Ryan Wolin
@ryanwolin.bsky.social
Writing for people at the intersection of Harry Potter and professional wrestling.
www.ryanwolin.com/humor
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/authors/ryan-wolin
www.ryanwolin.com/humor
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/authors/ryan-wolin
Pinned
Ryan Wolin
@ryanwolin.bsky.social
· Feb 17
I Vow to Fight Autocracy with Unprecedented Levels of Finger Wagging
“Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader in the Senate, has reportedly been criticized by some of the party’s state governors for not resisting Donald...
www.mcsweeneys.net
“Desperate times call for incremental measures.”
My piece in @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
My piece in @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
Reposted by Ryan Wolin
My latest humor piece…
“At ICE, I’ve found a brotherhood of like-minded and like-bodied people — a small unit of small units. And we’re taking the country back… one and a half inches at a time.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
“At ICE, I’ve found a brotherhood of like-minded and like-bodied people — a small unit of small units. And we’re taking the country back… one and a half inches at a time.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
Me Joining ICE Has Nothing To Do With My Tiny Penis
Enough is enough. I’m tired of everyone assuming I’m lashing out at the world just because I’m hung like a mailbox key. Do I have a…
medium.com
December 29, 2025 at 6:28 PM
My latest humor piece…
“At ICE, I’ve found a brotherhood of like-minded and like-bodied people — a small unit of small units. And we’re taking the country back… one and a half inches at a time.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
“At ICE, I’ve found a brotherhood of like-minded and like-bodied people — a small unit of small units. And we’re taking the country back… one and a half inches at a time.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
A humor piece inspired by my favorite movie…
“Prison walls couldn’t contain my father. The same could not be said for the prison sewage system.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
“Prison walls couldn’t contain my father. The same could not be said for the prison sewage system.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
My Dad Tried A Shawshank Redemption-Like Prison Escape But Drowned In The Shit Pipe
“Son, your dad died last night in a prison escape.” the warden said.
medium.com
December 28, 2025 at 7:14 PM
A humor piece inspired by my favorite movie…
“Prison walls couldn’t contain my father. The same could not be said for the prison sewage system.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
“Prison walls couldn’t contain my father. The same could not be said for the prison sewage system.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
Ever wondered why Mike Johnson is always oblivious to the latest Trump scandals?
I wrote about it.
medium.com/@ryanwolin/i...
I wrote about it.
medium.com/@ryanwolin/i...
I, Mike Johnson, Am Too Busy Monitoring My Son’s Masturbation To Follow The News
What’s that? How do I feel about the latest Trump scandal? Boy, I wish I was familiar enough with the story to comment. Unfortunately, I’ve…
medium.com
December 27, 2025 at 10:46 PM
Ever wondered why Mike Johnson is always oblivious to the latest Trump scandals?
I wrote about it.
medium.com/@ryanwolin/i...
I wrote about it.
medium.com/@ryanwolin/i...
I wrote this as a TIMELY submission for @mcsweeneys.net
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
I Vow to Fight Autocracy with Unprecedented Levels of Finger Wagging
“Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader in the Senate, has reportedly been criticized by some of the party’s state governors for not resisting Donald...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 7:18 AM
I wrote this as a TIMELY submission for @mcsweeneys.net
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
Check out my @mcsweeneys.net interview for their Behind The Tendency Classics series.
It has shoutouts to @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social, Sam Woods (Bluesky whereabouts unknown) & @mikedrucker.bsky.social, whose great work served as a cheat sheet—I mean—inspiration.
www.patreon.com/posts/behind...
It has shoutouts to @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social, Sam Woods (Bluesky whereabouts unknown) & @mikedrucker.bsky.social, whose great work served as a cheat sheet—I mean—inspiration.
www.patreon.com/posts/behind...
Behind the Tendency Classics: Ryan Wolin's "Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy" | McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Get more from McSweeney's Internet Tendency on Patreon
www.patreon.com
April 10, 2025 at 6:25 PM
Check out my @mcsweeneys.net interview for their Behind The Tendency Classics series.
It has shoutouts to @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social, Sam Woods (Bluesky whereabouts unknown) & @mikedrucker.bsky.social, whose great work served as a cheat sheet—I mean—inspiration.
www.patreon.com/posts/behind...
It has shoutouts to @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social, Sam Woods (Bluesky whereabouts unknown) & @mikedrucker.bsky.social, whose great work served as a cheat sheet—I mean—inspiration.
www.patreon.com/posts/behind...
"Yes, there’s danger in opening our gates to this statue. But there’s also danger in keeping it out… the danger of eroding the sanctity of the gift-giving process."
Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding f...
www.mcsweeneys.net
March 26, 2025 at 8:49 PM
Reposted by Ryan Wolin
"Yes, there’s danger in opening our gates to this statue. But there’s also danger in keeping it out… the danger of eroding the sanctity of the gift-giving process."
Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding f...
www.mcsweeneys.net
March 22, 2025 at 12:30 PM
"Yes, there’s danger in opening our gates to this statue. But there’s also danger in keeping it out… the danger of eroding the sanctity of the gift-giving process."
Reposted by Ryan Wolin
You know who's actually meeting this moment well?
McSweeney's. They've been on absolute fire.
McSweeney's. They've been on absolute fire.
"Our party must act swiftly. There’s no time for hesitation. Or delay. Or dawdling. Or dragging our feet. Or indecision. Or dilly-dallying. Or stalling. Or hemming and hawing. Or equivocation. Or grandstanding. Or mincing words. Or slow-walking. Or procrastinating."
I Vow to Fight Autocracy with Unprecedented Levels of Finger Wagging
“Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader in the Senate, has reportedly been criticized by some of the party’s state governors for not resisting Donald...
buff.ly
February 12, 2025 at 2:31 AM
You know who's actually meeting this moment well?
McSweeney's. They've been on absolute fire.
McSweeney's. They've been on absolute fire.
“Desperate times call for incremental measures.”
My piece in @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
My piece in @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
I Vow to Fight Autocracy with Unprecedented Levels of Finger Wagging
“Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader in the Senate, has reportedly been criticized by some of the party’s state governors for not resisting Donald...
www.mcsweeneys.net
February 17, 2025 at 6:27 PM
“Desperate times call for incremental measures.”
My piece in @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
My piece in @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
My McSweeney’s post on the Top 12 post-birth abortion methods. Come for Baby Plinko, stay for the Mobile of Daggers.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/twe...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/twe...
Twelve Post-Birth Abortion Methods
“In Tuesday’s presidential debate, former President Donald Trump again falsely claimed that Democrats support abortions ‘after birth’ and ‘executin...
www.mcsweeneys.net
February 11, 2025 at 9:50 PM
My McSweeney’s post on the Top 12 post-birth abortion methods. Come for Baby Plinko, stay for the Mobile of Daggers.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/twe...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/twe...
My humor piece on Oklahoma’s awful, new, right-wing curriculum…
“If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
“If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
Math Problems from Oklahoma’s New Conservative Curriculum
If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?
medium.com
February 10, 2025 at 7:47 PM
My humor piece on Oklahoma’s awful, new, right-wing curriculum…
“If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
“If your new immigrant neighbor breaks a different Commandment every 4 days, what’s the longest he could go before coveting your wife?”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/m...
My final humor piece on the election…
“This country needs new ideas, even if all the ideas are about stabbing. The status quo isn’t working, I want the stabus quo.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/t...
“This country needs new ideas, even if all the ideas are about stabbing. The status quo isn’t working, I want the stabus quo.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/t...
The Candidate Vlad the Impaler Ran Against Was a Little Too ‘Establishment’ for Me
Look, I’m tired of conventional politicians and their mealy-mouthed blabber. Vlad has clear policy goals: To stab. And that’s an agenda I…
medium.com
November 26, 2024 at 6:59 PM
My final humor piece on the election…
“This country needs new ideas, even if all the ideas are about stabbing. The status quo isn’t working, I want the stabus quo.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/t...
“This country needs new ideas, even if all the ideas are about stabbing. The status quo isn’t working, I want the stabus quo.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/t...
“When I watch the movie Tremors, why do I identify with the worms!?”
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-e...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-e...
I, Elon Musk, Will Pay Forty-Seven Dollars to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me
“Musk’s Super PAC Offers $47 to Those Who Help It Find Trump Voters”
— New York Times, 10/7/24
- - -Please help. My brain is like the Cybertruck n...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 15, 2024 at 10:07 PM
“When I watch the movie Tremors, why do I identify with the worms!?”
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-e...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-e...
“Offenders will be executed and have their heads placed on pikes (7-irons) as a warning to others.”
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
Why Yes, This Human Internment Camp Did Used to Be a Topgolf
Greetings human! Welcome to the internment camp operated by your robot overlords. Congratulations on not being sent to the beheading farm—you have ...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 15, 2024 at 10:06 PM
“Offenders will be executed and have their heads placed on pikes (7-irons) as a warning to others.”
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
“EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed all mentions of The Baconator after learning God received financial compensation from Wendy’s for each one.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/g...
medium.com/@ryanwolin/g...
God’s Column for NewYorkTimes.com
EDITOR’S NOTE: God has graciously agreed to write a monthly column for NYT. We’re thrilled to provide a forum for Our Lord to share His…
medium.com
November 15, 2024 at 10:00 PM
“EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve removed all mentions of The Baconator after learning God received financial compensation from Wendy’s for each one.”
medium.com/@ryanwolin/g...
medium.com/@ryanwolin/g...