The dark thoughts told me not to bother going to my therapy appointment today. My mother begged me to get out of bed repeatedly but I just stayed there. Eventually, she said “Fuck it, fuck it... I give up,” and stormed out crying...

The mask helps at first, but it always breaks eventually.

I woke up today feeling "okay" for no apparent reason. I could think pragmatically about my future for the first time in ages. I can't explain it, but I suppose there's a glimmer of hope in there somewhere.

Pye, Dahy, Indi, Virgil, Sebby... They were all right. I’m SICK. I’m a loser and a failure. I don’t deserve any second chances. Nothing will ever get better. Neither drugs nor therapy can fix someone this broken.

The voice in my head tells me that everyone wants me to shut up and die already. I've been told this is not normal, but the evidence is quite compelling.

I tried so fucking hard to be a good person. I failed. I don't understand where it all went wrong. I don't understand how people work. I just know that they hate me and want me dead.

A friend told me that I need to "learn to heal." I think this their polite way of saying "go and be someone else's problem." Sorry to say, I've had clinical depression for nearly 20 years and nobody's managed to help me with that. No medication, nor therapy, has even come close.

People sometimes ask me what my fitness routine is.
It's pretty simple, really.
Fighting off thoughts of depression and suicide every day burns a LOT of calories.

To the half-dozen people who still care about me and have wondered where I've been, I've written an excruciatingly detailed journal about all the miserable things that happened in 2024. Don't expect to see much of me in 2025 either.

www.deviantart.com/restrainedra...

To the half-dozen people who still care about me and have wondered where I've been, I've written an excruciatingly detailed journal about all the miserable things that happened in 2024. Don't expect to see much of me in 2025 either.

www.deviantart.com/restrainedra...

10 months later and I'm still trying to appeal my unjustified ban from FurAffinity.

All I've ever gotten from them is a canned response and all subsequent requests have been ignored, despite forwarding them to multiple staff members. Does anyone know any FA staff personally?