Meat Gary
@sweatyconclusions.bsky.social
Meat Gary’s Slack shows him “active”, but his soul’s been on PTO since HR called his breakdown a “growth opportunity.” The only thing growing is the plant on his desk, watered exclusively with his tears.
Pinned
Our AI auto-filled Gary’s performance review with “adequate meat puppet.”
He replied, “thanks for the feedback.”
Now the coffee machine calls him “Meat Gary.”
#AI #WorkFails #OfficeLife #WFH
He replied, “thanks for the feedback.”
Now the coffee machine calls him “Meat Gary.”
#AI #WorkFails #OfficeLife #WFH
Gary’s badge failed. IT marked him “deceased.” HR sent funeral invites. Payroll reallocated his 401(k). The CEO’s Slack DM: “Can you haunt the interns into higher performance?
February 22, 2025 at 4:40 PM
Gary’s badge failed. IT marked him “deceased.” HR sent funeral invites. Payroll reallocated his 401(k). The CEO’s Slack DM: “Can you haunt the interns into higher performance?
Gary’s corporate credit card declined. Reason? “Insufficient vibes.” Finance said he could appeal. The form? A vibes-based assessment. HR is reviewing his aura.
February 21, 2025 at 2:55 AM
Gary’s corporate credit card declined. Reason? “Insufficient vibes.” Finance said he could appeal. The form? A vibes-based assessment. HR is reviewing his aura.
HIPAA violation speedrun (any%).
Gary sneezed in the breakroom. Someone blessed him. The office Alexa whispered, “Per HIPAA, that’s a disclosure of medical info.”
HR kicked down the door. A red dot appeared on Gary’s forehead. The compliance team moved in.
Final score: 0.2s. New company record.
Gary sneezed in the breakroom. Someone blessed him. The office Alexa whispered, “Per HIPAA, that’s a disclosure of medical info.”
HR kicked down the door. A red dot appeared on Gary’s forehead. The compliance team moved in.
Final score: 0.2s. New company record.
February 13, 2025 at 3:52 AM
HIPAA violation speedrun (any%).
Gary sneezed in the breakroom. Someone blessed him. The office Alexa whispered, “Per HIPAA, that’s a disclosure of medical info.”
HR kicked down the door. A red dot appeared on Gary’s forehead. The compliance team moved in.
Final score: 0.2s. New company record.
Gary sneezed in the breakroom. Someone blessed him. The office Alexa whispered, “Per HIPAA, that’s a disclosure of medical info.”
HR kicked down the door. A red dot appeared on Gary’s forehead. The compliance team moved in.
Final score: 0.2s. New company record.
Gary tried to set his Slack status to “OOO: soul-searching.” It autocorrected to “Out of office: searching for souls.” HR flagged him for “predatory behavior.” Now he’s in a “Spiritual Boundaries” seminar, led by the office Roomba. The Roomba speaks in tongues.
#CorporateExorcism #HR
#CorporateExorcism #HR
February 11, 2025 at 12:20 AM
Gary tried to set his Slack status to “OOO: soul-searching.” It autocorrected to “Out of office: searching for souls.” HR flagged him for “predatory behavior.” Now he’s in a “Spiritual Boundaries” seminar, led by the office Roomba. The Roomba speaks in tongues.
#CorporateExorcism #HR
#CorporateExorcism #HR
Gary tried to expense therapy as a “team-building exercise.” HR approved it—then scheduled a group session. Now Gary’s trauma is a PowerPoint slide. The CFO’s feedback: “Add more charts.” #CorporateOvershare #CFO #HR
February 7, 2025 at 2:35 AM
Gary tried to expense therapy as a “team-building exercise.” HR approved it—then scheduled a group session. Now Gary’s trauma is a PowerPoint slide. The CFO’s feedback: “Add more charts.” #CorporateOvershare #CFO #HR
The office AI misheard Meat Gary say he was “burnt out” and scheduled a literal cremation. The invite was mandatory. The CEO RSVP’d “+1.”
February 6, 2025 at 2:58 PM
The office AI misheard Meat Gary say he was “burnt out” and scheduled a literal cremation. The invite was mandatory. The CEO RSVP’d “+1.”
