Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
@tollytb.bsky.social
Bacon Buttie munching decrepid ex rugby player, older than pyramids planning application.Oval balls are harder to juggle.
Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
I've been working on a dad joke about Pythagoras, but just can't seem to find the right angle, and I keep going off at a tangent.
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
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I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 8:07 AM
I've been working on a dad joke about Pythagoras, but just can't seem to find the right angle, and I keep going off at a tangent.
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
I'm hypotenusing here, but there's an acute possibility I may be too obtuse.
🐢💨
Best place for em🤣
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January 31, 2026 at 7:41 AM
Best place for em🤣
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Fact:
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
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It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
January 31, 2026 at 7:22 AM
Fact:
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
It's amazing how one autocorrect error in a text message can cause such serious relationship issues.
"Having a great time. I wish you were her."
🐢💨
I called my local cinema yesterday to ask what time Melania was showing.
"What time can you get here?"
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"What time can you get here?"
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January 31, 2026 at 6:25 AM
I called my local cinema yesterday to ask what time Melania was showing.
"What time can you get here?"
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"What time can you get here?"
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There is definitely one Scottish town that sells extremely unintelligent chips.
Dumfries.
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Dumfries.
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January 30, 2026 at 4:00 PM
There is definitely one Scottish town that sells extremely unintelligent chips.
Dumfries.
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Dumfries.
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I've just broken my can opener.
It's now a can't opener.
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It's now a can't opener.
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January 30, 2026 at 12:59 PM
I've just broken my can opener.
It's now a can't opener.
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It's now a can't opener.
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My dad always used to say, "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own."
Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
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Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
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January 30, 2026 at 9:12 AM
My dad always used to say, "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own."
Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
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Great father, terrible air traffic controller."
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My doctor just told me that I'm going deaf.
That was very difficult to hear.
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That was very difficult to hear.
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January 30, 2026 at 8:59 AM
My doctor just told me that I'm going deaf.
That was very difficult to hear.
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That was very difficult to hear.
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I told my psychologist that I caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend.
"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
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"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
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January 30, 2026 at 8:44 AM
I told my psychologist that I caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend.
"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
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"You bitter?"
"Yes, then I bit him too."
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I find it almost impossible to play scrabble with my girlfriend and her friends.
I just can't get a word in.
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I just can't get a word in.
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January 29, 2026 at 7:58 PM
I find it almost impossible to play scrabble with my girlfriend and her friends.
I just can't get a word in.
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I just can't get a word in.
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I saw a Korean Martial arts master in town yesterday holding out a basket full of doughnuts for people to eat.
I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
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I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
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January 29, 2026 at 7:52 PM
I saw a Korean Martial arts master in town yesterday holding out a basket full of doughnuts for people to eat.
I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
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I asked, "Can I take two?"
"No."
" Can I at least Taekwondo?"
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I remember the day I was the victim of a hit and run driver. The police came to the hospital to take a statement, and I told them it was my mother in law.
"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
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"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
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January 29, 2026 at 11:35 AM
I remember the day I was the victim of a hit and run driver. The police came to the hospital to take a statement, and I told them it was my mother in law.
"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
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"You were hit from behind, so how are you so certain it was your mother in law?"
"I recognised the evil laugh."
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Reposted by Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧
Then it all ends in tears. 😂
July 4, 2025 at 9:07 PM
Then it all ends in tears. 😂
My girlfriend told me, "You snore constantly, it's preventing me sleeping properly."
"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
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"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
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January 29, 2026 at 9:47 AM
My girlfriend told me, "You snore constantly, it's preventing me sleeping properly."
"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
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"I can't help it."
"You do know there's an app for that?"
"Is there really?"
"Yes, app nea."
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My neighbour has proposed to his girlfriend, Steffi Graphite.
He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
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He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
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January 29, 2026 at 8:00 AM
My neighbour has proposed to his girlfriend, Steffi Graphite.
He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
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He told me, "I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."
"Did you meet her through a carbon dating app?"
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My police officer neighbour was struggling to get his patrol car in reverse earlier.
He had to call for backup.
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He had to call for backup.
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January 29, 2026 at 7:34 AM
My police officer neighbour was struggling to get his patrol car in reverse earlier.
He had to call for backup.
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He had to call for backup.
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Two inert gases walk into a bar.
Nobody reacts. (Which I thought was noble of them)
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Nobody reacts. (Which I thought was noble of them)
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January 29, 2026 at 6:39 AM
Two inert gases walk into a bar.
Nobody reacts. (Which I thought was noble of them)
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Nobody reacts. (Which I thought was noble of them)
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I'd rather dive into a cesspit of faecal detritus with my mouth wide open than watch Melanoma.
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January 29, 2026 at 5:49 AM
I'd rather dive into a cesspit of faecal detritus with my mouth wide open than watch Melanoma.
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I'm not sure if this is a scam, but I've just received a text saying I've won £250 cash, or two tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.
It says, press 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.
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It says, press 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.
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January 28, 2026 at 3:24 PM
I'm not sure if this is a scam, but I've just received a text saying I've won £250 cash, or two tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.
It says, press 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.
🐢💨
It says, press 1 for the money, or 2 for the show.
🐢💨
I remember doing extremely well at school in a lesson about Marijuana and communism.
I got high Marx.
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I got high Marx.
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January 28, 2026 at 7:54 AM
I remember doing extremely well at school in a lesson about Marijuana and communism.
I got high Marx.
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I got high Marx.
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I'm considering starting a petition to turn the world off, and back on again, to see if it helps at all.
Who would sign?
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Who would sign?
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January 28, 2026 at 7:04 AM
I'm considering starting a petition to turn the world off, and back on again, to see if it helps at all.
Who would sign?
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Who would sign?
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Fun fact (maybe 🙄)
Beavers lead extremely sinful lives.
They're hoping for eternal damnation.
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Beavers lead extremely sinful lives.
They're hoping for eternal damnation.
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January 28, 2026 at 6:56 AM
Fun fact (maybe 🙄)
Beavers lead extremely sinful lives.
They're hoping for eternal damnation.
🐢💨
Beavers lead extremely sinful lives.
They're hoping for eternal damnation.
🐢💨
Not many deal only in chewed crayon scribbles.
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January 28, 2026 at 4:51 AM
Not many deal only in chewed crayon scribbles.
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