i didn't stop to think and reflect because i was with friends and didn't want to ruin the vibes. i guess i pushed the thoughts and feelings aside. but just now i broke down and cried. i guess finally they caught up with me.

when i was crossing the street from the garden to the temple today i saw my mother in my mind. it reminded me of her stubbornness, how she insisted on crossing the street where it was not allowed, me telling her and her not listening to me but listened to the security guard.

how my nephew cried when we had to put his skates inside the locker because they were not allowed in the gardens, taking pictures of my nephew and niece swinging on some vines, getting some bandaid because my niece had blisters on her foot.

while i was there today, i was reminded of everything from getting in line with my nephew and niece to get our tickets while my mother waited, telling the security guard my mother couldn't go through the metal detector because she had a pacemaker,

going to the botanical garden today was harder because i went there with my mother (and nephew and niece) about a month before she passed away. maybe because it was more recent.

like i could separate the two. i did have a recollection of being there when i was with her but the emotions were neutral and i wasn't swept away by grief or anything like that. maybe i just haven't processed the emotions, maybe i'm repressing them. i don't know.

she was angry at first saying how could i do that to her however she eventually accepted. she asked me to pray for her to help her pass across. i held her hand and she returned to the golden sea where she came from.

thank you 🥲