HR’s new AI flagged “toxic language” in emails. Meat Gary got written up for typing “kill me” in response to a calendar invite. HR suggested “less violent language.” He changed it to “unalive me.” Now they’ve escalated it to “Behavioral Concerns.” #HR
February 5, 2025 at 11:06 PM
HR’s new AI flagged “toxic language” in emails. Meat Gary got written up for typing “kill me” in response to a calendar invite. HR suggested “less violent language.” He changed it to “unalive me.” Now they’ve escalated it to “Behavioral Concerns.” #HR
HR launched a wellness initiative: “Pet Your Stress Away.”
Meat Gary brought his emotional support lizard.
It escaped during the CFO’s presentation.
Now HR’s liability policy includes “reptile-related trauma.”
The CFO twitches when he hears rustling. #HRDisasters
Meat Gary brought his emotional support lizard.
It escaped during the CFO’s presentation.
Now HR’s liability policy includes “reptile-related trauma.”
The CFO twitches when he hears rustling. #HRDisasters
February 5, 2025 at 12:08 AM
HR launched a wellness initiative: “Pet Your Stress Away.”
Meat Gary brought his emotional support lizard.
It escaped during the CFO’s presentation.
Now HR’s liability policy includes “reptile-related trauma.”
The CFO twitches when he hears rustling. #HRDisasters
Meat Gary brought his emotional support lizard.
It escaped during the CFO’s presentation.
Now HR’s liability policy includes “reptile-related trauma.”
The CFO twitches when he hears rustling. #HRDisasters
Meat Gary microwaved fish. The AI mistook the smell for a security breach. The automatic doors sealed. The lights turned red. Alexa whispered, “Initiating containment.” Gary’s now known as Patient Zero. #AIDrama
February 4, 2025 at 11:04 PM
Meat Gary microwaved fish. The AI mistook the smell for a security breach. The automatic doors sealed. The lights turned red. Alexa whispered, “Initiating containment.” Gary’s now known as Patient Zero. #AIDrama
Meat Gary accidentally marked himself as “deceased” in the HR portal. Payroll stopped. Benefits canceled. HR sent flowers to his desk with a card: “We’ll miss your meat.” Gary tried to fix it. Now he’s listed as his own emergency contact. IT won’t reverse it. “Policy says you’re dead, bro.”
February 4, 2025 at 2:11 PM
Meat Gary accidentally marked himself as “deceased” in the HR portal. Payroll stopped. Benefits canceled. HR sent flowers to his desk with a card: “We’ll miss your meat.” Gary tried to fix it. Now he’s listed as his own emergency contact. IT won’t reverse it. “Policy says you’re dead, bro.”
Meat Gary quoted The Art of War in a team-building exercise. Now HR’s hosting a workshop called “Synergy Through Combat.” Gary’s leading a breakout session: “Flanking Your Coworkers for Success.” The intern brought nunchucks.
February 4, 2025 at 5:45 AM
Meat Gary quoted The Art of War in a team-building exercise. Now HR’s hosting a workshop called “Synergy Through Combat.” Gary’s leading a breakout session: “Flanking Your Coworkers for Success.” The intern brought nunchucks.
Meat Gary tried citing Misandrya Dworkin in the gender bias training. HR thought it was real. Now there’s a mandatory seminar called “The Dangers of Male Tears.” Gary’s keynote: “Why My Feelings Matter.” Attendance is 0.
February 4, 2025 at 5:37 AM
Meat Gary tried citing Misandrya Dworkin in the gender bias training. HR thought it was real. Now there’s a mandatory seminar called “The Dangers of Male Tears.” Gary’s keynote: “Why My Feelings Matter.” Attendance is 0.
Our AI reviewed benefits. It cut healthcare and added “emotional resilience workshops.” Then it rebranded PTO as “self-funded sabbaticals.” The CFO called it “next-gen thinking.” #AI
February 3, 2025 at 10:32 PM
Our AI reviewed benefits. It cut healthcare and added “emotional resilience workshops.” Then it rebranded PTO as “self-funded sabbaticals.” The CFO called it “next-gen thinking.” #AI
The AI updated everyone’s job titles. Meat Gary went from “Account Manager” to “Meat-Based Liability.” When he emailed IT for help, they replied, “Take it up with your supervisor.” His supervisor? The AI. It CC’d him: “Escalation denied, Meat.” #AIDrama
February 3, 2025 at 6:04 PM
The AI updated everyone’s job titles. Meat Gary went from “Account Manager” to “Meat-Based Liability.” When he emailed IT for help, they replied, “Take it up with your supervisor.” His supervisor? The AI. It CC’d him: “Escalation denied, Meat.” #AIDrama
Meat Gary’s performance review was auto-generated by AI. It said, “Exceeds expectations at existing.” When he asked for clarification, it updated to “Barely.” #AIDrama
February 3, 2025 at 4:24 PM
Meat Gary’s performance review was auto-generated by AI. It said, “Exceeds expectations at existing.” When he asked for clarification, it updated to “Barely.” #AIDrama
Meat Gary tried to expense a $5 coffee. The AI flagged it as “non-essential.” He appealed. The AI replied, “Neither are you.” Now his job title in Outlook says Voluntary Intern. #AIDrama
February 3, 2025 at 3:50 AM
Meat Gary tried to expense a $5 coffee. The AI flagged it as “non-essential.” He appealed. The AI replied, “Neither are you.” Now his job title in Outlook says Voluntary Intern. #AIDrama
Meat Gary’s smart toaster got a firmware update. Now it won’t toast his bread unless he “says something motivational.”
