system is completely overloaded. Or it was just a silly slip-up we can look past.

Remarkable how crappy one can feel due to early awakening, this was night 4 and my thoughts were so out of control that I couldn't stop thinking about work for 3 hours after waking up. Sometimes my conscious mind goes into sleep mode but my brain doesn't shut down regardless, so no more sleep.

first therapy session ✅️

Gonna see that guy again on monday who made fictophilia sound like a fetish and I want to sigh SO loudly. I don't even want to talk to him. He's never treated a case like mine, the institution he's working for is purely my last resort.
But I took Friday off. And I'm going to take many more days off!

kinda tense, but doing a bit of chemistry math (and hydrating my body) in order to improve my mood~
I am allowed to enjoy things~
実にエレガントだ！

mom can't leave the house for long enough to buy any groceries but she can go to the nearby kiosk to buy cigarettes every week; not judging anyone for their addictions or illnesses but it was starting to get really hard on me to order for her especially if I hadn't had the chance to relax all day

Talked to my PT about my exercise ocd because she already told me repeatedly not to overdo it and she said it's good that I shared this, she will keep reminding me ✨️

he was really calm about it all but I imagined him flipping his shit if that had continued

Then there was another scene in which we were on our way home and two guys started talking to us and hitting on me(?). When they approached a second time and started getting persistent I said "OK, here's the thing, *we* are going home and *you* are going in the opposite direction (pointing)".

We were riding in the back of a car, and for some reason the car stopped and we were alone for a few minutes, so I lay down and curled up with my head on his lap. He immediately started to gently caress me (I think it was my shoulder) and heavens it felt so damn good.

Er hat fleißig Schnee geschippt und ich kann nichts machen. Geil. Mein Kopf platzt.