it genuinely feels like i have been moments away from a full psychotic break for weeks now. like where i will burn all my bridges and truly destroy what little it feels like i have left

i just don't know. i really don't know. i'm insane i think

its like the first 4 stages of grief but neverending and all at the same time

i'm running out of options as i always am. it really does feel like every day i am lucky to have made it through

i'm not doing self isolation but it still feels like i am. i feel so empty and alone. just kill me now man

i feel like i'm going insane. like i need to smash my head into everything etc blah blah blah i am in pain

nothing like shaking and sobbing uncontrollably am i right haha

fucking kill me i'm so tired let me die existing is so exhausting and it's not really worth it

idk my brain moves too fast. i want to not be alone

i don't deserve anything

im gonna throw up i hate all of this i don't want to live like this anymore. i want to die. i don't know if i can ever forgive myself

i thought i was safe, and when it was even threatened at all, i exploded

i want to be better. i want to be the person everyone thinks i am.

but now i need to not kill myself. and i genuinely wish that it didn't feel as difficult as it does.

the only person that can improve me, is me. im trying.

one of the reasons i write is because it forces me to focus on my emotions. it forces me to express them through text, rather through a more self destructive way.

i hate that i am as insecure and paranoid as i am. i hate that i need constant reassurance. i hate that i can't handle being alone

and even then, when i still had the chance, i pushed and pushed and made it worse and worse. i broke promises, i lashed out, i was the person i was always terrified that i am.

i want to be okay, i want to be normal, i want to be better. i want to have the void in my life SHUT THE FUCK UP

i feel legitimately insane and delusional that i am still this emotionally affected. i feel like it is pathetic that i cant function nearly as well because of a single person. i know i was trying to not be reliant on anyone, and trying to get help, but i did not get it in time to prepare me for this

i feel like it's even further my fault for not knowing my own mental health problems and disclosing them. i didn't know why i was like this, and i know the "why" isn't an excuse for what happened, but i feel absolutely terrible that i couldn't have given a warning about it before anything happened