WIFE: We should have never hired Claudette.
GUY WHO WRITES THE DICTIONARY: That could be about anybody!

Trying to review the Christmas story w the kids. 8yo said, “God sent Zeus down to earth and he married a mortal woman and they had a baby in a barn and named him Zeus.” Okay. Fair. We started by correcting the name and 6yo said, “THEY NAMED HIM CHEEZ-ITS?!” Off to a good start.

Every time I click over to the Strib website, I make sure I click right in the middle of that green star like the Grinch is bent over and I’m poking him right in his butthole.

THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
/eyes turn black, voice takes on the timbre of the god Pan confronting Typhon
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.

THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
/gesticulates wildly to everyone else in sec. 124
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.
THE ‘STROS. ARE. FROZE.

While most people think apple orchards and bonfires when talking about fall traditions, one mustn’t forget cooking the season’s first pot of chili, getting too excited, eating five bowls, then pooping for 24 consecutive hours.

Even Wikipedia is like “fuck it, it’s Friday, let’s go get a beer.”

They are cutting down a tree across the street so I am having to play this VERY LOUD but I think that I am winning.
Tim (Ed Stasium Mix)
spotify.link/nn5a7S5WiDb

TIRED: Defund the police
WIRED: Replace the police with a pop star vigilante

What if instead of “The Star-Spangled Banner” the national anthem was “Joey” by Concrete Blonde? I raised this question at the most recent school board meeting and, frankly, the degree to which they opposed me made me know that I’m on to something.

My daughter got a little toy alligator that expands in water as a party favor. It has inconceivably grown to be nearly three feet long and now lives in my basement bathtub. Its name is “Long Carl” and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.