CaptainAntibody
@captainantibody.bsky.social
Used to be: athlete, biologist, cosmetic chemist, lube chemist, factory manager and polymer scientist. Now I pretend to be a med device engineer and listen to myself get fatter
I want you to know that you follow someone who just took two slices of pizza and put an egregious amount of ham between them to make a sandwich. This is a cry for help.
February 7, 2026 at 4:55 PM
I want you to know that you follow someone who just took two slices of pizza and put an egregious amount of ham between them to make a sandwich. This is a cry for help.
Everyone in the house except for me is puking and pooping themselves. For the first time I truly understand the plot of The Thing.
February 7, 2026 at 4:46 AM
Everyone in the house except for me is puking and pooping themselves. For the first time I truly understand the plot of The Thing.
It took me years of therapy to realize that I wasn't the what will he do next friend. I was the will we get arrested friend.
February 7, 2026 at 4:42 AM
It took me years of therapy to realize that I wasn't the what will he do next friend. I was the will we get arrested friend.
Sometimes I think about how I dated someone and their family LOVED me. So much that they asked me to be in their Christmas photo that year. I tried to decline but they insisted. We broke up six months later. Badly. They had a wall of family photos through the years. I wonder if that pic is still up.
February 6, 2026 at 3:46 AM
Sometimes I think about how I dated someone and their family LOVED me. So much that they asked me to be in their Christmas photo that year. I tried to decline but they insisted. We broke up six months later. Badly. They had a wall of family photos through the years. I wonder if that pic is still up.
During stretching a football coach used to yell "HAPPY HUMP DAY, GENTLEMEN" every Wednesday which always resulted in some light air humping but one day it resulted in a guy humping another, then another joined... And another... Pretty soon it was a giant mock fuck pile. Coach never said that again.
February 6, 2026 at 2:52 AM
During stretching a football coach used to yell "HAPPY HUMP DAY, GENTLEMEN" every Wednesday which always resulted in some light air humping but one day it resulted in a guy humping another, then another joined... And another... Pretty soon it was a giant mock fuck pile. Coach never said that again.
Sometimes I forget to take my meds and when I realize I think maybe I'm better and don't need them.
Then I take the meds the next day and go OH MY GOD I DO HAVE ASTHMA!
Then I take the meds the next day and go OH MY GOD I DO HAVE ASTHMA!
January 24, 2026 at 3:42 PM
Sometimes I forget to take my meds and when I realize I think maybe I'm better and don't need them.
Then I take the meds the next day and go OH MY GOD I DO HAVE ASTHMA!
Then I take the meds the next day and go OH MY GOD I DO HAVE ASTHMA!
Logs on
Sees collective screaming.
Logs off and goes back to hole. Hole is safe.
Sees collective screaming.
Logs off and goes back to hole. Hole is safe.
January 23, 2026 at 4:30 AM
Logs on
Sees collective screaming.
Logs off and goes back to hole. Hole is safe.
Sees collective screaming.
Logs off and goes back to hole. Hole is safe.
I'm rereading a Star wars novel I really enjoyed in middle school and so can't help but realizing how fucking lame I was on middle school.
January 23, 2026 at 4:27 AM
I'm rereading a Star wars novel I really enjoyed in middle school and so can't help but realizing how fucking lame I was on middle school.
I was reflecting on a time with an ex when I gasped and realized that I'm the bad guy in all my ex's stories.
Then I realized I'm the bad guy in a lot of stories.
It's just now occuring to me that I may be a bad person...
Then I realized I'm the bad guy in a lot of stories.
It's just now occuring to me that I may be a bad person...
January 20, 2026 at 9:16 PM
I was reflecting on a time with an ex when I gasped and realized that I'm the bad guy in all my ex's stories.
Then I realized I'm the bad guy in a lot of stories.
It's just now occuring to me that I may be a bad person...
Then I realized I'm the bad guy in a lot of stories.
It's just now occuring to me that I may be a bad person...
My wife will see me naked and ask, "Why is it so weird looking?" I've come to accept after all these years that she's asking about penises in general and not mine specifically.
January 14, 2026 at 4:43 AM
My wife will see me naked and ask, "Why is it so weird looking?" I've come to accept after all these years that she's asking about penises in general and not mine specifically.
How did my friend become my girlfriend and then my wife? Well she was hung over one day and I brought her food. Then I brought her food again after. Then she just kept coming back. What I'm saying is if you feed an outdoor cat eventually you have a cat.
January 13, 2026 at 3:25 PM
How did my friend become my girlfriend and then my wife? Well she was hung over one day and I brought her food. Then I brought her food again after. Then she just kept coming back. What I'm saying is if you feed an outdoor cat eventually you have a cat.
