Chris Ballard
@chriscomedyuk.bsky.social
Will be funny for cash: Daily Mash, News Quiz, Dead Ringers, What Just Happened?, Breaking the News, Noising Up, DMs Are Open, NewsThump, Treason Show, The Skewer. Profile pic by HappyToast. 🏴
The most common pub name in Britain is commonly thought to be ‘The Red Lion’.
However, having conducted my own analysis of pub signage, the most common name actually appears to be ‘Sky Sports Live Here’.
However, having conducted my own analysis of pub signage, the most common name actually appears to be ‘Sky Sports Live Here’.
November 22, 2025 at 9:47 AM
The most common pub name in Britain is commonly thought to be ‘The Red Lion’.
However, having conducted my own analysis of pub signage, the most common name actually appears to be ‘Sky Sports Live Here’.
However, having conducted my own analysis of pub signage, the most common name actually appears to be ‘Sky Sports Live Here’.
Don’t really bother posting rejected gags anymore, but this must be the closest ‘nearly’ I’ve had in six years of writing for #BreakingtheNews :
Acknowledging the programme’s mistakes, Tom Daley bent over backwards to apologise, followed by a reverse somersault with three and a half twists.
Acknowledging the programme’s mistakes, Tom Daley bent over backwards to apologise, followed by a reverse somersault with three and a half twists.
November 15, 2025 at 12:21 AM
Don’t really bother posting rejected gags anymore, but this must be the closest ‘nearly’ I’ve had in six years of writing for #BreakingtheNews :
Acknowledging the programme’s mistakes, Tom Daley bent over backwards to apologise, followed by a reverse somersault with three and a half twists.
Acknowledging the programme’s mistakes, Tom Daley bent over backwards to apologise, followed by a reverse somersault with three and a half twists.
Cumulative Impact is a great film about Earth getting destroyed by a series of small asteroids.
October 18, 2025 at 7:51 AM
Cumulative Impact is a great film about Earth getting destroyed by a series of small asteroids.
Great little tip for giving somebody ham:
Give them a piece of good news, then give them the ham, then give them another piece of good news.
This is called ‘A Ham Sandwich’.
Give them a piece of good news, then give them the ham, then give them another piece of good news.
This is called ‘A Ham Sandwich’.
October 18, 2025 at 7:35 AM
Great little tip for giving somebody ham:
Give them a piece of good news, then give them the ham, then give them another piece of good news.
This is called ‘A Ham Sandwich’.
Give them a piece of good news, then give them the ham, then give them another piece of good news.
This is called ‘A Ham Sandwich’.
Always a pleasure to be on the writing team for this wonderful panel show. It’s not a proscribed show so you may listen without being arrested.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
What Just Happened? - Series 3 - with Leila Navabi, Esyllt Sears, Carwyn Blayney and Kiri Pritchard-McLean - BBC Sounds
Robin Morgan, Kiri Pritchard-McLean and guests take a look back at the week's news.
www.bbc.co.uk
October 16, 2025 at 10:25 PM
Always a pleasure to be on the writing team for this wonderful panel show. It’s not a proscribed show so you may listen without being arrested.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Wait ‘til they hear about spending 5 hours a week writing 50 gags for Breaking the News only to MAYBE get £20 IF one of them gets broadcast 😆
Look - being a comedy writer is not mandatory. If you can do literally anything else, I’d advise against it. You have to love the bones of the work. It has to make you fizz & pop & whir and feel full of fucking oxytocin, or you don’t have a hope in hell. If you’re in it for the riches, turn back.
