*hugs* Yeah, I feel you there.

Especially if you’ve been at the point of being emotionally exhausted with the kinds of tears you don’t want to cry for an insufferably long time—while the tears of joy you do yearn to cry still feel lost in the shadows of an unknown future that is simply hoped for.

Also a big bravo to conductor Jun Märkl, soprano Katrina Galka, tenor Marc Molomot, and baritone Troy Cook!

I hate that this where I’m at, I just want something that feels right and inspires hope. But I’ve been so lonely for so long. I feel broken.

So it's not uncommon for me to still throw up nude pics on Fet or possibly other places, knowing I will attract the very same kinds of chaser culture comments I'm complaining about.

Because I crave not just attention, but affection and affirmation for who I am.

But a funny thing about my reaction to this:
bsky.app/profile/alai...

I have found that I still crave attention, and interestingly the male gaze. Any time a gorgeous man tells me about the beautiful woman I am my heart just swoons, because for a moment, I feel like my soul is seen.

Fortunately, I'm having a major swing in cashflow for my budget. After 10 years I feel like I can now finally save up rather than just live paycheck to paycheck.

So here's hoping I finally finish this transition journey in the next 2-3 years.

And then I strive for my transition goals and get myself back on track again, because what else can I do?

My conservative family might think I could detrans, but they don't realize that's like asking me to go back to being a walking zombie devoid of all life.

I feel like I'm just really jaded towards dating and sex because of so many toxic interactions. Tack on the state of my body and I'm just like "I give up, what's the point, I'll just be celibate until achieve a level of normalcy, go insane, or die".

I mean, if you really want to get my attention because you're truly interested in me...

Why isn't it instead "Hey there, I want to love and support you on your transition goals, because I can see that is what you need the most for your happiness, and I would love to help you reach a place of true happiness."?

And when I feel like I catch even the slightest scent that someone prefers my body this way more so than they prefer my body to be configured the way that makes me happy--there are few things that could be a quicker turn off and cause of general distaste for wanting any kind of physical intimacy.

...nor experience what I truly want to feel. And as for those that do believe I'm a "proper partner" in my current state, most are just fetishizing my body rather than loving me for who I am. As if they truly loved me for who I am, they wouldn't prefer my body configured this way over what I want.

And it gets lonely for me too, because I tend to push people away rather than make another attempt at physical intimacy that I know is going to lead to me be triggered about the inadequacy of my body, and that I can't even be a proper partner for my lover...

The overall feeling that comes with all the times of never feeling fulfilled while trying to be intimate with someone I love just eats away at me inside--in that part of my soul that believes in and yearns for my happiness.

I've tried so hard to be there for partners in a sort of "service top" role. And I do have a level of enjoyment in pleasuring and pleasing others. But not being able to reach a place where my needs for physical intimacy can even possibly be fulfilled has been difficult.

Due to this, sometimes I feel closer to being ACE because I just don't want to deal with sex or situations where I may feel pressured into sex.

I just need to get my lower surgery. As I'm not going to be happy with the idea of being sexually intimate until things are right enough downstairs first.

The greatest roll model 💚

Kind of relatable I suppose.

“…it will be evident that the hard reality of trying to be someone you aren’t has been at best supplanted by the hard reality of being alone except when you can muster the effort to fill the holes.”