Deconstructing Man
@beyondmatt528.bsky.social
Evangelical-ish. Affirming. Promoting healthy male sexuality beyond guilt and stereotypes, both conservative and progressive. More contradictions to come.
I am glad it was cathartic for you. My upbringing wasn’t as extreme as yours but I’ve always avoided the movie as too close to home. Thanks for the essay.
April 18, 2025 at 12:38 PM
I am glad it was cathartic for you. My upbringing wasn’t as extreme as yours but I’ve always avoided the movie as too close to home. Thanks for the essay.
My trigger reaction is more the opposite way after decades of guilt cycles stemming from being taught even the desire to look is bad.
April 6, 2025 at 8:32 PM
My trigger reaction is more the opposite way after decades of guilt cycles stemming from being taught even the desire to look is bad.
I appreciate that and thanks for a thoughtful response. I think in the end we agree that it’s complex. Saying “porn addiction doesn’t exist” isn’t the same as saying “porn is all good; no problems just hang-ups.”
April 6, 2025 at 8:32 PM
I appreciate that and thanks for a thoughtful response. I think in the end we agree that it’s complex. Saying “porn addiction doesn’t exist” isn’t the same as saying “porn is all good; no problems just hang-ups.”
I come from the evangelical side which is always adapting its message, so it’s pretty advanced. So it uses the sex-trafficking industry as justification why you shouldn’t be ogling the SI swimsuit calendar (if that still exists.)
April 6, 2025 at 1:47 PM
I come from the evangelical side which is always adapting its message, so it’s pretty advanced. So it uses the sex-trafficking industry as justification why you shouldn’t be ogling the SI swimsuit calendar (if that still exists.)
The sharper anti-porn critics are at least beginning to incorporate the exploitative nature of the industry in their guilt trips. But they inevitably slip back into the sweeping condemnations of why you’d want to look at naked people at all.
April 6, 2025 at 1:11 PM
The sharper anti-porn critics are at least beginning to incorporate the exploitative nature of the industry in their guilt trips. But they inevitably slip back into the sweeping condemnations of why you’d want to look at naked people at all.
I also find it interesting that you focus blame on “the woman making millions” rather than the men who run the industry and the waves of women they exploit.
April 6, 2025 at 1:00 PM
I also find it interesting that you focus blame on “the woman making millions” rather than the men who run the industry and the waves of women they exploit.
I don’t think the article is arguing porn is all fine and good. Or that the porn industry isn’t a bad place. It is arguing that “porn addiction” isn’t as black and white as some say.
April 6, 2025 at 1:00 PM
I don’t think the article is arguing porn is all fine and good. Or that the porn industry isn’t a bad place. It is arguing that “porn addiction” isn’t as black and white as some say.
The porn addiction industry makes no distinction between thoughts and behavior. The natural desire to see sexy things, whether or not acted on, is ultimately treated as the same as compulsively using porn to the detriment of healthy relationships and other things.
April 6, 2025 at 12:50 PM
The porn addiction industry makes no distinction between thoughts and behavior. The natural desire to see sexy things, whether or not acted on, is ultimately treated as the same as compulsively using porn to the detriment of healthy relationships and other things.
Perhaps you can finally one up with the rules for mailbox baseball. y.yarn.co/2ffcb9e4-0f7...
March 8, 2025 at 9:20 PM
Perhaps you can finally one up with the rules for mailbox baseball. y.yarn.co/2ffcb9e4-0f7...
I’m middle aged and I’ve seen a huge decline in just outright gratuitous female nudity/semi-nudity in movies and TV compared to the 80s. But there’s possibly an increase in “beautiful but not sexy” women that imposes its own pressures.
March 8, 2025 at 9:09 PM
I’m middle aged and I’ve seen a huge decline in just outright gratuitous female nudity/semi-nudity in movies and TV compared to the 80s. But there’s possibly an increase in “beautiful but not sexy” women that imposes its own pressures.
I feel bad about that now but I honestly didn’t understand there were other options. Since any sexual thought was of course “lustful” (Mt 5:28). Once that line was crossed there were no further specific mental boundaries. The verse frames everything through the male gaze; there is no female agency.
March 8, 2025 at 12:56 PM
I feel bad about that now but I honestly didn’t understand there were other options. Since any sexual thought was of course “lustful” (Mt 5:28). Once that line was crossed there were no further specific mental boundaries. The verse frames everything through the male gaze; there is no female agency.
