CaptainAntibody
@captainantibody.bsky.social
Used to be: athlete, biologist, cosmetic chemist, lube chemist, factory manager and polymer scientist. Now I pretend to be a med device engineer and listen to myself get fatter
Sometimes I say psychopathic things to my in laws and after a pause remind them that this is me after lots of therapy.
January 9, 2026 at 3:23 AM
Sometimes I say psychopathic things to my in laws and after a pause remind them that this is me after lots of therapy.
Me to my wife after she asked me to do a project: That'll be no problem at all. The hardest part will be actually doing it and everything associated. Other than that, no problem at all.
January 8, 2026 at 4:28 PM
Me to my wife after she asked me to do a project: That'll be no problem at all. The hardest part will be actually doing it and everything associated. Other than that, no problem at all.
Work once asked me if we could used colored gas to test for a leak. I said absolutely and let me send you some options. I sent them a list of colored glasses and all their toxicities. The healthiest I rated, "We will all die a horrible death."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
January 8, 2026 at 4:26 PM
Work once asked me if we could used colored gas to test for a leak. I said absolutely and let me send you some options. I sent them a list of colored glasses and all their toxicities. The healthiest I rated, "We will all die a horrible death."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
People got REALLY mad at me on Dec 31, 2001 when in the middle of fireworks being shot off everywhere I said, "If I were a terrorist this would be the night I'd attack."
January 1, 2026 at 2:25 AM
People got REALLY mad at me on Dec 31, 2001 when in the middle of fireworks being shot off everywhere I said, "If I were a terrorist this would be the night I'd attack."
The holidays are the time of year we all take a deep breath after a family member casually says a racial slur.
December 26, 2025 at 4:05 AM
The holidays are the time of year we all take a deep breath after a family member casually says a racial slur.
Everyone at the Christmas table was mad at each other until I farted so badly that they all had to get up and leave. Now they're all mad at me and I feel like the great unifier.
December 25, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Everyone at the Christmas table was mad at each other until I farted so badly that they all had to get up and leave. Now they're all mad at me and I feel like the great unifier.
One time a girlfriend was mad at me and afterwards told me, "That wasn't for you." To this day I'm still holding to, "It may not have been for me but I sure benefitted."
December 24, 2025 at 4:46 AM
One time a girlfriend was mad at me and afterwards told me, "That wasn't for you." To this day I'm still holding to, "It may not have been for me but I sure benefitted."
I went into the grocery store and crossed paths with a family. I couldn't figure out why they looked so familiar... Until I realized I made out with the mom in a bar in 2008... This is why you move out of the city you went to college in after you graduate.
December 23, 2025 at 2:21 PM
I went into the grocery store and crossed paths with a family. I couldn't figure out why they looked so familiar... Until I realized I made out with the mom in a bar in 2008... This is why you move out of the city you went to college in after you graduate.
Once a gal on an app told me what her favorite book and even though I hated it I kept reading because, "She has crazy eyes and I have a type." I used to be a weak man. I still am but that's not the point right now.
December 18, 2025 at 2:01 AM
Once a gal on an app told me what her favorite book and even though I hated it I kept reading because, "She has crazy eyes and I have a type." I used to be a weak man. I still am but that's not the point right now.
Back That Ass Up has an intentionally long and calculated intro. Juvenile did EXTENSIVE research into how long it took someone to bring their inner hoe out.
December 18, 2025 at 12:47 AM
Back That Ass Up has an intentionally long and calculated intro. Juvenile did EXTENSIVE research into how long it took someone to bring their inner hoe out.
Young me: Why are they bothering with a plot? I'm not here for that.
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
December 17, 2025 at 5:23 PM
Young me: Why are they bothering with a plot? I'm not here for that.
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
I haven't biked in years but I have a crockpot filled with juiced up wax for bike chains so I did what any normal person would do. I dipped the pins of my doors in the wax then put them back in. Everything is so quiet now.
