J. R. Eldridge
@misreadbible.bsky.social
British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye.
https://www.misreadbible.com
https://www.misreadbible.com
Pinned
J. R. Eldridge
@misreadbible.bsky.social
· Sep 30
The MisreadBible Book Series
Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.
www.misreadbible.com
If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).
The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua
www.misreadbible.com/books
The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua
www.misreadbible.com/books
The next day John saw Jesus coming towards him and said, ‘Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!’
Jesus replied, ‘Hey, look! That bloke who likes dunking people in water!’ – John 1:29
Jesus replied, ‘Hey, look! That bloke who likes dunking people in water!’ – John 1:29
January 16, 2026 at 1:30 AM
The next day John saw Jesus coming towards him and said, ‘Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!’
Jesus replied, ‘Hey, look! That bloke who likes dunking people in water!’ – John 1:29
Jesus replied, ‘Hey, look! That bloke who likes dunking people in water!’ – John 1:29
There once was a man called John, who came to bring people light; he was a lamp salesman. - John 1:6
January 16, 2026 at 1:00 AM
There once was a man called John, who came to bring people light; he was a lamp salesman. - John 1:6
If any of you lack wisdom, turn to God; it’s better than thinking for yourself. - John 1:5
January 16, 2026 at 12:30 AM
If any of you lack wisdom, turn to God; it’s better than thinking for yourself. - John 1:5
Through him all things were made, for he was a carpenter. - John 1:3
January 16, 2026 at 12:00 AM
Through him all things were made, for he was a carpenter. - John 1:3
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘bird’, and everybody heard that the bird was the Word. - John 1:1
January 15, 2026 at 11:30 PM
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘bird’, and everybody heard that the bird was the Word. - John 1:1
On Father's Day, Jesus prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me.’
‘I’m sorry, son,’ replied God, ‘but that cup is shit. I don’t want it.’
‘But I made it for you!’
‘What are you doing making me pottery anyway? You’re a fucking carpenter!’ - Luke 22:42
‘I’m sorry, son,’ replied God, ‘but that cup is shit. I don’t want it.’
‘But I made it for you!’
‘What are you doing making me pottery anyway? You’re a fucking carpenter!’ - Luke 22:42
January 15, 2026 at 11:00 PM
On Father's Day, Jesus prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me.’
‘I’m sorry, son,’ replied God, ‘but that cup is shit. I don’t want it.’
‘But I made it for you!’
‘What are you doing making me pottery anyway? You’re a fucking carpenter!’ - Luke 22:42
‘I’m sorry, son,’ replied God, ‘but that cup is shit. I don’t want it.’
‘But I made it for you!’
‘What are you doing making me pottery anyway? You’re a fucking carpenter!’ - Luke 22:42
Then Satan waited until Judas wasn’t paying attention, and he slipped inside him right in front of everyone. ‘I’ve told you not to do that!’ objected Judas. - Luke 22:3
January 15, 2026 at 10:30 PM
Then Satan waited until Judas wasn’t paying attention, and he slipped inside him right in front of everyone. ‘I’ve told you not to do that!’ objected Judas. - Luke 22:3
Jesus said, ‘I tell you, on that night, two men will be in one bed; one of them has to take it, and God will be furious. Then two women will be grinding together, but on that day, I will be watching from the bushes!’ - Luke 17:34-35
January 15, 2026 at 10:00 PM
Jesus said, ‘I tell you, on that night, two men will be in one bed; one of them has to take it, and God will be furious. Then two women will be grinding together, but on that day, I will be watching from the bushes!’ - Luke 17:34-35
Jesus said, ‘Suppose one of you has a servant ploughing or looking after the sheep...’
‘Wait!’ gasped Thomas, spitting out his drink. ‘Ploughing the sheep?’ - Luke 17:7
‘Wait!’ gasped Thomas, spitting out his drink. ‘Ploughing the sheep?’ - Luke 17:7
January 15, 2026 at 9:30 PM
Jesus said, ‘Suppose one of you has a servant ploughing or looking after the sheep...’
