i cant keep contact with people who encourage, intentionally or otherwise, me to believe im not worthy of effort or care or consideration (whether throughtheir words or actions), not even if they say its outside of their control and maybe even especially if they say that

largely because i have too much trauma around it now, and i cant protect my safety and wellbeing and also allow those people to have access to me

💛🫂

honestly, im rambling my feelings out here to avoid sharing about it where they know my accounts. because the urge to vague back where they might see it or message them about posts that werent intended for me to interact with isnt healthy or constructive. so im finding a different space to process

but i still want them to do well. and be happy. and have support and happy relationships. i just need them to do it without me now. i wish they felt the same instead of imagining me as their villain. but if its what they need to move on i suppose i have to accept that?

god, i loved them. i loved them so much. im angry about how they treated our mutual partner. and im sad about how they treated me. its easier to be mad for someone else, i think.

it makes me sad to see that they perceived my boundaries on how im treated or on accountability or relational repair work... as me being unaccepting or unwilling to accommodate them.

my problem was never with anything inherent about them. i was willing to change and grow with them. my problem was with their (very new - it wasnt always like this) framing of having no agency in how they treated me (or our mutual partner), and therefore, no accountability for it

i loved them. genuinely and truly. and was devastated to lose them. i told a friend "it feels like theres a hole in my chest, like a piece of me is missing" when we broke up.

perhaps they thought differently then. perhaps they forgot what theyd told me. perhaps they thought theyd told me the opposite. or perhaps they misled me. how am i to know. it wont change anything now

its also hard not to feel a little misled when the things they post when vagueing about me now directly contradict the things they directly told me then. how was i to know [redacted] when they told me the opposite? was i to assume they were lying? i just dont want to live that way in relationships.

but i have to let it go. i have to let the image they have of me exist however it will without my input or defense bc trying to be heard by them only hurt me and trying to justify myself to them is meddling that doesnt let them heal and move on however they need to. but. like. UGH.

i do hate that they have to picture me a villain to accept that we didn't succeed at fixing it.

but god do i yearn to be understood and believed about my own emotions/experiencs/self. even by people who never were going to understand me. and its ok to let them have whatever mental image of me they need to create to feel ok moving on.

and having to remember that if they didnt hear and understand what you meant when there was still a chance to change things, its not healthy for you to try to be understood again now that you know you have to move on