Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
@tollytb.bsky.social
Bacon Buttie munching decrepid ex rugby player, older than pyramids planning application.Oval balls are harder to juggle.
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
I called my local cinema yesterday to ask what time Melania was showing.
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 6:25 AM
I called my local cinema yesterday to ask what time Melania was showing.
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
Fact:
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 7:22 AM
Fact:
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
I've been working on a dad joke about Pythagoras, but just can't seem to find the right angle, and I keep going off at a tangent.
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 8:07 AM
I've been working on a dad joke about Pythagoras, but just can't seem to find the right angle, and I keep going off at a tangent.
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
As I ran manically around my GP surgery yesterday, the doctor told me, "I believe you have too little stress in your life."
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
February 1, 2026 at 8:02 AM
As I ran manically around my GP surgery yesterday, the doctor told me, "I believe you have too little stress in your life."
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
My cat has been fitted with a prosthetic limb after an amputation.
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
February 1, 2026 at 8:19 AM
My cat has been fitted with a prosthetic limb after an amputation.
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
I've been offered a job at the broth factory.
It comes with stock options.
🐢💨
It comes with stock options.
🐢💨
February 1, 2026 at 12:09 PM
I've been offered a job at the broth factory.
It comes with stock options.
🐢💨
It comes with stock options.
🐢💨
My cat has been fitted with a prosthetic limb after an amputation.
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
February 1, 2026 at 8:19 AM
My cat has been fitted with a prosthetic limb after an amputation.
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
It's a faux paw.
🐢💨
As I ran manically around my GP surgery yesterday, the doctor told me, "I believe you have too little stress in your life."
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
February 1, 2026 at 8:02 AM
As I ran manically around my GP surgery yesterday, the doctor told me, "I believe you have too little stress in your life."
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
"Too little stress?"
"In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you have a tension deficit disorder."
🐢💨
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
I've been working on a dad joke about Pythagoras, but just can't seem to find the right angle, and I keep going off at a tangent.
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 8:07 AM
I've been working on a dad joke about Pythagoras, but just can't seem to find the right angle, and I keep going off at a tangent.
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
Best place for em🤣
🐢💨
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 7:41 AM
Best place for em🤣
🐢💨
🐢💨
Fact:
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 7:22 AM
Fact:
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
I called my local cinema yesterday to ask what time Melania was showing.
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 6:25 AM
I called my local cinema yesterday to ask what time Melania was showing.
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
"What time can you get here?"
🐢💨
There is definitely one Scottish town that sells extremely unintelligent chips.
Dumfries.
🐢💨
Dumfries.
🐢💨
January 30, 2026 at 4:00 PM
There is definitely one Scottish town that sells extremely unintelligent chips.
Dumfries.
🐢💨
Dumfries.
🐢💨
I've just broken my can opener.
It's now a can't opener.
🐢💨
It's now a can't opener.
🐢💨
January 30, 2026 at 12:59 PM
I've just broken my can opener.
It's now a can't opener.
🐢💨
It's now a can't opener.
🐢💨
My dad always used to say, "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own."
Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
🐢💨
Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
🐢💨
January 30, 2026 at 9:12 AM
My dad always used to say, "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own."
Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
🐢💨
Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
🐢💨
My doctor just told me that I'm going deaf.
That was very difficult to hear.
🐢💨
That was very difficult to hear.
🐢💨
January 30, 2026 at 8:59 AM
My doctor just told me that I'm going deaf.
That was very difficult to hear.
🐢💨
That was very difficult to hear.
🐢💨
I told my psychologist that I caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend.
"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
🐢💨
"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
🐢💨
January 30, 2026 at 8:44 AM
I told my psychologist that I caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend.
"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
🐢💨
"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
🐢💨
I find it almost impossible to play scrabble with my girlfriend and her friends.
I just can't get a word in.
🐢💨
I just can't get a word in.
🐢💨
January 29, 2026 at 7:58 PM
I find it almost impossible to play scrabble with my girlfriend and her friends.
I just can't get a word in.
🐢💨
I just can't get a word in.
🐢💨
I saw a Korean Martial arts master in town yesterday holding out a basket full of doughnuts for people to eat.
I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
🐢💨
I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
🐢💨
January 29, 2026 at 7:52 PM
I saw a Korean Martial arts master in town yesterday holding out a basket full of doughnuts for people to eat.
I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
🐢💨
I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
🐢💨
I remember the day I was the victim of a hit and run driver. The police came to the hospital to take a statement, and I told them it was my mother in law.
"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
🐢💨
"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
🐢💨
January 29, 2026 at 11:35 AM
I remember the day I was the victim of a hit and run driver. The police came to the hospital to take a statement, and I told them it was my mother in law.
"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
🐢💨
"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
🐢💨
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
Then it all ends in tears. 😂
July 4, 2025 at 9:07 PM
Then it all ends in tears. 😂
My girlfriend told me, "You snore constantly, it's preventing me sleeping properly."
"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
🐢💨
"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
🐢💨
January 29, 2026 at 9:47 AM
My girlfriend told me, "You snore constantly, it's preventing me sleeping properly."
"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
🐢💨
"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
🐢💨
My neighbour has proposed to his girlfriend, Steffi Graphite.
He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
🐢💨
He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
🐢💨
January 29, 2026 at 8:00 AM
My neighbour has proposed to his girlfriend, Steffi Graphite.
He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
🐢💨
He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
🐢💨