‘Wait!’ gasped Thomas, spitting out his drink. ‘Ploughing the sheep?’ - Luke 17:7
‘Wait!’ gasped Thomas, spitting out his drink. ‘Ploughing the sheep?’ - Luke 17:7
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, tell them they’re going to Hell. Even if it’s in the middle of Christmas dinner and it makes the whole meal awkward. – Luke 17:3
January 15, 2026 at 9:00 PM
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, tell them they’re going to Hell. Even if it’s in the middle of Christmas dinner and it makes the whole meal awkward. – Luke 17:3
Some Pharisees told Jesus, ‘Herod wants to kill you!’
He replied, ‘Go and tell that fox, I’ll keep driving demons out until I reach my goal of 50 in one week. I’m trying to set a record.’
‘Wait, you think Herod is a fox?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t say no to him.’ - Luke 13:31-32
He replied, ‘Go and tell that fox, I’ll keep driving demons out until I reach my goal of 50 in one week. I’m trying to set a record.’
‘Wait, you think Herod is a fox?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t say no to him.’ - Luke 13:31-32
January 14, 2026 at 1:30 AM
Some Pharisees told Jesus, ‘Herod wants to kill you!’
He replied, ‘Go and tell that fox, I’ll keep driving demons out until I reach my goal of 50 in one week. I’m trying to set a record.’
‘Wait, you think Herod is a fox?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t say no to him.’ - Luke 13:31-32
He replied, ‘Go and tell that fox, I’ll keep driving demons out until I reach my goal of 50 in one week. I’m trying to set a record.’
‘Wait, you think Herod is a fox?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t say no to him.’ - Luke 13:31-32
Jesus said, ‘There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth when you see Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.’
‘Why?’ asked the crowd.
‘Because they’re so freakishly ugly, the very sight of them is agonising!’ – Luke 13:28
‘Why?’ asked the crowd.
‘Because they’re so freakishly ugly, the very sight of them is agonising!’ – Luke 13:28
January 14, 2026 at 1:00 AM
Jesus said, ‘There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth when you see Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.’
‘Why?’ asked the crowd.
‘Because they’re so freakishly ugly, the very sight of them is agonising!’ – Luke 13:28
‘Why?’ asked the crowd.
‘Because they’re so freakishly ugly, the very sight of them is agonising!’ – Luke 13:28
One Sabbath, Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and there was a woman who'd been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. Every time her legs healed, the demon would come and break them with a tyre iron. - Luke 13:11
January 14, 2026 at 12:30 AM
One Sabbath, Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and there was a woman who'd been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. Every time her legs healed, the demon would come and break them with a tyre iron. - Luke 13:11
The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. He thought to himself, ‘I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain.’
But God said to him, ‘You fool! How dare you plan for the future! I’ll kill you!’ - Luke 12:16-20
But God said to him, ‘You fool! How dare you plan for the future! I’ll kill you!’ - Luke 12:16-20
January 14, 2026 at 12:00 AM
The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. He thought to himself, ‘I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain.’
But God said to him, ‘You fool! How dare you plan for the future! I’ll kill you!’ - Luke 12:16-20
But God said to him, ‘You fool! How dare you plan for the future! I’ll kill you!’ - Luke 12:16-20
Then Jesus said to them, ‘Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, “Friend, lend me three loaves of bread.” Won't he reply, “I'm not your friend, buddy”?’ - Luke 11:5
January 13, 2026 at 11:30 PM
Then Jesus said to them, ‘Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, “Friend, lend me three loaves of bread.” Won't he reply, “I'm not your friend, buddy”?’ - Luke 11:5
‘I hadn’t started yet!’ spat Jesus. ‘I just had a wedgie!’ - Luke 11:1-2
January 13, 2026 at 11:00 PM
‘I hadn’t started yet!’ spat Jesus. ‘I just had a wedgie!’ - Luke 11:1-2
One of Jesus’s disciples said to him, ‘Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.’
He said to them, ‘This is how you should pray.’ Then he pulled his underwear out of his crack and shifted his weight from side to side.
His disciples copied.
He said to them, ‘This is how you should pray.’ Then he pulled his underwear out of his crack and shifted his weight from side to side.
His disciples copied.
January 13, 2026 at 11:00 PM
One of Jesus’s disciples said to him, ‘Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.’
He said to them, ‘This is how you should pray.’ Then he pulled his underwear out of his crack and shifted his weight from side to side.
