What is a gurgle burble and why do you kind of instantly feel like you know what that is and why does that knowledge involve imminent diarrhea???

"No one has escaped Alcatraz. Except Clint Eastwood."

-The Current President of the United States

Ever have one of those days where it's like, okay universe, there were nicer ways to tell me you didn't want me to leave the house...

I hate it when people threaten to come over. Now I’ve got to do 2 yrs of housework in 30 minutes

I don't have resting b*tch face. I don't even have resting nice face. I have resting "Oh YES PLEASE DO tell me about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ/your multi-level marketing scheme/that it burns when you pee/the problems with your marriage" face.

When debating the merits of vegetables, my husband was disparaging lettuce, green peppers, and celery as "crunchy nothing" and I indignantly responded, "Well I am CLEARLY a fan of crunchy nothing!"

In the course of conversation I used the words "your wife, flailing on the right hand side" and MY HUSBAND laughs and goes "Haha name of your biography" and it was so accurate I spontaneously combusted...

After clearly and rationally disagreeing with the latest batshit-bonkers stream-of-consciousness hilarious statement my husband has made, he shouted the following:

"Baby! BAY-BAY! Please shush! I am TRYING. TO GASLIGHT YOU!!" *huffs*

*laughs while hyperventilating* CLASSIC COMEDY!!! *single tear* Good stuff...

Honestly? It ruins my day a little bit every time I encounter toilet roll that's been placed in the "under" position. Like, I'll move on, but I still think about it for roughly 5 minutes after I've left the bathroom.

Why would anything ever advertise itself as "UP TO 100% leak-free"? Like, yeah, I guess, but technically so is my collander, so what are you saying, exactly?

What, you actually want a list? *breathes out heavily through nose in disgust*

I'm having a "run the washing machine twice because I forgot to take out the laundry last night" kind of day, thanks for asking.