Astronomers assert the distance between earth and sun is 92,000,000 miles. I was out with the dog this morning and I swear it felt more like 92,000,002.

Whether it’s out of habit or Biblical faith, but I think we’re making an honest mistake whenever we pray, “Lord, please give us the strength …” Is more strength really the answer? How about, “Lord, please give us the wisdom.” Or grace. Or compassion. Me, I always pray for a little pastry.

Still looking for the perfect stocking stuffer? Consider feet.

We’ve reached an age of such rampant duplicity that if someone says he or she has my back I right away suspect they’re positioning themselves to shove me down a flight of stairs.

I remember being told in Sunday School to “Always go to the Light.” I now realize I must have just been half-listening because the light I’ve mostly gone to was neon and hanging on a wall next to a liquor license. I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant but I’ve had me a pretty good time.

I wonder about the 1st cavemen to see a dead dinosaur and realize it could feed his family. And I wonder if one of the cavemen kids protested and formed a non-profit advocating the ethical treatment of dinosaurs (PEDuh) and if in a case of Jurassic irony she was eventually eaten by a dinosaur.

I hope you'll join our family today in our Thanksgiving Day custom of concluding our dinner grace by asking God to tell Tom Petty that we all still really miss him.

Today is the day I ask if the nation of Turkey has a national bird and if it could be that obvious. #Turkey #Thanksgiving

A friend of mine said he was concerned that conservative elements of the new administration would “crack down” on the porn industry. I told him to fear not. A wise porn director will always weigh set and lighting conditions before deciding whether the money shot should be crack up or crack down.

Hi, I'm Chris R., a Latrobe, PA, author of 10 books with reliably happy endings -- even when everyone winds up in Hell. I used to tweet under @8days2Amish. From now on, I'll be sharing here thoughts like:

Strive to be so content the only thing you have left to get off your chest are your nipples.