Sammy Petersen
@sammypetersen.bsky.social
Comedy man. Podcaster. Third thing.
Sometimes I’ll stand up with no destination, like a Sims character whose player just walked away.
February 5, 2026 at 10:27 PM
Sometimes I’ll stand up with no destination, like a Sims character whose player just walked away.
I love how “I’ll do it later” is just optimism with zero follow-up and a very strong belief in a version of me that absolutely does not exist.
February 5, 2026 at 1:06 PM
I love how “I’ll do it later” is just optimism with zero follow-up and a very strong belief in a version of me that absolutely does not exist.
There’s always one person in a group chat whose entire personality is “hasn’t replied yet” and now we’re all just staring at the typing bubbles like it’s live sport.
February 4, 2026 at 12:27 AM
There’s always one person in a group chat whose entire personality is “hasn’t replied yet” and now we’re all just staring at the typing bubbles like it’s live sport.
People who say “I’m not a morning person” like it’s a personality trait.
Baby doll, no one’s a morning person. Some of us are just better at pretending for money.
Baby doll, no one’s a morning person. Some of us are just better at pretending for money.
February 1, 2026 at 10:39 PM
People who say “I’m not a morning person” like it’s a personality trait.
Baby doll, no one’s a morning person. Some of us are just better at pretending for money.
Baby doll, no one’s a morning person. Some of us are just better at pretending for money.
Sunday night feels like the moment at a party when you spot your Uber pulling up and suddenly remember every bad decision you’ve ever made.
February 1, 2026 at 11:03 AM
Sunday night feels like the moment at a party when you spot your Uber pulling up and suddenly remember every bad decision you’ve ever made.
The volume jump between TV dialogue and ads feels like a personal attack.
February 1, 2026 at 3:11 AM
The volume jump between TV dialogue and ads feels like a personal attack.
My favourite celebrity doctor of all time? Easy. Dr. Seuss
January 31, 2026 at 6:21 AM
My favourite celebrity doctor of all time? Easy. Dr. Seuss
Today has big “I didn’t do anything wrong but I still feel like I should apologise” energy.
January 30, 2026 at 2:29 AM
Today has big “I didn’t do anything wrong but I still feel like I should apologise” energy.
Being an adult is just basically Googling things like “is it normal to feel pain after sitting.”
January 29, 2026 at 7:53 AM
Being an adult is just basically Googling things like “is it normal to feel pain after sitting.”
My comedy special is out now if you’d like to watch or share it or whatever makes you happy.
youtu.be/Q1NQeMtKYU8
youtu.be/Q1NQeMtKYU8
January 28, 2026 at 8:04 AM
My comedy special is out now if you’d like to watch or share it or whatever makes you happy.
youtu.be/Q1NQeMtKYU8
youtu.be/Q1NQeMtKYU8
It’s so hot in Melbourne today it’s the only time I l’ve ever wanted someone to actually say “four seasons in one day.”
January 27, 2026 at 2:56 AM
It’s so hot in Melbourne today it’s the only time I l’ve ever wanted someone to actually say “four seasons in one day.”
Nothing humbles you faster than opening the front camera by accident.
January 26, 2026 at 6:09 AM
Nothing humbles you faster than opening the front camera by accident.
Everyone has a “ride or die” until the ride involves helping you move or the die involves being slightly inconvenienced.
January 24, 2026 at 10:46 PM
Everyone has a “ride or die” until the ride involves helping you move or the die involves being slightly inconvenienced.
It’s so hot that my phone just autocorrected “going outside” to “absolutely not.”
January 24, 2026 at 1:43 AM
It’s so hot that my phone just autocorrected “going outside” to “absolutely not.”
I love going to Madame Tussaud’s because it’s the rare opportunity to meet celebrities who are finally as uncomfortable as I am in photos.
January 23, 2026 at 10:44 AM
I love going to Madame Tussaud’s because it’s the rare opportunity to meet celebrities who are finally as uncomfortable as I am in photos.
I don’t run late. Time just misunderstands my vibe.
January 23, 2026 at 1:09 AM
I don’t run late. Time just misunderstands my vibe.
My personality is just things I’ve overheard other people say confidently.
January 22, 2026 at 11:38 AM
My personality is just things I’ve overheard other people say confidently.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, at least take my Apple Watch with you to get the steps up.
January 21, 2026 at 11:02 PM
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, at least take my Apple Watch with you to get the steps up.
‘Only the good die young’ is a lovely thing to say and also a backhanded compliment to really old people.
January 21, 2026 at 10:10 AM
‘Only the good die young’ is a lovely thing to say and also a backhanded compliment to really old people.
Every plan I make depends heavily on the version of me that no longer exists.
January 21, 2026 at 12:45 AM
Every plan I make depends heavily on the version of me that no longer exists.
Smells like up-I-love-you in here
January 20, 2026 at 8:17 AM
Smells like up-I-love-you in here
I say “interesting” when I mean “this has ruined my day.”
January 20, 2026 at 4:27 AM
I say “interesting” when I mean “this has ruined my day.”
I love how “running errands” is just paying money in different locations.
January 19, 2026 at 9:15 AM
I love how “running errands” is just paying money in different locations.
Going ‘no contact’ with myself.
January 18, 2026 at 10:32 AM
Going ‘no contact’ with myself.
Hello consequences of my own actions. I didn't expect to see you here.
January 18, 2026 at 6:27 AM
Hello consequences of my own actions. I didn't expect to see you here.