Make sure you don't have to work the next day!

Good question
Because they are not 100% impartial?

I think the article is a bit tongue in cheek.
Maybe even slightly sarcastic

In his dreams

I suspected some kind of interstellar interference! Glad you're okay my friend

You'll have to admire that.

I must be honest, I keep thinking it reminds me of someone, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
It looks good on you though.

A dirty mind is a joy forever
As my stepfather used to say

Ohh enjoy!
Food, wine, beatiful scenery..

So strange! I just get a cookie thing and reject all unnecessary ones.
Could you screenshot the request for money that you see?

Oh no, your cocktails stands on your translator device! What if Gr'zzlax knocks it over (earth cats would)?
The device won't work anymore and we can't get anymore missives from you.
That would be so bad.