People always ask me how much we purchased our house for and my response is always, "Uhhh... Money?"
January 9, 2026 at 2:59 PM
People always ask me how much we purchased our house for and my response is always, "Uhhh... Money?"
Sometimes I say psychopathic things to my in laws and after a pause remind them that this is me after lots of therapy.
January 9, 2026 at 3:23 AM
Sometimes I say psychopathic things to my in laws and after a pause remind them that this is me after lots of therapy.
Me to my wife after she asked me to do a project: That'll be no problem at all. The hardest part will be actually doing it and everything associated. Other than that, no problem at all.
January 8, 2026 at 4:28 PM
Me to my wife after she asked me to do a project: That'll be no problem at all. The hardest part will be actually doing it and everything associated. Other than that, no problem at all.
Work once asked me if we could used colored gas to test for a leak. I said absolutely and let me send you some options. I sent them a list of colored glasses and all their toxicities. The healthiest I rated, "We will all die a horrible death."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
January 8, 2026 at 4:26 PM
Work once asked me if we could used colored gas to test for a leak. I said absolutely and let me send you some options. I sent them a list of colored glasses and all their toxicities. The healthiest I rated, "We will all die a horrible death."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
The CEO responded, "You could have just said no."
People got REALLY mad at me on Dec 31, 2001 when in the middle of fireworks being shot off everywhere I said, "If I were a terrorist this would be the night I'd attack."
January 1, 2026 at 2:25 AM
People got REALLY mad at me on Dec 31, 2001 when in the middle of fireworks being shot off everywhere I said, "If I were a terrorist this would be the night I'd attack."
The holidays are the time of year we all take a deep breath after a family member casually says a racial slur.
December 26, 2025 at 4:05 AM
The holidays are the time of year we all take a deep breath after a family member casually says a racial slur.
Everyone at the Christmas table was mad at each other until I farted so badly that they all had to get up and leave. Now they're all mad at me and I feel like the great unifier.
December 25, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Everyone at the Christmas table was mad at each other until I farted so badly that they all had to get up and leave. Now they're all mad at me and I feel like the great unifier.
One time a girlfriend was mad at me and afterwards told me, "That wasn't for you." To this day I'm still holding to, "It may not have been for me but I sure benefitted."
December 24, 2025 at 4:46 AM
One time a girlfriend was mad at me and afterwards told me, "That wasn't for you." To this day I'm still holding to, "It may not have been for me but I sure benefitted."
I went into the grocery store and crossed paths with a family. I couldn't figure out why they looked so familiar... Until I realized I made out with the mom in a bar in 2008... This is why you move out of the city you went to college in after you graduate.
December 23, 2025 at 2:21 PM
I went into the grocery store and crossed paths with a family. I couldn't figure out why they looked so familiar... Until I realized I made out with the mom in a bar in 2008... This is why you move out of the city you went to college in after you graduate.
Once a gal on an app told me what her favorite book and even though I hated it I kept reading because, "She has crazy eyes and I have a type." I used to be a weak man. I still am but that's not the point right now.
December 18, 2025 at 2:01 AM
Once a gal on an app told me what her favorite book and even though I hated it I kept reading because, "She has crazy eyes and I have a type." I used to be a weak man. I still am but that's not the point right now.
Back That Ass Up has an intentionally long and calculated intro. Juvenile did EXTENSIVE research into how long it took someone to bring their inner hoe out.
December 18, 2025 at 12:47 AM
Back That Ass Up has an intentionally long and calculated intro. Juvenile did EXTENSIVE research into how long it took someone to bring their inner hoe out.
Young me: Why are they bothering with a plot? I'm not here for that.
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
December 17, 2025 at 5:23 PM
Young me: Why are they bothering with a plot? I'm not here for that.
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
Older me: Why are these people naked in a garage?
I haven't biked in years but I have a crockpot filled with juiced up wax for bike chains so I did what any normal person would do. I dipped the pins of my doors in the wax then put them back in. Everything is so quiet now.
December 14, 2025 at 1:31 AM
I haven't biked in years but I have a crockpot filled with juiced up wax for bike chains so I did what any normal person would do. I dipped the pins of my doors in the wax then put them back in. Everything is so quiet now.
I've never meaningfully had a flask because if I was going to carry liquor I needed a camel back to satisfy my drinking needs. A flask seemed so trivial.
December 13, 2025 at 5:01 AM
I've never meaningfully had a flask because if I was going to carry liquor I needed a camel back to satisfy my drinking needs. A flask seemed so trivial.