I am combining grief (hard to get up in the morning) with getting a new, really comfy bed (hard to get up in the morning), so that was maybe not great. 👍 But at least my back seems happy and I hope it helps with sleep. Grieving is tiring work.

My dear darling Friken. You have given me so much joy, laughter and meaning the last 9.5 years. When you told me you had reached your limit, I knew it was my job to listen. You are not in pain anymore, for that I am glad. Your departure created a void and so much grief. Sleep well, best boy ❤️

We're having a delightful amount of snow. Used my skis to get to the stable today, and was able to ski from door to door on the way home. There's something wonderful about this proper winter weather - it may be a bit intense, but there's something calming about it too. I just want to be outside.

2024 was a challenging year. But here are some good things.
- Read 73 books.
- Had good therapy and made a monumental effort there.
- Nature, walks, rides, mountain hike and cabin holiday.
- Learned a lot.
- Despite ongoing uncertainty, horse survived the year.
- I survived.

As a person from the cold north who likes being outdoors, I feel I should have some natural cold resistance, but I do not. 🥶 But new warming socks may be changing my life! I wore them yesterday to the barn, and I didn't get annoyingly cold. Who'da thunk. I shall be unsufferable with my heated toes 😌

Something was off with one of the porridge ingredients, and he did not hesitate to tell me.

This is an absolutely lovely group that has meant and means a lot to me. ❤️ It's peer-led, compassionate and willing to hold space for heavy things. And for a group that talks about wanting to not be alive, there's lots of humour! If you need support this Christmas, try us out?

There is no shame in struggling. There's no shame in having to revisit old wounds. There's no shame in having a rough patch. There's no shame about having mixed feelings about recovery--or continuing to live.

We meet it all w/ compassion & patience-- & we work our recovery.

Got home from inpatient treatment stay last night. It's been an intense two weeks. But good therapy and good people. Facing the world again is scary after how bad things got this autumn. I hope the things I've learned and experienced in therapy have settled in me. Time will show.

Dissociation can make us feel nothing.

But it doesn’t mean we’re secretly dreadful or don’t care about anyone or anything.

We’re just offline for a while, waiting until it’s safer to reboot.

In April, to honour @traumaphdandme.bsky.social s memory, I set up the UK's first peer support group using the Alternatives the Suicide model to facilitate honest, confidential conversations about suicide. Since then, we've held space
/1

First day at inpatient therapy is more or less done. Some things are similar to last time, some different. Some new faces, mostly familiar ones.
I feel welcomed and ready to start work tomorrow. It's frightening and overwhelming to face darkness, fear and pain, but it's the only way through.

3 good things
- Books arrived at doorstep this morning.
- Biking in wintery conditions! It was delightful with new winter tyres.
- Flat is tidy and nice and I'm mostly packed for tomorrow's journey. Feel nervous but ready and prepared.