"Kash Patel: Trump’s ultimate yes-man who spins conspiracies faster than he spins through job titles. Head of FBI? From dodging accountability to rewriting reality, he’s a MAGA loyalist so shameless even facts avoid him. If grifting were a skill, Kash would have a gold-plated diploma by now."

Roast of the day - "Pete Hegseth: MAGA tattooed white-power wannabe who’s as much a journalist as he is role model. Sex pest who peddles propaganda like it’s gospel, he shouldn’t be trusted near an Action Man set, let alone the U.S. military. His biggest achievement?Making Tucker look restrained."

"Pierre Poilievre: Canada’s bargain-bin,Wish.com version of Trump. All the arrogance, none of the charisma, and a platform built on bad takes and buzzwords. He’s a walking conspiracy generator who thinks yelling ‘freedom’ is a substitute for leadership. Even his rhetoric feels imported and cheap."

"Mike Johnson: a spineless Trump bag carrier who’ll be tossed aside the moment Trump snaps his fingers. A useless House Speaker so fixated on Hunter Biden he might as well move into his laptop. Pretending to lead while clinging to MAGA scraps—pathetic doesn’t even cover it."

"Brooke Rollins: sure, she grew up on a farm, but being around cows doesn’t qualify you to run agriculture—though it explains her comfort shoveling MAGA nonsense. Another Botoxed Trump cultist, farming out credibility faster than crops in a drought and loyalty over logic every time."

"Pam Bondi: the former Florida AG who spent more time cozying up to Trump than fighting for justice. Famous for dropping a Trump University fraud case after a donation, she’s proof that loyalty to a grifter pays—just not for the people she was elected to serve. Morality? Sold separately."

Roast of the Day: "Trump’s $1,500 guitars: the ultimate scam for MAGA die-hards who’ll buy anything with his name slapped on it. A cheap vanity project dressed up as craftsmanship, just like his failed casinos and marriages. Perfect for playing the blues after realizing you’ve been conned—again."

"Ryan Walters: the clown who blows taxpayer money on $60 Trump Bibles while Oklahoma’s students rank 48th in the nation. He’s more interested in playing preacher than fixing schools, turning education into a circus of ignorance. The only thing he’s teaching? How to fail spectacularly."

"Sean Duffy: a washed-up reality TV star with zero qualifications to run transportation—unless whining counts as infrastructure. His ideas are as broken as the roads he’d neglect. If ignorance and arrogance built highways, he’d still get lost on the way to doing his job."

"Boris Epshteyn: the human fog machine of Trumpworld, spewing legal defenses as flimsy as his credibility. He’s the guy you call when Giuliani’s busy melting and Sidney Powell’s too unhinged. If being smug and ineffectual were a skill, he’d have a gold-plated trophy by now."

"Pete Hegseth: Trump’s fantasy Defense Secretary pick, because nothing says ‘national security’ like a guy who can’t defend a coherent argument. From tossing axes on TV to peddling Fox News propaganda, Pete’s qualifications for the Pentagon are as legit as Trump’s election fraud claims."

"Kari Lake: the news anchor turned election denier, proving she’s better at reading scripts than reality. She’s the poster child for sore losers, clinging to 2020 like it’s her last hairspray can. If drama were policy, she’d be running a soap opera, not a campaign."

"Lara Trump: the aspiring country singer who makes autotune work overtime. She’s like a Trump-brand Swiss Army knife - awkward, unnecessary, and barely functional. Her political takes are as flat as her vocals, proving nepotism really does hit all the wrong notes."