Patricia MacDowell (Human Being)
@actually-autistic.bsky.social
Autistic Advocate
Filmmaker | Memoirist
AI = Autistic Intelligence
#Autistic #Neurodivergent #ADHD
Filmmaker | Memoirist
AI = Autistic Intelligence
#Autistic #Neurodivergent #ADHD
Pinned
The Unseen Battle Within – Autism, Fear, and Hidden Resilience | Litro
The Unseen Battle Within — a memoir of masking, autism, ADHD, and a love that slipped away.
www.litromagazine.com
My personal essay “The Unseen Battle Within” explores love, loss, panic, and masking while undiagnosed.
Selected as an Editor’s Choice in Litro USA.
For those late-diagnosed autistic or AuDHD, you may recognize pieces of yourself here.
www.litromagazine.com/usa/2025/09/...
Selected as an Editor’s Choice in Litro USA.
For those late-diagnosed autistic or AuDHD, you may recognize pieces of yourself here.
www.litromagazine.com/usa/2025/09/...
Why It Feels So Intense To Return Home When You Rarely Go Out:
Your body gets used to one environment — deeply
You spend almost all your time at home, in a space where:
everything is predictable
every sound has a meaning
the sensory level is stable
your routines are automatic
Your body gets used to one environment — deeply
You spend almost all your time at home, in a space where:
everything is predictable
every sound has a meaning
the sensory level is stable
your routines are automatic
November 24, 2025 at 3:33 AM
Why It Feels So Intense To Return Home When You Rarely Go Out:
Your body gets used to one environment — deeply
You spend almost all your time at home, in a space where:
everything is predictable
every sound has a meaning
the sensory level is stable
your routines are automatic
Your body gets used to one environment — deeply
You spend almost all your time at home, in a space where:
everything is predictable
every sound has a meaning
the sensory level is stable
your routines are automatic
Autistic panic can absolutely include catastrophic “what if” thoughts.
People have this idea that autistic anxiety is “logical” or “linear.”
But when an autistic adult is ungrounded or overwhelmed, the mind can:
attach panic to extreme scenarios
create concrete sensory fears
People have this idea that autistic anxiety is “logical” or “linear.”
But when an autistic adult is ungrounded or overwhelmed, the mind can:
attach panic to extreme scenarios
create concrete sensory fears
November 24, 2025 at 3:15 AM
Autistic panic can absolutely include catastrophic “what if” thoughts.
People have this idea that autistic anxiety is “logical” or “linear.”
But when an autistic adult is ungrounded or overwhelmed, the mind can:
attach panic to extreme scenarios
create concrete sensory fears
People have this idea that autistic anxiety is “logical” or “linear.”
But when an autistic adult is ungrounded or overwhelmed, the mind can:
attach panic to extreme scenarios
create concrete sensory fears
We’re learning it’s not just mind over matter.
It’s heart over habit.
Nervous system over performance.
Truth over fear.
And slowly, us over expectation.
It’s heart over habit.
Nervous system over performance.
Truth over fear.
And slowly, us over expectation.
November 22, 2025 at 8:09 PM
We’re learning it’s not just mind over matter.
It’s heart over habit.
Nervous system over performance.
Truth over fear.
And slowly, us over expectation.
It’s heart over habit.
Nervous system over performance.
Truth over fear.
And slowly, us over expectation.
As late-diagnosed autistic individuals,
we’ve spent years learning to appear “fine” —
while quietly managing overwhelm, shutdown, and self-doubt.
Naming it now isn’t:
🔸Giving in
🔸Regression
🔸Defeat
🔸A burden
It’s finally giving ourselves:
🔸Permission
🔸Clarity
🔸Understanding
🔸A beginning
we’ve spent years learning to appear “fine” —
while quietly managing overwhelm, shutdown, and self-doubt.
Naming it now isn’t:
🔸Giving in
🔸Regression
🔸Defeat
🔸A burden
It’s finally giving ourselves:
🔸Permission
🔸Clarity
🔸Understanding
🔸A beginning
November 22, 2025 at 8:08 PM
As late-diagnosed autistic individuals,
we’ve spent years learning to appear “fine” —
while quietly managing overwhelm, shutdown, and self-doubt.
