Sam Allen
@samallenn.bsky.social
human (mostly)
comedian (barely)
comedian (barely)
Pinned
Sam Allen
@samallenn.bsky.social
· Apr 13
miss when the news was all,
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
Completely reverses decades of scientific “eat shit and die” insults
September 19, 2025 at 12:40 AM
Completely reverses decades of scientific “eat shit and die” insults
Not to be outdone, man, 36, has foot implanted in ass to teach lesson
September 17, 2025 at 7:50 PM
Not to be outdone, man, 36, has foot implanted in ass to teach lesson
‘George!? Who the hell is George?’ - me 300 pages into a book about George Washington
September 15, 2025 at 4:59 AM
‘George!? Who the hell is George?’ - me 300 pages into a book about George Washington
“omg this is great news!!!” - someone from five years ago
September 3, 2025 at 8:29 PM
“omg this is great news!!!” - someone from five years ago
A new survey says that 75% of parents with multiple children have a favorite child—and the other 25%, well they’re GODDAMN LIARS!
August 25, 2025 at 6:08 AM
A new survey says that 75% of parents with multiple children have a favorite child—and the other 25%, well they’re GODDAMN LIARS!
Do homeless people get imposter syndrome?
August 1, 2025 at 3:59 PM
Do homeless people get imposter syndrome?
I love walking through spiderwebs because it makes me feel like an explorer
July 28, 2025 at 10:35 PM
I love walking through spiderwebs because it makes me feel like an explorer
A society grows great when old people plant mountains whose fruit they shall never sit in
July 21, 2025 at 7:15 PM
A society grows great when old people plant mountains whose fruit they shall never sit in
everyone wants to know what's in big beautiful bill, but nobody asks 'how is big beautiful bill?'
July 10, 2025 at 4:58 AM
everyone wants to know what's in big beautiful bill, but nobody asks 'how is big beautiful bill?'
everyone’s a partial nudist
June 1, 2025 at 12:30 AM
everyone’s a partial nudist
it’s easy to tell the truth when you don’t know anything
May 23, 2025 at 7:49 PM
it’s easy to tell the truth when you don’t know anything
that awkward moment when you realize your favorite Weezer song is actually by Wheatus
May 17, 2025 at 6:01 AM
that awkward moment when you realize your favorite Weezer song is actually by Wheatus
about 100 days ago Trump swore to protect and defend the constitution, but now he says he doesn’t know if he has to— kinda like walking into a room and forgetting why you came in, but for like, the presidency
May 12, 2025 at 3:54 PM
about 100 days ago Trump swore to protect and defend the constitution, but now he says he doesn’t know if he has to— kinda like walking into a room and forgetting why you came in, but for like, the presidency
“I was catfished by an actual catfish” - some worm probably
May 12, 2025 at 6:55 AM
“I was catfished by an actual catfish” - some worm probably
listening to music makes me feel like i have friends
May 2, 2025 at 5:27 AM
listening to music makes me feel like i have friends
shout out to Conclave for spoiling real life
April 26, 2025 at 9:32 PM
shout out to Conclave for spoiling real life
if you’ve never been bullied, you’ve never had autism
April 24, 2025 at 1:53 AM
if you’ve never been bullied, you’ve never had autism
how I tell people I met my girlfriend:
me: hey!
her: ho!
both: let's go!
me: hey!
her: ho!
both: let's go!
April 19, 2025 at 5:20 AM
how I tell people I met my girlfriend:
me: hey!
her: ho!
both: let's go!
me: hey!
her: ho!
both: let's go!
“how about this time we buy a van and we DON'T take out the back seat. We always need a back seat and we never have one.” - overheard at a Third Eye Blind concert
April 16, 2025 at 5:03 AM
“how about this time we buy a van and we DON'T take out the back seat. We always need a back seat and we never have one.” - overheard at a Third Eye Blind concert
miss when the news was all,
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
April 13, 2025 at 7:44 PM
miss when the news was all,
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'
say what you want about his politics, but his work-life balance is unmatched
April 11, 2025 at 5:35 AM
say what you want about his politics, but his work-life balance is unmatched
this candle lights your apartment on fire every morning at 4am to get you out of bed
April 8, 2025 at 5:03 AM
this candle lights your apartment on fire every morning at 4am to get you out of bed
riffs in order of my favorite to least favorite:
1. mid
2. raff
3. she
4. ta
5. dand
1. mid
2. raff
3. she
4. ta
5. dand
April 5, 2025 at 5:44 AM
riffs in order of my favorite to least favorite:
1. mid
2. raff
3. she
4. ta
5. dand
1. mid
2. raff
3. she
4. ta
5. dand
Earlier this week US Senator Cory Booker filibustered for more than 25 hours, breaking the record for the longest meaningless gesture.
April 4, 2025 at 9:53 PM
Earlier this week US Senator Cory Booker filibustered for more than 25 hours, breaking the record for the longest meaningless gesture.
The new tariffs could make the Nintendo Switch 2 $600 dollars more—which is a shame because I was just about to move out of my parent's basement.
April 4, 2025 at 3:51 PM
The new tariffs could make the Nintendo Switch 2 $600 dollars more—which is a shame because I was just about to move out of my parent's basement.