Just remembering that time I was lying in bed with my ex and he pointed out my increasing heart rate, and I had to tell him it was because I was thinking about Frosted Flakes.

We’re not hard enough on these birds

Lovely visit with my parents tonight. They put on an Australian dating show without closed captioning, so when the contestants started joking about sex toys and laughing, guess who got to repeat those lines when my dad paused it every 10 seconds, demanding to hear what was so funny? 💀💀💀

Can a headline alone be eligible for a Pulitzer?

Can Canadians please build a bat signal that just says "Charlie Angus" across it?

Lying awake at 1:25am because this is my first year hosting the family Christmas dinner and I'm already fucking furious at every person involved. My mom hasn't done anything but is acting very smug like "NOW you see how you're all shit stains"

My mother just mocked me for crying at A Muppet Christmas Carol, despite her never having seen it. I look forward to putting it on at her house and watching her with intensely focussed, unblinking eyes through all the Tiny Tim shit

Still hunting for the perfect gift for that person in your life who has everything, including a cold baby and deep appreciation for a variety of meats? Then today's your lucky day

Tonight I had a conversation with one of my favourite artists about a possible mentorship-type thing next year. No big deal. Staying calm. Managing expectations.

*whispers* eeeeeeeeeeeeeee