Naming it now isn’t:
🔸Giving in
🔸Regression
🔸Defeat
🔸A burden
It’s finally giving ourselves:
🔸Permission
🔸Clarity
🔸Understanding
🔸A beginning
we’ve spent years learning to appear “fine” —
while quietly managing overwhelm, shutdown, and self-doubt.
Naming it now isn’t:
🔸Giving in
🔸Regression
🔸Defeat
🔸A burden
It’s finally giving ourselves:
🔸Permission
🔸Clarity
🔸Understanding
🔸A beginning
Autistic pattern recognition + trauma = we don’t just feel hurt. We analyze it, loop it, try to make sense of it. Until we do, it lives in us like unfinished business.
November 22, 2025 at 8:04 PM
Autistic pattern recognition + trauma = we don’t just feel hurt. We analyze it, loop it, try to make sense of it. Until we do, it lives in us like unfinished business.
Autistic individuals often have heightened pattern recognition. When trauma is part of the mix, that pattern recognition turns inward — looping, analyzing, trying to make sense. This is well documented in both cognitive and trauma literature.
November 22, 2025 at 8:03 PM
Autistic individuals often have heightened pattern recognition. When trauma is part of the mix, that pattern recognition turns inward — looping, analyzing, trying to make sense. This is well documented in both cognitive and trauma literature.
Because many autistic individuals have experienced chronic invalidation, rejection, or masking, we carry trauma in our bodies. The nervous system remembers. Autistic individuals may experience shutdowns, looping thoughts, or delayed grief — especially after social rupture.
November 22, 2025 at 8:02 PM
Because many autistic individuals have experienced chronic invalidation, rejection, or masking, we carry trauma in our bodies. The nervous system remembers. Autistic individuals may experience shutdowns, looping thoughts, or delayed grief — especially after social rupture.
In autistic individuals, predictability often equals safety. When unpredictability strikes — especially in sensory-heavy settings — the body may dissociate, even when nothing “bad” is happening.
November 22, 2025 at 8:02 PM
In autistic individuals, predictability often equals safety. When unpredictability strikes — especially in sensory-heavy settings — the body may dissociate, even when nothing “bad” is happening.
Our nervous system doesn’t speak in words.
It speaks in felt sense.
In heart rate, muscle tension, breath, and gut instinct.
It responds to safety, not logic.
It speaks in felt sense.
In heart rate, muscle tension, breath, and gut instinct.
It responds to safety, not logic.
November 22, 2025 at 8:01 PM
Our nervous system doesn’t speak in words.
It speaks in felt sense.
In heart rate, muscle tension, breath, and gut instinct.
It responds to safety, not logic.
It speaks in felt sense.
In heart rate, muscle tension, breath, and gut instinct.
It responds to safety, not logic.
Many of us learned to stay composed through shutdown.
It doesn’t always look like distress.
Sometimes it looks like silence, stillness, or being far away inside.
It doesn’t always look like distress.
Sometimes it looks like silence, stillness, or being far away inside.
November 22, 2025 at 8:01 PM
Many of us learned to stay composed through shutdown.
It doesn’t always look like distress.
Sometimes it looks like silence, stillness, or being far away inside.
It doesn’t always look like distress.
Sometimes it looks like silence, stillness, or being far away inside.
Some of us feel wrong in our skin.
Not as an idea.
As a tightening in the chest.
A jaw that won’t unclench.
We don’t always have the words,
but our bodies know.
Not as an idea.
As a tightening in the chest.
A jaw that won’t unclench.
We don’t always have the words,
but our bodies know.
November 22, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Some of us feel wrong in our skin.
Not as an idea.
As a tightening in the chest.
A jaw that won’t unclench.
We don’t always have the words,
but our bodies know.
Not as an idea.
As a tightening in the chest.
A jaw that won’t unclench.
We don’t always have the words,
but our bodies know.
Neurotypical people can filter.
We can’t.
They observe.