His disciples copied.
He said to them, ‘This is how you should pray.’ Then he pulled his underwear out of his crack and shifted his weight from side to side.
His disciples copied.
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. He ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. - Luke 10:25
January 13, 2026 at 10:30 PM
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. He ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. - Luke 10:25
At that, Jesus rejoiced exclaiming, ‘Thanks, Dad, for making your teachings unappealing to the wise, but attractive to the gullible, it makes starting up this cult so much easier!’ - Luke 10:21
January 13, 2026 at 10:00 PM
At that, Jesus rejoiced exclaiming, ‘Thanks, Dad, for making your teachings unappealing to the wise, but attractive to the gullible, it makes starting up this cult so much easier!’ - Luke 10:21
He said to another man, ‘Follow me.’
But he replied, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’
‘Screw him!’ yelled Jesus. ‘Let the dead bury themselves!’
The man walked away crying. - Luke 9:59-60
But he replied, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’
‘Screw him!’ yelled Jesus. ‘Let the dead bury themselves!’
The man walked away crying. - Luke 9:59-60
January 13, 2026 at 9:30 PM
He said to another man, ‘Follow me.’
But he replied, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’
‘Screw him!’ yelled Jesus. ‘Let the dead bury themselves!’
The man walked away crying. - Luke 9:59-60
But he replied, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’
‘Screw him!’ yelled Jesus. ‘Let the dead bury themselves!’
The man walked away crying. - Luke 9:59-60
A man in the crowd called out, ‘Rabbi, I beg you to look at my son, for he is only a child.’
Jesus examined the boy and said, ‘Yes, you’re correct, he is a child,’ and walked off. - Luke 9:38
Jesus examined the boy and said, ‘Yes, you’re correct, he is a child,’ and walked off. - Luke 9:38
January 13, 2026 at 9:00 PM
A man in the crowd called out, ‘Rabbi, I beg you to look at my son, for he is only a child.’
Jesus examined the boy and said, ‘Yes, you’re correct, he is a child,’ and walked off. - Luke 9:38
Jesus examined the boy and said, ‘Yes, you’re correct, he is a child,’ and walked off. - Luke 9:38
And they said, ‘We only have five loaves and two fish, we can’t feed everyone,’ for there were 5,000 men.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Make them sit down in groups of 50.’
Then he took the loaves and the fish and ate them. Then he walked away smirking. - Luke 9:13-16
Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Make them sit down in groups of 50.’
Then he took the loaves and the fish and ate them. Then he walked away smirking. - Luke 9:13-16
January 13, 2026 at 2:30 AM
And they said, ‘We only have five loaves and two fish, we can’t feed everyone,’ for there were 5,000 men.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Make them sit down in groups of 50.’
Then he took the loaves and the fish and ate them. Then he walked away smirking. - Luke 9:13-16
Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Make them sit down in groups of 50.’
Then he took the loaves and the fish and ate them. Then he walked away smirking. - Luke 9:13-16
Jesus told the Twelve: ‘Take nothing for the journey – no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Mooch off the locals. Whatever house you enter, stay there even when they ask you to leave. If people do not welcome you, shake your fist and swear at them.’ - Luke 9:3-5
January 13, 2026 at 2:00 AM
Jesus told the Twelve: ‘Take nothing for the journey – no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt. Mooch off the locals. Whatever house you enter, stay there even when they ask you to leave. If people do not welcome you, shake your fist and swear at them.’ - Luke 9:3-5
When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases. He also gave them all special rings, that, when brought together, allowed them to transform into the ultra-mega-zord. - Luke 9:1
January 13, 2026 at 1:30 AM
When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases. He also gave them all special rings, that, when brought together, allowed them to transform into the ultra-mega-zord. - Luke 9:1
As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. ‘Who touched me?’ Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.’
But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know because I came a little.’ - Luke 8:42-46
When they all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.’
But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know because I came a little.’ - Luke 8:42-46
January 13, 2026 at 1:00 AM
As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. ‘Who touched me?’ Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.’
But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know because I came a little.’ - Luke 8:42-46
When they all denied it, Peter said, ‘Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.’
But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know because I came a little.’ - Luke 8:42-46