Weekday Jokes
@weekdayjokes.bsky.social
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a dollar in it.
It’s currently half empty
It’s currently half empty
January 26, 2026 at 6:01 PM
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought, I put a dollar in it.
It’s currently half empty
It’s currently half empty
“Don't stress about it”
Oh perfect, I hadn't thought of that
Oh perfect, I hadn't thought of that
January 26, 2026 at 5:05 PM
“Don't stress about it”
Oh perfect, I hadn't thought of that
Oh perfect, I hadn't thought of that
When I say “the other day,” it could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth
January 26, 2026 at 2:54 PM
When I say “the other day,” it could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so remember…
Never drink and derive
Never drink and derive
January 26, 2026 at 1:16 PM
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so remember…
Never drink and derive
Never drink and derive
As I realised I was the only one who could see the dreaded repo man, I turned to the loan officer and whispered…
“I see debt people”
“I see debt people”
January 26, 2026 at 12:03 PM
As I realised I was the only one who could see the dreaded repo man, I turned to the loan officer and whispered…
“I see debt people”
“I see debt people”
I was working at a glue factory when I met my first girlfriend.
We bonded immediately
We bonded immediately
January 26, 2026 at 8:08 AM
I was working at a glue factory when I met my first girlfriend.
We bonded immediately
We bonded immediately
I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.
That's when the shift hit the fan
That's when the shift hit the fan
January 26, 2026 at 7:24 AM
I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.
That's when the shift hit the fan
That's when the shift hit the fan
My son said to me “Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?”
I said “Of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups”
I said “Of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups”
January 26, 2026 at 7:20 AM
My son said to me “Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?”
I said “Of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups”
I said “Of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups”
Me: [donates body to science]
Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]
Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]
January 25, 2026 at 11:57 PM
Me: [donates body to science]
Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]
Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]
My friend in Toronto is a heavy drinker.
In fact, he drank Canada Dry
In fact, he drank Canada Dry
January 25, 2026 at 11:13 PM
My friend in Toronto is a heavy drinker.
In fact, he drank Canada Dry
In fact, he drank Canada Dry
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can't cut me down!” the tree exclaims. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue”
“You can't cut me down!” the tree exclaims. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue”
January 25, 2026 at 9:16 PM
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can't cut me down!” the tree exclaims. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue”
“You can't cut me down!” the tree exclaims. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue”
Husband and wife are having drinks on the patio.
Husband: “I love you so much and can't live without you.”
Wife: “Is that you or the gin talking?”
Husband: “It's me talking to the gin”
Husband: “I love you so much and can't live without you.”
Wife: “Is that you or the gin talking?”
Husband: “It's me talking to the gin”
January 25, 2026 at 9:01 PM
Husband and wife are having drinks on the patio.
Husband: “I love you so much and can't live without you.”
Wife: “Is that you or the gin talking?”
Husband: “It's me talking to the gin”
Husband: “I love you so much and can't live without you.”
Wife: “Is that you or the gin talking?”
Husband: “It's me talking to the gin”
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job
So I went in and applied for the job
January 25, 2026 at 6:14 PM
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job
So I went in and applied for the job
Went to a deli to apply for a sandwich-making job.
They told me all the rolls were taken
They told me all the rolls were taken
January 25, 2026 at 5:27 PM
Went to a deli to apply for a sandwich-making job.
They told me all the rolls were taken
They told me all the rolls were taken
What do you call an agitated lobster?
A frustacean
A frustacean
January 25, 2026 at 4:26 PM
What do you call an agitated lobster?
A frustacean
A frustacean
Got pulled over today.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Just trying to keep up with traffic.”
Cop: “There is no traffic.”
Me: “Exactly. I’m that far behind”
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Just trying to keep up with traffic.”
Cop: “There is no traffic.”
Me: “Exactly. I’m that far behind”
January 25, 2026 at 12:33 PM
Got pulled over today.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Just trying to keep up with traffic.”
Cop: “There is no traffic.”
Me: “Exactly. I’m that far behind”
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Just trying to keep up with traffic.”
Cop: “There is no traffic.”
Me: “Exactly. I’m that far behind”
“You spent our entire life savings on dogs!”
“They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us”
“They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us”
January 25, 2026 at 12:18 PM
“You spent our entire life savings on dogs!”
“They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us”
“They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key
Because communication is key
January 25, 2026 at 9:10 AM
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key
Because communication is key
My phone somehow recorded a 5-minute video of my shoes yesterday. High definition, perfect angle, completely unintentional.
Some of the best footage I’ve ever captured
Some of the best footage I’ve ever captured
January 25, 2026 at 8:11 AM
My phone somehow recorded a 5-minute video of my shoes yesterday. High definition, perfect angle, completely unintentional.
Some of the best footage I’ve ever captured
Some of the best footage I’ve ever captured
Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2
Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2
January 25, 2026 at 7:16 AM
Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2
Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2
I have good problem solving skills.
But my problem creating skills are where I really shine
But my problem creating skills are where I really shine
January 24, 2026 at 11:29 PM
I have good problem solving skills.
But my problem creating skills are where I really shine
But my problem creating skills are where I really shine
Which rock group has four men who can't sing?
Mount Rushmore
Mount Rushmore
January 24, 2026 at 11:24 PM
Which rock group has four men who can't sing?
Mount Rushmore
Mount Rushmore
Why did the pie go to the dentist?
He needed a filling
He needed a filling
January 24, 2026 at 9:17 PM
Why did the pie go to the dentist?
He needed a filling
He needed a filling
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents
It was in tents
January 24, 2026 at 8:21 PM
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents
It was in tents
I once wrote a song about a burrito.
Actually it was more of a wrap
Actually it was more of a wrap
January 24, 2026 at 7:02 PM
I once wrote a song about a burrito.
Actually it was more of a wrap
Actually it was more of a wrap