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I woke up early again today—around 5 a.m.—with my back pain flaring at a solid 8 out of 10. Just getting out of bed was a mission. I moved slowly, trying not to wake my partner. They sleep lightly, and I want to give them every moment of rest I can. I stumbled in the dark, scavenging for a clean-enough pair of shorts, socks, and a T-shirt.

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Yesterday, I stepped into the occupational specialist's office with a mix of hope and desperation. I desperately need a way to get back to work—income is dwindling and paying the bills is an ever-growing struggle. This appointment felt like it might be the turning point I’ve been waiting for. Finding parking was a battle in itself. I struggled to locate a spot, and when I finally did, the parking meter was so low that bending over to read the screen was painful.

It’s been almost a year now since I stopped working full-time. A year of trying, failing, trying again. A year of paperwork, appointments, appeals, and rejection letters. A year of proving, over and over again, that my pain is real, that my body isn’t what it used to be, that I need help. Applying for disability and income support programs is like being thrown into a maze with no exit.

I got only about three hours of sleep. My back cramping and pain kept me awake all night. Every time I rolled over, a stabbing pain shot through my lower back and down my leg. I can’t even recall the last time I slept a full seven hours—feeling rested has become an unknown, almost mythical state. But I keep trying.

I Sent Mail! I finally got my paperwork mailed off for my disability application. I also applied for my accessible parking permit. My partner took the day off to help me, and their support means the world. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay their kindness and patience. I try every day to tell them how much they mean to me—I love them all the amounts!

YouTube video by Jeff Douglas