Your Dad, waiting for you all to get in the damn car.

#FathersDay

He’s thanked us 33 times!

I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said: “Homer’s a fat dude and Marge has blue hair.”

People with empathy are naturally moral. Those without empathy need an instruction manual and weekly lessons to know right from wrong. Catch 22 is Evangelicals and the right don't have the empathy to understand the messages of the NT and Jesus .

Morality & religion are 2 separate concepts and there's nothing moral about religion. Look at the hundreds of millions, if not billions, of people who have been killed because of religion. 'Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.' Blaise Pascal

“You, boy, is big Tesco open on Boxing Day?”

I wonder if Chris Rea has set off yet.

Beyoncé dancing to the original Grange Hill theme tune.

The Beach Boys walk into a Bar Bar Bar Bar Barbara Ann.

They get a round.

If you’re a certain age then you’ll remember this purely as being a hair washing device of torture which would either freeze your head or scald it when the pressure built up too much and one of the rubber things popped off the tap.

Me: Can remember my very first landline phone number, the name of every form teacher I had from infant to secondary school, and all the words to most 90s hit songs.

Also me: What the hell did I just walk into this room for?

And it seems to me you lived your life like a

Me watching a film.

1. Start watching.

2. Wonder what I’ve seen one of the actors in before.

3. Google actor.

4. Go to IMDb/their Wikipedia page.

5. Find out every single detail of their entire life.

6. Realise I’ve completely missed the plot of the film and now have no idea what’s going on.

A thread of silly videos I've made (most of which are over a minute long, so have to be posted via YouTube links)

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9v6...

Tried Gary Barlow’s wine range last night and got really drunk. Can’t remember much of the evening but just want to say that whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

Longest 10 minutes: Waiting for food to cook in a microwave.

Shortest 10 minutes: Between hitting the snooze button and the alarm going off again.

Ben Folds and Jeremy Irons should get together and start a dry cleaning business.

They could call it Ben and Jerry's.