September 1, 2025 at 6:57 PM
Wait ‘til they hear about spending 5 hours a week writing 50 gags for Breaking the News only to MAYBE get £20 IF one of them gets broadcast 😆
Proud to contribute to a cracking #BreakingtheNews this week. Always fun to get Des to ‘do his Trump’.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Breaking the News - Susie McCabe, Alex Kealy, Krystal Evans and Scott Agnew - BBC Sounds
Des Clarke hosts Scotland's award-winning satirical news quiz.
www.bbc.co.uk
July 25, 2025 at 9:48 PM
Proud to contribute to a cracking #BreakingtheNews this week. Always fun to get Des to ‘do his Trump’.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Made it, Ma! I was Lead Writer on this week’s #BreakingtheNews. You may listen here:
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Breaking the News - Robin Ince, Amanda Dwyer, Gareth Waugh and Diona Doherty - BBC Sounds
Jay Lafferty hosts Scotland's award-winning satirical news quiz.
www.bbc.co.uk
July 18, 2025 at 1:06 PM
Made it, Ma! I was Lead Writer on this week’s #BreakingtheNews. You may listen here:
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
One of my sketches was on this week’s Dead Ringers. Buzzing like those bees that killed Macaulay Culkin in that film about a kid who gets killed by bees.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Dead Ringers - Series 26 - Episode 3. Glastonbury, Benefits, and Bombs - BBC Sounds
Satirical impressions from the team headed up by Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens.
www.bbc.co.uk
June 27, 2025 at 7:07 PM
One of my sketches was on this week’s Dead Ringers. Buzzing like those bees that killed Macaulay Culkin in that film about a kid who gets killed by bees.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
You there! Take your hands out of your pockets, sit up straight, and listen to the first episode of the new series of #BreakingtheNews! Includes a few bits of nonsense from me.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Breaking the News - Mark Nelson, Ria Lina, Elaine Malcolmson and Stuart McPherson - BBC Sounds
Des Clarke hosts Scotland's award-winning satirical news quiz.
www.bbc.co.uk
June 20, 2025 at 3:38 PM
You there! Take your hands out of your pockets, sit up straight, and listen to the first episode of the new series of #BreakingtheNews! Includes a few bits of nonsense from me.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
What if the very act of trying the door to make sure it was locked somehow unlocked the door…?
June 9, 2025 at 5:12 PM
What if the very act of trying the door to make sure it was locked somehow unlocked the door…?
Have become slightly addicted to Slow Jam off of that new Pulp album.
June 7, 2025 at 10:32 AM
Have become slightly addicted to Slow Jam off of that new Pulp album.
Everyone remembers the Catchphrase episode where it looks like Mr Chips is masturbating.
What people forget is that Mr Chips WAS actually masturbating and the answer was: ‘Wanking yourself silly’.
Different times…
What people forget is that Mr Chips WAS actually masturbating and the answer was: ‘Wanking yourself silly’.
Different times…
May 23, 2025 at 7:28 AM
Everyone remembers the Catchphrase episode where it looks like Mr Chips is masturbating.
What people forget is that Mr Chips WAS actually masturbating and the answer was: ‘Wanking yourself silly’.
Different times…
What people forget is that Mr Chips WAS actually masturbating and the answer was: ‘Wanking yourself silly’.
Different times…
Deleted scene from The Matrix where the machines have to wiggle the humans to keep the remote working.
May 10, 2025 at 5:51 PM
Deleted scene from The Matrix where the machines have to wiggle the humans to keep the remote working.
My dad to The Wurzels: It will have lost half its value the moment it left the forecourt.
May 9, 2025 at 9:26 AM
My dad to The Wurzels: It will have lost half its value the moment it left the forecourt.
My top 3 papal conclaves of my lifetime:
- Italia 2013
- Italia 2005
- Italia 2025
- Italia 2013
- Italia 2005
- Italia 2025
May 8, 2025 at 9:47 PM
My top 3 papal conclaves of my lifetime:
- Italia 2013
- Italia 2005
- Italia 2025
- Italia 2013
- Italia 2005
- Italia 2025
Devotion’s 11
the next movie in the Conclave universe should be a heist
May 6, 2025 at 12:56 PM
Devotion’s 11
I did this a couple of weeks ago with phenomenal results. Got promoted, got laid, a stranger spontaneously gave me £1,000 cash. But do avoid using ‘I keep thinking it’s Monday’ - absolute downer, complete opposite effect.
