Andrew Belfry
@andrewbelfry.com
(Humor) Writer. Ph.D. candidate in English & Creative Writing. MFA. Words in McSweeney's, HAD, Points in Case, & elsewhere. Father of two. he/him. Tired. https://www.andrewbelfry.com/
Pinned
Andrew Belfry
@andrewbelfry.com
· Jun 26
"Practically, they can’t be anything they want. For example, as both have requested, neither can become a penguin, an apple tree, or, apparently, the President of the United States."
An Open Letter to Everyone Telling My Daughters They Can Be Anything They Want
Dear Everyone Telling My Daughters They Can Be Anything They Want, Please stop. I agree with you in spirit, but telling my five and four-year-old d...
buff.ly
Wife: What's your @mcsweeneys.net piece about?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?
There are too many ways to make coffee.
August 13, 2025 at 5:54 PM
There are too many ways to make coffee.
I take a deeper breath trying to catch second hand cigarette smoke than I do before submerging in water. #SmokeFreeSince2014
August 12, 2025 at 8:49 PM
I take a deeper breath trying to catch second hand cigarette smoke than I do before submerging in water. #SmokeFreeSince2014
Today I turn 35, an age I've told people I am for months because I genuinely forgot.
August 10, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Today I turn 35, an age I've told people I am for months because I genuinely forgot.
Anyone have the data on if squeegeeing one's shower door is actually doing anything?
August 8, 2025 at 6:10 PM
Anyone have the data on if squeegeeing one's shower door is actually doing anything?
People: I know I'm late, but Sinners (2025) is great, and I want to talk about it.
Me: I know I'm late, but Don Quixote (1605 & 1615) is great, and I want to talk about it.
Me: I know I'm late, but Don Quixote (1605 & 1615) is great, and I want to talk about it.
August 6, 2025 at 4:00 PM
People: I know I'm late, but Sinners (2025) is great, and I want to talk about it.
Me: I know I'm late, but Don Quixote (1605 & 1615) is great, and I want to talk about it.
Me: I know I'm late, but Don Quixote (1605 & 1615) is great, and I want to talk about it.
Anyone know who the patron saint of getting sand out of water shoes in time for camp the next day is?
July 28, 2025 at 8:26 PM
Anyone know who the patron saint of getting sand out of water shoes in time for camp the next day is?
Me: My kids need to try new foods.
Also me: Who ate MY left over biryani?!
Also me: Who ate MY left over biryani?!
July 21, 2025 at 9:57 PM
Me: My kids need to try new foods.
Also me: Who ate MY left over biryani?!
Also me: Who ate MY left over biryani?!
The moral of Home Alone is that parents can leave a child (8yo and up) and go to Paris. The kid will be fine.
July 10, 2025 at 11:17 AM
The moral of Home Alone is that parents can leave a child (8yo and up) and go to Paris. The kid will be fine.
My 5yo attends an art camp from 9:30 - 11:30 a.m.
That's it. That's the joke.
That's it. That's the joke.
July 9, 2025 at 11:08 AM
My 5yo attends an art camp from 9:30 - 11:30 a.m.
That's it. That's the joke.
That's it. That's the joke.
Me: Time to finish this epistolary novel draft before the semester beg—
Short Satire Ideas: LOOK OVER HERE!
Short Satire Ideas: LOOK OVER HERE!
July 8, 2025 at 5:35 PM
Me: Time to finish this epistolary novel draft before the semester beg—
Short Satire Ideas: LOOK OVER HERE!
Short Satire Ideas: LOOK OVER HERE!
Can we please workshop the phrase "gift link?' The subject of these articles are not exactly in keeping with the holiday spirit.
July 7, 2025 at 10:23 PM
Can we please workshop the phrase "gift link?' The subject of these articles are not exactly in keeping with the holiday spirit.
Before kids: I'm an atheist.
After kids: Please Allah, Jesus, Thor, Whoever, let there be more goldfish in the pantry.
After kids: Please Allah, Jesus, Thor, Whoever, let there be more goldfish in the pantry.
June 29, 2025 at 12:05 PM
Before kids: I'm an atheist.