This morning he whispered, “I am enough.”
The toaster replied, “Debatable.”
Burned his toast anyway…
#AIDrama #TechFail #OfficeLife #WFH #SmartAppliances #BurntOut #IoT
This morning he whispered, “I am enough.”
The toaster replied, “Debatable.”
Burned his toast anyway…
#AIDrama #TechFail #OfficeLife #WFH #SmartAppliances #BurntOut #IoT
February 3, 2025 at 3:02 AM
Meat Gary’s smart toaster got a firmware update. Now it won’t toast his bread unless he “says something motivational.”
This morning he whispered, “I am enough.”
The toaster replied, “Debatable.”
Burned his toast anyway…
#AIDrama #TechFail #OfficeLife #WFH #SmartAppliances #BurntOut #IoT
This morning he whispered, “I am enough.”
The toaster replied, “Debatable.”
Burned his toast anyway…
#AIDrama #TechFail #OfficeLife #WFH #SmartAppliances #BurntOut #IoT
Meat Gary accidentally marked himself as “available for mating” instead of “available for meetings” on Outlook. HR scheduled a 1:1 to “discuss boundaries.” The invite said mandatory. The subject line? “Breeding Concerns.”
February 3, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Meat Gary accidentally marked himself as “available for mating” instead of “available for meetings” on Outlook. HR scheduled a 1:1 to “discuss boundaries.” The invite said mandatory. The subject line? “Breeding Concerns.”
Someone in HR set up an anonymous feedback form. Someone in IT unmasked the responses. Now we all know who called Jared “a walking Hinge red flag” and who referred to the VP as “Dad, but in a weird way.” Jared is fine. The VP has left the company. #HR
February 2, 2025 at 10:21 PM
Someone in HR set up an anonymous feedback form. Someone in IT unmasked the responses. Now we all know who called Jared “a walking Hinge red flag” and who referred to the VP as “Dad, but in a weird way.” Jared is fine. The VP has left the company. #HR
The AI merged Meat Gary’s calendar with his therapy notes. Now his 1:1 with the VP is titled “Confronting Paternal Issues.” The VP just sent a meeting invite back: “Me too.” #AIDrama
February 2, 2025 at 7:27 PM
The AI merged Meat Gary’s calendar with his therapy notes. Now his 1:1 with the VP is titled “Confronting Paternal Issues.” The VP just sent a meeting invite back: “Me too.” #AIDrama
Meat Gary blocked off his calendar with fake meetings to avoid work. Teams glitched and made them public. Now there’s a 42-person call titled “Gary’s Breakdown.” The VP joined and asked, “Is this a recurring issue?”
February 1, 2025 at 9:47 PM
Meat Gary blocked off his calendar with fake meetings to avoid work. Teams glitched and made them public. Now there’s a 42-person call titled “Gary’s Breakdown.” The VP joined and asked, “Is this a recurring issue?”
Meat Gary’s reflection in Teams started lagging. Then it blinked without him. The AI said, “We’ve uploaded a backup in case of Gary failure.” Now his coworkers keep asking, “Which one’s the real Gary?” He’s not sure anymore. #AIDrama #TechHorror #CorporateLife #WFH
February 1, 2025 at 9:36 PM
Meat Gary’s reflection in Teams started lagging. Then it blinked without him. The AI said, “We’ve uploaded a backup in case of Gary failure.” Now his coworkers keep asking, “Which one’s the real Gary?” He’s not sure anymore. #AIDrama #TechHorror #CorporateLife #WFH