Shannon
@authorshannonc.bsky.social
Author: The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad. Words in CNN, the Atlantic, and Weekly Humorist because I love them. I was once on Good Morning America, and my time was cut short because Matt Damien ran long. That's why we have beef.
For those who got raptured yesterday, a little friendly advice.
What to Expect When You Reach Heaven After Rapture 2025
open.substack.com/pub/theultim...
What to Expect When You Reach Heaven After Rapture 2025
open.substack.com/pub/theultim...
What to Expect When You Reach Heaven After Rapture 2025
Today is the rapture. Are you ready for your new heavenly community?
open.substack.com
September 24, 2025 at 5:09 PM
For those who got raptured yesterday, a little friendly advice.
What to Expect When You Reach Heaven After Rapture 2025
open.substack.com/pub/theultim...
What to Expect When You Reach Heaven After Rapture 2025
open.substack.com/pub/theultim...
As a man named Shannon, I get these from time to time:
"We’re thrilled to share that you have been officially selected to be featured in Most Influential Women."
Buzzfeed also once named me one of the funniest women of the week. Seriously.
"We’re thrilled to share that you have been officially selected to be featured in Most Influential Women."
Buzzfeed also once named me one of the funniest women of the week. Seriously.
September 1, 2025 at 3:30 PM
As a man named Shannon, I get these from time to time:
"We’re thrilled to share that you have been officially selected to be featured in Most Influential Women."
Buzzfeed also once named me one of the funniest women of the week. Seriously.
"We’re thrilled to share that you have been officially selected to be featured in Most Influential Women."
Buzzfeed also once named me one of the funniest women of the week. Seriously.
Reposted by Shannon
Some personal news: the Department of Homeland Security has given me, an immigration lawyer born in Newton, Massachusetts, seven days to leave the U.S. Does anyone know if you can get Italian citizenship through great-grandparents?
April 11, 2025 at 11:11 PM
Some personal news: the Department of Homeland Security has given me, an immigration lawyer born in Newton, Massachusetts, seven days to leave the U.S. Does anyone know if you can get Italian citizenship through great-grandparents?
I was on the radio this morning talking about local food. I am not a foodie, so all of my recommendations were, "You've got to try this donut place out," or "Chocolate, man. Chocolate."
I stand behind my recommendations.
I stand behind my recommendations.
January 17, 2025 at 7:35 PM
I was on the radio this morning talking about local food. I am not a foodie, so all of my recommendations were, "You've got to try this donut place out," or "Chocolate, man. Chocolate."
I stand behind my recommendations.
I stand behind my recommendations.
My son has taken 3 years of German in high school and now he is translating parts of Die Hard for me and all my sacrifices have been with it
December 25, 2024 at 1:58 AM
My son has taken 3 years of German in high school and now he is translating parts of Die Hard for me and all my sacrifices have been with it
My wife is a notorious sleep talker.
Last night she said:
“I’ll kill you. I’ll get five cool points from Jesus.”
Last night she said:
“I’ll kill you. I’ll get five cool points from Jesus.”
December 21, 2024 at 6:14 PM
My wife is a notorious sleep talker.
Last night she said:
“I’ll kill you. I’ll get five cool points from Jesus.”
Last night she said:
“I’ll kill you. I’ll get five cool points from Jesus.”
I would pay good money if someone could teach my mother to text.
December 17, 2024 at 6:20 PM
I would pay good money if someone could teach my mother to text.
Why my wife hates shopping with me:
Her: Why did you pick this shirt?
Me: It was on sale.
Her: And?
Me: It was closest to the door.
Her: Why did you pick this shirt?
Me: It was on sale.
Her: And?
Me: It was closest to the door.
December 13, 2024 at 10:13 PM
Why my wife hates shopping with me:
Her: Why did you pick this shirt?
Me: It was on sale.
Her: And?
Me: It was closest to the door.
Her: Why did you pick this shirt?
Me: It was on sale.
Her: And?
Me: It was closest to the door.
"And I have to ask, did the kid who played Baby Jesus take professional tap-dancing lessons? Santa was in no way creeped out by this."
medium.com/frazzled/san...
medium.com/frazzled/san...