Absolutely superb conditions today for saying ‘it doesn’t feel like a Tuesday.’ Say it early, say it often and just have fun with it. It’s a small talk goldmine and you’d be a fool not to get involved.
May 6, 2025 at 9:40 AM
I did this a couple of weeks ago with phenomenal results. Got promoted, got laid, a stranger spontaneously gave me £1,000 cash. But do avoid using ‘I keep thinking it’s Monday’ - absolute downer, complete opposite effect.
I think if anything, we need more Taskmaster. Doctors should be prescribing Taskmaster.
www.independent.co.uk/arts-enterta...
www.independent.co.uk/arts-enterta...
Taskmaster needs to end before we all grow sick of it
The quirky comedy game show has been one of British TV’s great modern success stories. But Louis Chilton reckons the only way to go is down
www.independent.co.uk
May 3, 2025 at 12:58 PM
I think if anything, we need more Taskmaster. Doctors should be prescribing Taskmaster.
www.independent.co.uk/arts-enterta...
www.independent.co.uk/arts-enterta...
Made the mistake of going in to my daughter’s ballet lesson because she was upset. Her enraged teacher manhandled some butterfly wings over my shoulders and forced me to join in. Totally backfired - was headhunted by the Royal Academy and my scholarship begins in the autumn. In your face, Mrs Miles!
May 3, 2025 at 9:29 AM
Made the mistake of going in to my daughter’s ballet lesson because she was upset. Her enraged teacher manhandled some butterfly wings over my shoulders and forced me to join in. Totally backfired - was headhunted by the Royal Academy and my scholarship begins in the autumn. In your face, Mrs Miles!
Europe writing The Final Countdown: Ok, we need a big commercial hit, something that will get loads of radio play. Now, what rhymes with Venus?
April 26, 2025 at 11:45 AM
Europe writing The Final Countdown: Ok, we need a big commercial hit, something that will get loads of radio play. Now, what rhymes with Venus?
I wrote for this week’s News Quiz. I’d update my CV but it’s gone to the pub to celebrate. You can listen here:
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
The News Quiz - Series 117 - 2. Elections (Local and Papal) - BBC Sounds
Pierre Novellie and Andrew Maxwell join Andy Zaltzman for the topical panel quiz show.
www.bbc.co.uk
April 25, 2025 at 7:18 PM
I wrote for this week’s News Quiz. I’d update my CV but it’s gone to the pub to celebrate. You can listen here:
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
- Parallels with Dr Who/Bond casting
- Parallels with Liz Truss meeting Queen
- Parallels with Jesus rising again after three days
- Next pope to be AI
Right, let’s get on with Monday.
- Parallels with Liz Truss meeting Queen
- Parallels with Jesus rising again after three days
- Next pope to be AI
Right, let’s get on with Monday.
April 21, 2025 at 9:28 AM
- Parallels with Dr Who/Bond casting
- Parallels with Liz Truss meeting Queen
- Parallels with Jesus rising again after three days
- Next pope to be AI
Right, let’s get on with Monday.
- Parallels with Liz Truss meeting Queen
- Parallels with Jesus rising again after three days
- Next pope to be AI
Right, let’s get on with Monday.
Back writing for #BreakingTheNews this week. And lovely to hear @robinjmorgan.bsky.social bringing a touch of Welsh class to proceedings.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Breaking the News - Felicity Ward, Raymond Mearns, Kathleen Hughes and Robin Morgan - BBC Sounds
Des Clarke hosts Scotland's award-winning satirical news quiz.
www.bbc.co.uk
April 18, 2025 at 2:11 PM
Back writing for #BreakingTheNews this week. And lovely to hear @robinjmorgan.bsky.social bringing a touch of Welsh class to proceedings.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Man with a fifth degree black belt in karate still quietly wondering when he’ll learn how to do fireballs and dragon punches. It’s too awkward to ask now, he’s in too deep.
April 13, 2025 at 8:21 AM
Man with a fifth degree black belt in karate still quietly wondering when he’ll learn how to do fireballs and dragon punches. It’s too awkward to ask now, he’s in too deep.