But the bodies themselves had no agency; it was all about me and my guilt cycles. Purity did teach me a sort of respect for women but only in a collective sense that walled them off as individual and autonomous sexual people.
March 8, 2025 at 12:56 PM
But the bodies themselves had no agency; it was all about me and my guilt cycles. Purity did teach me a sort of respect for women but only in a collective sense that walled them off as individual and autonomous sexual people.
“Agency” is exactly what was missing. As a young man I cycled back and forth between the only two options I knew: judging/avoiding anything sexual, or objectifying and overdosing on my natural interest in sex and bodies.
March 8, 2025 at 12:56 PM
“Agency” is exactly what was missing. As a young man I cycled back and forth between the only two options I knew: judging/avoiding anything sexual, or objectifying and overdosing on my natural interest in sex and bodies.
I’m surprised anyone can flip the switch. My wife had a slightly different experience in that the “rules” allowed her to look forward to sex while putting off or not recognizing a lot of underlying issues and concerns. Which then came crashing down on us.
March 3, 2025 at 12:12 AM
I’m surprised anyone can flip the switch. My wife had a slightly different experience in that the “rules” allowed her to look forward to sex while putting off or not recognizing a lot of underlying issues and concerns. Which then came crashing down on us.
Exactly….its all “sinful” and “lust” no matter what. And that makes it hard for even well-meaning men to identify and develop healthy boundaries.
March 3, 2025 at 12:02 AM
Exactly….its all “sinful” and “lust” no matter what. And that makes it hard for even well-meaning men to identify and develop healthy boundaries.
It’s a constant sense of guilt about sexuality, and being taught the only two ways to manage it are through repression or an ever-available wife. No inbetween options.
March 2, 2025 at 11:40 PM
It’s a constant sense of guilt about sexuality, and being taught the only two ways to manage it are through repression or an ever-available wife. No inbetween options.
Over time I calmed down and found a sort of liminal space where I currently exist, along with our still mediocre sex life. But I often wonder if I’d still be a full-fledged believer if we had just had a better sex life from the start. /end
March 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Over time I calmed down and found a sort of liminal space where I currently exist, along with our still mediocre sex life. But I often wonder if I’d still be a full-fledged believer if we had just had a better sex life from the start. /end
That made me feel better. But it also led me to question everything else I had been taught as an evangelical. I became more and more skeptical, challenging assumptions and always looking for the fine print. I was not popular at house groups and Bible studies.
March 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
That made me feel better. But it also led me to question everything else I had been taught as an evangelical. I became more and more skeptical, challenging assumptions and always looking for the fine print. I was not popular at house groups and Bible studies.
My deconstruction journey began out of desperation to get beyond those binary options. I read more widely on Christian sexuality and realized that God didn’t guarantee us a perfect sex life. Even if many of his operatives had led me to believe otherwise. I hadn’t read the fine print.
March 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
My deconstruction journey began out of desperation to get beyond those binary options. I read more widely on Christian sexuality and realized that God didn’t guarantee us a perfect sex life. Even if many of his operatives had led me to believe otherwise. I hadn’t read the fine print.
I became alienated from men’s ministries, angered at their narrow messages that had led me into this dilemma. And gradually all my spiritual enthusiasm drained out, trapped in guilt and only seeing two options for my sexuality: either I wasn’t working hard enough or wasn’t self-disciplined enough.
March 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
I became alienated from men’s ministries, angered at their narrow messages that had led me into this dilemma. And gradually all my spiritual enthusiasm drained out, trapped in guilt and only seeing two options for my sexuality: either I wasn’t working hard enough or wasn’t self-disciplined enough.
I tried to be a patient and supportive husband. But I was paying for it through my mental and spiritual health. I felt abandoned and ripped off, and went through cycles of guilt over masturbating and “lustful thoughts” that I felt unable to share with her without making things worse. (I did try.)
March 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
I tried to be a patient and supportive husband. But I was paying for it through my mental and spiritual health. I felt abandoned and ripped off, and went through cycles of guilt over masturbating and “lustful thoughts” that I felt unable to share with her without making things worse. (I did try.)
And I was unprepared to deal with this, except as something that could be “fixed” through more work and effort. And I was bitter that she didn’t seem to be putting in that effort. I begged her about what I could do to help but she struggled to identify anything.
March 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
And I was unprepared to deal with this, except as something that could be “fixed” through more work and effort. And I was bitter that she didn’t seem to be putting in that effort. I begged her about what I could do to help but she struggled to identify anything.