Santa’s Review of Your Child’s School Christmas Pageant
It’s hard to choose my favorite part
medium.com
December 11, 2024 at 7:06 PM
"And I have to ask, did the kid who played Baby Jesus take professional tap-dancing lessons? Santa was in no way creeped out by this."
medium.com/frazzled/san...
medium.com/frazzled/san...
Truth: I encouraged my son to take 3 years of German so my son could translate the band Rammstein for me.
December 10, 2024 at 11:29 PM
Truth: I encouraged my son to take 3 years of German so my son could translate the band Rammstein for me.
You are less nurturing than the desert," my son said to my daughter after she killed her cactus.
Ouch.
Ouch.
December 7, 2024 at 7:30 PM
You are less nurturing than the desert," my son said to my daughter after she killed her cactus.
Ouch.
Ouch.
I found the house where D&D was invented. And yup, this is the original cellar door for inventor Gary Gygax. You can play there and stay next door in, wait for it, the Air D&D.
December 6, 2024 at 9:55 PM
I found the house where D&D was invented. And yup, this is the original cellar door for inventor Gary Gygax. You can play there and stay next door in, wait for it, the Air D&D.
So I have been told, "No one is harassing anyone regarding their bodies but I guess it pays the bills?" Yeah, I'm going to disrespectfully disagree. This is exactly the problem, this head in the sand "it's not happening" when it clearly is.
theultimatestayathomedad.substack.com/p/how-father...
theultimatestayathomedad.substack.com/p/how-father...
How Fathers Should React to "Your Body, My Choice."
My first instinct is to challenge the words and pick a fight as I let my Southern Roots come out.
theultimatestayathomedad.substack.com
December 5, 2024 at 6:25 PM
So I have been told, "No one is harassing anyone regarding their bodies but I guess it pays the bills?" Yeah, I'm going to disrespectfully disagree. This is exactly the problem, this head in the sand "it's not happening" when it clearly is.
theultimatestayathomedad.substack.com/p/how-father...
theultimatestayathomedad.substack.com/p/how-father...
That moment when you turn in your manuscript to your agent and you just sit around because you have nothing to do. Like, should I solve world hunger now or something?
December 4, 2024 at 3:58 AM
That moment when you turn in your manuscript to your agent and you just sit around because you have nothing to do. Like, should I solve world hunger now or something?
Wrote this 4 years ago and yet, even more useful today. Just change the twitter joke to Bluesky.
weeklyhumorist.com/1930s-life-s...
weeklyhumorist.com/1930s-life-s...
1930s Life Skills Adapted for the Next Great Depression 2.0 – Weekly Humorist
weeklyhumorist.com
November 24, 2024 at 6:24 PM
Wrote this 4 years ago and yet, even more useful today. Just change the twitter joke to Bluesky.
weeklyhumorist.com/1930s-life-s...
weeklyhumorist.com/1930s-life-s...
Reposted by Shannon
May the odds be ever in your favor.
(Wrote this one for @mcsweeneys.net a while back.)
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hol...
Holiday Air Travel Haiku
A five a.m. flight
Is a good way to make sure
You’ll be up all night.
- - -
Security lines
Are all three hours. But good news!
Your flight is cance...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 23, 2024 at 6:48 PM
May the odds be ever in your favor.
(Wrote this one for @mcsweeneys.net a while back.)
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hol...
I've decided to turn this account into the weird shit my wife says while she's asleep. A notorious sleep talker,
Me: I love you.
Her: Fine, but we should be finished by Q1, and then we will see how it goes.
Looks like I'm on a timeline.
Me: I love you.
Her: Fine, but we should be finished by Q1, and then we will see how it goes.
Looks like I'm on a timeline.
November 23, 2024 at 2:13 AM
I've decided to turn this account into the weird shit my wife says while she's asleep. A notorious sleep talker,
Me: I love you.
Her: Fine, but we should be finished by Q1, and then we will see how it goes.
Looks like I'm on a timeline.
Me: I love you.
Her: Fine, but we should be finished by Q1, and then we will see how it goes.
Looks like I'm on a timeline.
Please don't let there be Nazis here. Please don't let there be Nazis here. Please don't let there be Nazis here.
Are the Nazis here?
Are the Nazis here?
November 22, 2024 at 5:17 AM
Please don't let there be Nazis here. Please don't let there be Nazis here. Please don't let there be Nazis here.
Are the Nazis here?
Are the Nazis here?