After kids: Please Allah, Jesus, Thor, Whoever, let there be more goldfish in the pantry.
After kids: Please Allah, Jesus, Thor, Whoever, let there be more goldfish in the pantry.
Nothing makes a kid bored faster than receiving the toy they asked for.
June 28, 2025 at 7:57 PM
Nothing makes a kid bored faster than receiving the toy they asked for.
Wife: What's your @mcsweeneys.net piece about?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?
"Practically, they can’t be anything they want. For example, as both have requested, neither can become a penguin, an apple tree, or, apparently, the President of the United States."
An Open Letter to Everyone Telling My Daughters They Can Be Anything They Want
Dear Everyone Telling My Daughters They Can Be Anything They Want, Please stop. I agree with you in spirit, but telling my five and four-year-old d...
buff.ly
June 26, 2025 at 5:29 PM
Wife: What's your @mcsweeneys.net piece about?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?
Introduction my latest in a long line of writing distractions. "Doc Seuss"
June 25, 2025 at 6:06 PM
Introduction my latest in a long line of writing distractions. "Doc Seuss"
After much debate with the kids our new puppy's full name is "Doc Seuss" and sometimes "Doc McStuffins" when my 4yo forgets.
June 21, 2025 at 11:18 AM
After much debate with the kids our new puppy's full name is "Doc Seuss" and sometimes "Doc McStuffins" when my 4yo forgets.
Fighting my kids to get in the car for their summer concert they demanded I attend is peak parenting.
June 20, 2025 at 11:43 AM
Fighting my kids to get in the car for their summer concert they demanded I attend is peak parenting.
I wish I had the confidence my 4yo has who repeatedly affirms "I can do that" while watching videos of Simone Biles compete.
June 6, 2025 at 12:22 AM
I wish I had the confidence my 4yo has who repeatedly affirms "I can do that" while watching videos of Simone Biles compete.
My Creativity: We only think on the page.
Me: [literally every second away from my desk] Is that a story? Should I write that?
Me: [literally every second away from my desk] Is that a story? Should I write that?
June 4, 2025 at 11:50 AM
My Creativity: We only think on the page.
Me: [literally every second away from my desk] Is that a story? Should I write that?
Me: [literally every second away from my desk] Is that a story? Should I write that?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
5yo: Are you sad your mom died when you were little?
Me: ... yes.
5yo: Chicken nuggets.
Me: ...
5yo: [walks away]
5yo: Are you sad your mom died when you were little?
Me: ... yes.
5yo: Chicken nuggets.
Me: ...
5yo: [walks away]
June 3, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Me: What do you want for dinner?
5yo: Are you sad your mom died when you were little?
Me: ... yes.
5yo: Chicken nuggets.
Me: ...
5yo: [walks away]
5yo: Are you sad your mom died when you were little?
Me: ... yes.
5yo: Chicken nuggets.
Me: ...
5yo: [walks away]
My 4yo is prancing around the house with her recently acquired library card assuring everyone she "can pay for that."
May 17, 2025 at 10:59 PM
My 4yo is prancing around the house with her recently acquired library card assuring everyone she "can pay for that."
Being in a car for more than 6 minutes with a preschooler is equal to all the interrogation training they do at Quantico.
May 12, 2025 at 4:55 PM
Being in a car for more than 6 minutes with a preschooler is equal to all the interrogation training they do at Quantico.
Reposted by Andrew Belfry
A Chicago Pope implies the existence of an MLA Pope and APA Pope
May 8, 2025 at 5:36 PM
A Chicago Pope implies the existence of an MLA Pope and APA Pope
Me: Now that the semester is over, I don't have to read these long books from the 18—
Also me: [opens Crime and Punishment]
Also me: [opens Crime and Punishment]
April 30, 2025 at 2:14 PM
Me: Now that the semester is over, I don't have to read these long books from the 18—
Also me: [opens Crime and Punishment]
Also me: [opens Crime and Punishment]
Poets know more names of flowers than botanists.
April 29, 2025 at 6:16 PM
Poets know more names of flowers than botanists.