December 14, 2025 at 1:31 AM
I haven't biked in years but I have a crockpot filled with juiced up wax for bike chains so I did what any normal person would do. I dipped the pins of my doors in the wax then put them back in. Everything is so quiet now.
I've never meaningfully had a flask because if I was going to carry liquor I needed a camel back to satisfy my drinking needs. A flask seemed so trivial.
December 13, 2025 at 5:01 AM
I've never meaningfully had a flask because if I was going to carry liquor I needed a camel back to satisfy my drinking needs. A flask seemed so trivial.
My Spotify wrap up told me I cry a lot.
December 3, 2025 at 7:30 PM
My Spotify wrap up told me I cry a lot.
I've gotten home gym advertisements for a while now but after I hit 40 I get NOTHING ELSE. Why does the algorithm not think I have erectile dysfunction anymore?
December 3, 2025 at 7:29 PM
I've gotten home gym advertisements for a while now but after I hit 40 I get NOTHING ELSE. Why does the algorithm not think I have erectile dysfunction anymore?
My therapist described a maladaptive behavior type today and I responded, "I feel like you're attacking me."
December 2, 2025 at 11:10 PM
My therapist described a maladaptive behavior type today and I responded, "I feel like you're attacking me."
People around me will ask why I am like this and lately I've taken to reminding them that when I was 17 I had three concussions in a short period of time.
December 2, 2025 at 4:45 AM
People around me will ask why I am like this and lately I've taken to reminding them that when I was 17 I had three concussions in a short period of time.
Check out this dino concept where the quarterback is supposed to be looking at the safety so the linebacker is influenced.
Me (Eating a sandwich): Fucking idiot.
Me (Eating a sandwich): Fucking idiot.
November 22, 2025 at 9:38 PM
Check out this dino concept where the quarterback is supposed to be looking at the safety so the linebacker is influenced.
Me (Eating a sandwich): Fucking idiot.
Me (Eating a sandwich): Fucking idiot.
Explaining to my wife that certain sport don't make you a psycho rather I'm just a psycho that did those sports. It's an uphill battle.
November 19, 2025 at 4:43 PM
Explaining to my wife that certain sport don't make you a psycho rather I'm just a psycho that did those sports. It's an uphill battle.
My wife told me after therapy this week that 2/3rds of her appointment revolved around how fed up she was with my stinky farts. I now live in fear of farting near this woman.
November 17, 2025 at 4:14 AM
My wife told me after therapy this week that 2/3rds of her appointment revolved around how fed up she was with my stinky farts. I now live in fear of farting near this woman.
Took the kids on a walk and passed the Hospice by us. There's a no weapons allowed on the premise allowed. Why? They're going to die anyway. Let them gun fight
November 16, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Took the kids on a walk and passed the Hospice by us. There's a no weapons allowed on the premise allowed. Why? They're going to die anyway. Let them gun fight
I love it when people preach chasing your dreams and then I get to follow with dreams are nice but I like sleeping on nice sheets.
November 12, 2025 at 5:06 AM
I love it when people preach chasing your dreams and then I get to follow with dreams are nice but I like sleeping on nice sheets.
When I tell people the worst things I've done it's always a service to them because it makes them feel WAY better about the choices they made.
October 31, 2025 at 8:06 PM
When I tell people the worst things I've done it's always a service to them because it makes them feel WAY better about the choices they made.
Upon further review, going through puberty at 18 because before that my body fat was too low to make testosterone was also a weird experience.
October 29, 2025 at 4:44 PM
Upon further review, going through puberty at 18 because before that my body fat was too low to make testosterone was also a weird experience.
In retrospect, graduation a year younger than everyone else was a weird experience. All my friends were adults leaving home and I was a child who had to have his parents sign his college forms.
October 29, 2025 at 4:38 PM
In retrospect, graduation a year younger than everyone else was a weird experience. All my friends were adults leaving home and I was a child who had to have his parents sign his college forms.