We absorb — everything.
Every word, every shift, every unspoken edge.
We can’t.
They observe.
We absorb — everything.
Every word, every shift, every unspoken edge.
November 22, 2025 at 7:58 PM
Neurotypical people can filter.
We can’t.
They observe.
We absorb — everything.
Every word, every shift, every unspoken edge.
We can’t.
They observe.
We absorb — everything.
Every word, every shift, every unspoken edge.
Autistic individuals often experience greater energy depletion than non-autistic people, not because they are less capable, but because the demands of navigating a neurotypical world — including masking, sensory overwhelm, and constant adaptation — place a higher toll on their systems.
November 22, 2025 at 7:57 PM
Autistic individuals often experience greater energy depletion than non-autistic people, not because they are less capable, but because the demands of navigating a neurotypical world — including masking, sensory overwhelm, and constant adaptation — place a higher toll on their systems.
We weren’t sensitive for no reason.
We were adapting to a world that never adjusted to us.
And we learned early: stay quiet. Stay small.
Don’t let the truth be too loud.
We were adapting to a world that never adjusted to us.
And we learned early: stay quiet. Stay small.
Don’t let the truth be too loud.
November 22, 2025 at 7:57 PM
We weren’t sensitive for no reason.
We were adapting to a world that never adjusted to us.
And we learned early: stay quiet. Stay small.
Don’t let the truth be too loud.
We were adapting to a world that never adjusted to us.
And we learned early: stay quiet. Stay small.
Don’t let the truth be too loud.
ADHD fills us with ideas.
Autism reminds us of our limits.
Most days we live in the collision.
A restlessness that wants to run, a sensitivity that makes every step feel too loud.
This is AuDHD.
Momentum and overwhelm, trying to share the same body.
Autism reminds us of our limits.
Most days we live in the collision.
A restlessness that wants to run, a sensitivity that makes every step feel too loud.
This is AuDHD.
Momentum and overwhelm, trying to share the same body.
November 22, 2025 at 7:55 PM
ADHD fills us with ideas.
Autism reminds us of our limits.
Most days we live in the collision.
A restlessness that wants to run, a sensitivity that makes every step feel too loud.
This is AuDHD.
Momentum and overwhelm, trying to share the same body.
Autism reminds us of our limits.
Most days we live in the collision.
A restlessness that wants to run, a sensitivity that makes every step feel too loud.
This is AuDHD.
Momentum and overwhelm, trying to share the same body.
Our late autism diagnosis didn’t give us a new story.
It gave us the explanation we’d been missing — and the truth we always needed.
It gave us the explanation we’d been missing — and the truth we always needed.
November 22, 2025 at 2:30 AM
Our late autism diagnosis didn’t give us a new story.
It gave us the explanation we’d been missing — and the truth we always needed.
It gave us the explanation we’d been missing — and the truth we always needed.
For so many late-diagnosed autistic individuals, one of the most disorienting parts of making sense of your life through this new lens is the emotional whiplash.
One moment you think, “I feel fine — maybe I imagined this.”
The next, “How did I survive like that for so long?”
One moment you think, “I feel fine — maybe I imagined this.”
The next, “How did I survive like that for so long?”
November 22, 2025 at 2:29 AM
For so many late-diagnosed autistic individuals, one of the most disorienting parts of making sense of your life through this new lens is the emotional whiplash.
One moment you think, “I feel fine — maybe I imagined this.”
The next, “How did I survive like that for so long?”
One moment you think, “I feel fine — maybe I imagined this.”
The next, “How did I survive like that for so long?”
Autistic individuals process sensory input more intensely. Their nervous systems are often in a persistent state of hyperarousal or shutdown, especially in inaccessible or high-stress environments.
November 22, 2025 at 2:25 AM
Autistic individuals process sensory input more intensely. Their nervous systems are often in a persistent state of hyperarousal or shutdown, especially in inaccessible or high-stress environments.
Autistic burnout is a whole-body state of collapse. It impairs executive function, motivation, memory, sensory tolerance, and communication. It is not “just exhaustion.” It is neurological depletion.
