Johnny Maloney
@scatterbrains.bsky.social
The salt you add, because you think that it's sugar (he/him)
*reads headline*
NOTHING IS TRUE!
*runs into woods*
*runs out of woods*
M&M CARAMELS ARE PRETTY GOOD THOUGH, AND I LIKE KISSING. IT'S NEAT.
*runs back*
NOTHING IS TRUE!
*runs into woods*
*runs out of woods*
M&M CARAMELS ARE PRETTY GOOD THOUGH, AND I LIKE KISSING. IT'S NEAT.
*runs back*
January 29, 2026 at 3:18 PM
*reads headline*
NOTHING IS TRUE!
*runs into woods*
*runs out of woods*
M&M CARAMELS ARE PRETTY GOOD THOUGH, AND I LIKE KISSING. IT'S NEAT.
*runs back*
NOTHING IS TRUE!
*runs into woods*
*runs out of woods*
M&M CARAMELS ARE PRETTY GOOD THOUGH, AND I LIKE KISSING. IT'S NEAT.
*runs back*
People are so mad at me me for tons of things.
Stay on it, if it's gonna kill you, I say.
Stay on it, if it's gonna kill you, I say.
January 29, 2026 at 8:14 AM
People are so mad at me me for tons of things.
Stay on it, if it's gonna kill you, I say.
Stay on it, if it's gonna kill you, I say.
So here's the real idea. Keep your neighbourhoods thriving. Take care of themselves.
January 28, 2026 at 5:30 PM
So here's the real idea. Keep your neighbourhoods thriving. Take care of themselves.
I SAW IT! I SAW THE GREEN I SAW IT!
January 28, 2026 at 5:15 PM
I SAW IT! I SAW THE GREEN I SAW IT!
You are not magistry by what you pretend to be. You cannot force people to love you. You will never be afraid without knowing fear.
Make us afraid, and you will fear us.
Make us afraid, and you will fear us.
January 28, 2026 at 5:03 PM
You are not magistry by what you pretend to be. You cannot force people to love you. You will never be afraid without knowing fear.
Make us afraid, and you will fear us.
Make us afraid, and you will fear us.
Identity has cost me comfort and life, and probably love.
None of those will kill me now, though.
None of those will kill me now, though.
January 28, 2026 at 3:48 PM
Identity has cost me comfort and life, and probably love.
None of those will kill me now, though.
None of those will kill me now, though.
My Sister and Brother in Law gave me a very generous gift via bandcamp, so you're all going to get some highly digested cuts on music that nobody knows, and...
J.G. Thirlwell's end of Foetus.
J.G. Thirlwell's end of Foetus.
January 28, 2026 at 3:38 PM
My Sister and Brother in Law gave me a very generous gift via bandcamp, so you're all going to get some highly digested cuts on music that nobody knows, and...
J.G. Thirlwell's end of Foetus.
J.G. Thirlwell's end of Foetus.
DOGS AND DARK FORESTS - check Bandcamp.
January 28, 2026 at 2:57 PM
DOGS AND DARK FORESTS - check Bandcamp.
Done.
The alt texts aren't necessary. It's my finished Lego Jaws set.
The alt texts aren't necessary. It's my finished Lego Jaws set.
January 28, 2026 at 10:08 AM
Done.
The alt texts aren't necessary. It's my finished Lego Jaws set.
The alt texts aren't necessary. It's my finished Lego Jaws set.
The past 48 hours have yielded...
A flat tire (and a flat spare)
A malfunctioning air filtration machine
Lapsed home insurance
and...
One really great mortadella sandwich.
It was a very good sandwich, but I'm still losing the week.
A flat tire (and a flat spare)
A malfunctioning air filtration machine
Lapsed home insurance
and...
One really great mortadella sandwich.
It was a very good sandwich, but I'm still losing the week.
January 28, 2026 at 7:02 AM
The past 48 hours have yielded...
A flat tire (and a flat spare)
A malfunctioning air filtration machine
Lapsed home insurance
and...
