Your kid's eyes called. They need you to pick them up at the library, and then they need you to pick up the rest of your kid, who's been wandering around sightlessly in the ravine behind the library.

To live in a functional commonwealth, one must be governed by an absolute sovereign whose rule enforces the wearing of headphones in public and the making of phones with headphone jacks

(The doctor picks up an apple, visibly distressed.)

—And, uh, what about this? Can you identify this object?

—It's a scootboard. That's what it is.

Elon Musk: So the joke, the joke is, (Laughs) There, uh, there's a chicken, and a, uh, a road... (Laughs) And the question is, uh, why did it happen? (Laughs)

Does it involve decorative gourds? The short answer is yes, but before I go on, you should probably sit down...

If a head is to be impaled on a spike, some would say that placing the head at the very top of the spike is the most respectful position

To prove this thesis dearly held by me
I proffer reasons numbered one through three

A revolution is not a dinner party, or purchasing mustard for a dinner party, or opening a bottle of mustard to look inside and watch the mustard to make sure it stays put until the guests arrive. A revolution is an act of squirting mustard, sloppily.