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If nobody else got you, you know New Blood got you 🩸

My coworker: “How do you feel about Dave Chapelle?”
Me [mixing up Dave Chapelle and Mark David Chapman in my head]: “Oh, I’m a huge fan of his work”

My wife of twenty years: “You’ve been smiling to yourself all day; what’s on your mind?”
Me [still thinking about a character I invented last night called “The AAVE Joker”]: “Oh, just that I’m so lucky to know you.”

When you love someone, you should love all of them: all of their flaws and imperfections, and all of their strengths. So, no, I will not “stop doing the Trump voice when we’re visiting your mother in the hospital.”

Showing up to an Old West duel but I just do a quick draw and shoot myself in the head

Stepping outside for a mental health walk and getting torn in half when a runaway truck hits me, but feeling much better about my personal life as I bleed out on the pavement

“i uh, iuh, i-i-iuhnm starting a new government agency called bofa. whatislikeuh, what isah, what is bofa you ask? bof of um erm hrm ah, like, umhrm. like. you know. likeyouknow? likeyouknow? bofa these ahahrm humha ah, bof of ah, both of the uh, the uh, the uh, the uh, the uh, the uh, you know, ha”

Doing some important research rn

Me: “One day, these memories will be nostalgic, no matter how unpleasant the days are now. A beautiful thought, no?”

The woman I took on a seven hour hiking trip as a first date: [creeping up behind me and preparing to smash my skull in with a big rock] “I’m not so sure about that.”