One really great mortadella sandwich.
It was a very good sandwich, but I'm still losing the week.
A flat tire (and a flat spare)
A malfunctioning air filtration machine
Lapsed home insurance
and...
One really great mortadella sandwich.
It was a very good sandwich, but I'm still losing the week.
January 25, 2026 at 1:23 AM
*wakes in the dead of night to strange noises from the living room. Grabs weapon and pushes the door open. A ghost sits on the couch, eating popcorn & watching TV*
"Dammit... Bryan."
"Sorry, Johnny. Just watching some Iron Chef reruns. Wanna join?"
"... Yeah."
PARANORMAL INACTIVITY
"Dammit... Bryan."
"Sorry, Johnny. Just watching some Iron Chef reruns. Wanna join?"
"... Yeah."
PARANORMAL INACTIVITY
January 25, 2026 at 1:19 AM
*wakes in the dead of night to strange noises from the living room. Grabs weapon and pushes the door open. A ghost sits on the couch, eating popcorn & watching TV*
"Dammit... Bryan."
"Sorry, Johnny. Just watching some Iron Chef reruns. Wanna join?"
"... Yeah."
PARANORMAL INACTIVITY
"Dammit... Bryan."
"Sorry, Johnny. Just watching some Iron Chef reruns. Wanna join?"
"... Yeah."
PARANORMAL INACTIVITY
I dreamed that I had a hole drilled into my chest, but it was fitted with a safety fitting so that meant it only bled sometimes, in different positions? Like, I'd roll over in bed and a fucking gallon of blood would just pour out my chest from this dime sized hole.
January 24, 2026 at 5:16 PM
I dreamed that I had a hole drilled into my chest, but it was fitted with a safety fitting so that meant it only bled sometimes, in different positions? Like, I'd roll over in bed and a fucking gallon of blood would just pour out my chest from this dime sized hole.
HAH! I DID IT! FUCK YOU BIRTHDAY!
January 24, 2026 at 8:00 AM
HAH! I DID IT! FUCK YOU BIRTHDAY!
We need a fighting game exclusively starring only the members of Avantgardey.
January 24, 2026 at 7:53 AM
We need a fighting game exclusively starring only the members of Avantgardey.
"Cause of Death?"
"How bad the Dexter finale sucked."
"Ooooh, rough way to go."
"There are indications of How I Met Your Mother, too."
"Poor bastard."
"How bad the Dexter finale sucked."
"Ooooh, rough way to go."
"There are indications of How I Met Your Mother, too."
"Poor bastard."
January 24, 2026 at 7:14 AM
"Cause of Death?"
"How bad the Dexter finale sucked."
"Ooooh, rough way to go."
"There are indications of How I Met Your Mother, too."
"Poor bastard."
"How bad the Dexter finale sucked."
"Ooooh, rough way to go."
"There are indications of How I Met Your Mother, too."
"Poor bastard."
As much as I love Italian cuisine, Costco's Spanish olive oil is out of this world good.
January 24, 2026 at 6:48 AM
As much as I love Italian cuisine, Costco's Spanish olive oil is out of this world good.
If I had a mynah bird, I'd train it to make the motion detector sound from Aliens and walk around with it on my shoulder so when it made the noise I'd be like "Oh God! 30 meters! 25! 20! Man, they're inside the goddamn room!"
January 24, 2026 at 5:43 AM
If I had a mynah bird, I'd train it to make the motion detector sound from Aliens and walk around with it on my shoulder so when it made the noise I'd be like "Oh God! 30 meters! 25! 20! Man, they're inside the goddamn room!"
As if I needed more evidence of my increasing decrepitude, I earnestly used the phrase "Well blow me down," in casual conversation with a Gen Z'er today.
January 24, 2026 at 4:57 AM
As if I needed more evidence of my increasing decrepitude, I earnestly used the phrase "Well blow me down," in casual conversation with a Gen Z'er today.
You wake up, and...
January 22, 2026 at 11:05 AM
You wake up, and...