i have never “jerked off” i am a proud alpha male and i am in complete control of every single urge. i will sometimes tug on my penis until a gallon of sticky fluid erupts from it but only to balance my humors and reset my chakras i would never do something as filthy as “pleasuring myself”

someday we will have the technology to turn the plastic accumulating in each of our brains into a personalized McDonald’s happy meal toy but until then we must continue gathering

Assert dominance during a conversation by removing your glasses and licking them clean.

we’re not supposed to know about this many hot girls. there are too many. we were designed to know about 6 women our entire lives, marry one of the ones not related to you and kill a mammoth for her every couple days while she forages for berries. i can’t go on like this

claustrophobia is so stupid. let Santa get married.

serving both raw milk and pasteurized at thanksgiving this year and excommunicating anyone not doubled over in pain from the parasites in their guts willing to die on the toilet like a true patriot

my fav Disney Princess is the Italian chef who set out a candlelit meal for two dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed. dude was on the clock. he had an accordion. legendary.

“Skibidi rizz” I say solemnly. the crowd murmurs. I smash my fist on the podium. “And skibidi toilet.” The crowd cheers. With this I have secured the 48th presidency of these United States.

No one on their death bed ever said, "I wish I spent more timevat the office." Except my grandad who was fucking his secretary.