The focus shouldn't be on the response, but giving someone the floor to voice all their thoughts with feeling and compassion.

Emotionally connecting through pauses and understanding.

I know I'll never be perfect, no one is. But I have a lot of room to grow. One step at a time.

When active listening I need to pause. Really listen to them look into their eyes or wait for a real pause between words. Then... Really digest what they said. Think of exactly what to say, not just blurt something on emotions alone. I need to be mindful, attentive, treat with upmost respect.

My active listening skills are horrid. In regards to the above. I need to work on that tomorrow among everything else. I have the tendency to have an idea in my head before someone is even done and blurt it out which is incredibly rude. I never mean harm but that doesn't matter.

I was too busy trying to do the right thing than just listening. Looking for the right answer. Looking for the thing that makes everything right. I hurt her immensely.

Acting like I'm okay when I'm really not is not only hurting me but hurting everyone I love. ****, which I love dearly. I betrayed her due to my inability to calm down and listen. I kept telling her "I'm listening" and even if I believed the words that came out of my mouth it wasn't.

I really need to take a deep breath and just know the people in front of me care. Just breath and tell people I'm in disarray, I need a lifeline and stop just impulse reacting on problematic thoughts. On that note I need to stop being cliche and not voicing my emotions.

All that was in my head was what we lost for months, not what I already had. Like I was scrambling to pick up the pieces and give the right answer. I have a bad habit of just panicking under pressure with loved ones. I hate being a failure to them it terrifies me. All of this has just hurt others.

I'm going to write down a journal then input it on this site so I have its available to look back on digitally. My emotional journal and the journal for my thoughts to organize and practice to become who I thought I was all the time.

And the worst thing is I know she will never love me again due to my piss poor actions. Good God what an idiot I am. Lost my best friend and someone I grew to love in one swoop being something I'm not. /Rant over. Time to heal and at least show the world I'm better than that.

To say it in the mildest words ever. My actions are fucking unacceptable and I'm sick of it.

Then when I've fucked up things beyond all recognition somehow snap out of it to see the absolute shit show I've created for the last 8 months. And I expected to somehow get out of it with words.

Yea, I'm a piece of work.

Spending the next month or two and figuring out why I was a moron.