November 22, 2025 at 2:24 AM
Autistic burnout is a whole-body state of collapse. It impairs executive function, motivation, memory, sensory tolerance, and communication. It is not “just exhaustion.” It is neurological depletion.
🌿 So what is autism really?
It's a neurobiological difference in how the nervous system perceives, processes, and regulates the world — both outside and inside.
It’s not something to fix.
It’s something to understand, support, and work with.
It's a neurobiological difference in how the nervous system perceives, processes, and regulates the world — both outside and inside.
It’s not something to fix.
It’s something to understand, support, and work with.
November 22, 2025 at 2:24 AM
🌿 So what is autism really?
It's a neurobiological difference in how the nervous system perceives, processes, and regulates the world — both outside and inside.
It’s not something to fix.
It’s something to understand, support, and work with.
It's a neurobiological difference in how the nervous system perceives, processes, and regulates the world — both outside and inside.
It’s not something to fix.
It’s something to understand, support, and work with.
The Autistic Body is Not Just a Neurotype — It’s a System
Autism isn’t just about the brain. It’s also about the nervous system, digestive system, and how all of it feels — how it informs your sense of self, your access to energy, your overwhelm, your shutdown.
Autism isn’t just about the brain. It’s also about the nervous system, digestive system, and how all of it feels — how it informs your sense of self, your access to energy, your overwhelm, your shutdown.
November 22, 2025 at 2:23 AM
The Autistic Body is Not Just a Neurotype — It’s a System
Autism isn’t just about the brain. It’s also about the nervous system, digestive system, and how all of it feels — how it informs your sense of self, your access to energy, your overwhelm, your shutdown.
Autism isn’t just about the brain. It’s also about the nervous system, digestive system, and how all of it feels — how it informs your sense of self, your access to energy, your overwhelm, your shutdown.
Many autistic adults are diagnosed with generalized anxiety or panic disorder — but the root cause is often nervous system dysregulation, not fear-based thinking.
This leads to treatments that manage symptoms, but miss the system.
This leads to treatments that manage symptoms, but miss the system.
November 22, 2025 at 2:21 AM
Many autistic adults are diagnosed with generalized anxiety or panic disorder — but the root cause is often nervous system dysregulation, not fear-based thinking.
This leads to treatments that manage symptoms, but miss the system.
This leads to treatments that manage symptoms, but miss the system.
Autistic shutdown is not calm.
It’s a neurological state where the system goes into protective collapse — reduced speech, movement, and expression.
It’s the body saying, “I can’t process anything more.”
It’s a circuit breaker, not a choice.
It’s a neurological state where the system goes into protective collapse — reduced speech, movement, and expression.
It’s the body saying, “I can’t process anything more.”
It’s a circuit breaker, not a choice.
November 22, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Autistic shutdown is not calm.
It’s a neurological state where the system goes into protective collapse — reduced speech, movement, and expression.
It’s the body saying, “I can’t process anything more.”
It’s a circuit breaker, not a choice.
It’s a neurological state where the system goes into protective collapse — reduced speech, movement, and expression.
It’s the body saying, “I can’t process anything more.”
It’s a circuit breaker, not a choice.
Some of us weren’t “high-functioning.”
We were high-masking.
And no one saw the difference until we collapsed.
We were high-masking.
And no one saw the difference until we collapsed.
November 22, 2025 at 2:18 AM
Some of us weren’t “high-functioning.”
We were high-masking.
And no one saw the difference until we collapsed.
We were high-masking.
And no one saw the difference until we collapsed.
Unmasking isn’t a switch you flip. It’s not “now I know I’m autistic, so now I just get to be myself.” Most of us spend years—sometimes decades—learning how to hide the parts of ourselves that didn’t fit. That mask doesn’t just come off in one piece.
November 22, 2025 at 2:04 AM
Unmasking isn’t a switch you flip. It’s not “now I know I’m autistic, so now I just get to be myself.” Most of us spend years—sometimes decades—learning how to hide the parts of ourselves that didn’t fit. That mask doesn’t just come off in one piece.