J. R. Eldridge
@misreadbible.bsky.social
British satirical author and creator of The MisreadBible series, which parodies the Bible with irreverent wit and a dash of theological side-eye.
https://www.misreadbible.com
https://www.misreadbible.com
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J. R. Eldridge
@misreadbible.bsky.social
· Sep 30
The MisreadBible Book Series
Explore The MisreadBible series — a collection of irreverent biblical parodies by J. R. Eldridge. Discover each book’s blasphemous brilliance, formats, and where to buy.
www.misreadbible.com
If you've been enjoying my posts, you'll love my books. Available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook (*).
The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua
www.misreadbible.com/books
The MisreadBible: Genesis*
A MisreadBible Christmas*
The MisreadBible: Book of Moses*
The MisreadBible: Gospel
The MisreadBible: Joshua
www.misreadbible.com/books
Happy Spanksgiving to those of you who give spanks this time of year!
November 28, 2025 at 2:03 AM
Happy Spanksgiving to those of you who give spanks this time of year!
I summoned the priests, so that the nobles and official could swear an oath. I was shaking out the folds of my robe when my penis flopped out. At this the whole assembly got on their knees and cried, ‘Amen,’ and praised the Lord. - Nehemiah 5:13
November 28, 2025 at 1:30 AM
I summoned the priests, so that the nobles and official could swear an oath. I was shaking out the folds of my robe when my penis flopped out. At this the whole assembly got on their knees and cried, ‘Amen,’ and praised the Lord. - Nehemiah 5:13
After three days in Jerusalem, I went for a night out with my friends. I was so drunk by the end of the night that, when there were no donkeys to ride on, I jumped on my friend Derek’s back and rode him down the street. I think he enjoyed it more than I did! – Nehemiah 2:11-12
November 28, 2025 at 1:00 AM
After three days in Jerusalem, I went for a night out with my friends. I was so drunk by the end of the night that, when there were no donkeys to ride on, I jumped on my friend Derek’s back and rode him down the street. I think he enjoyed it more than I did! – Nehemiah 2:11-12
The king said, ‘What do you want?’
I answered, ‘If it pleases the king, I want to go to the city in Judah and rebuild it.’
‘Of course, it pleases the king!’ he cheered. ‘I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid of you ever since you got here!’ – Nehemiah 2:4-6
I answered, ‘If it pleases the king, I want to go to the city in Judah and rebuild it.’
‘Of course, it pleases the king!’ he cheered. ‘I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid of you ever since you got here!’ – Nehemiah 2:4-6
November 28, 2025 at 12:30 AM
The king said, ‘What do you want?’
I answered, ‘If it pleases the king, I want to go to the city in Judah and rebuild it.’
‘Of course, it pleases the king!’ he cheered. ‘I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid of you ever since you got here!’ – Nehemiah 2:4-6
I answered, ‘If it pleases the king, I want to go to the city in Judah and rebuild it.’
‘Of course, it pleases the king!’ he cheered. ‘I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid of you ever since you got here!’ – Nehemiah 2:4-6
The king asked me, ‘Why do you look so sad? Are you ill or something?’
I sobbed, ‘My whole family was killed in a terrible accident. I had to identify their bodies. There was blood everywhere!’
The king was silent and then said, ‘Yeah, but you’re not hurt…’ – Nehemiah 2:2
I sobbed, ‘My whole family was killed in a terrible accident. I had to identify their bodies. There was blood everywhere!’
The king was silent and then said, ‘Yeah, but you’re not hurt…’ – Nehemiah 2:2
November 28, 2025 at 12:00 AM
The king asked me, ‘Why do you look so sad? Are you ill or something?’
I sobbed, ‘My whole family was killed in a terrible accident. I had to identify their bodies. There was blood everywhere!’
The king was silent and then said, ‘Yeah, but you’re not hurt…’ – Nehemiah 2:2
I sobbed, ‘My whole family was killed in a terrible accident. I had to identify their bodies. There was blood everywhere!’
The king was silent and then said, ‘Yeah, but you’re not hurt…’ – Nehemiah 2:2
They said to me, ‘The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire!’
‘Well, obviously!’ I retorted. ‘What else are they going to burn it with? Fucking porridge?’ – Nehemiah 1:3
‘Well, obviously!’ I retorted. ‘What else are they going to burn it with? Fucking porridge?’ – Nehemiah 1:3
November 27, 2025 at 11:30 PM
They said to me, ‘The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire!’
‘Well, obviously!’ I retorted. ‘What else are they going to burn it with? Fucking porridge?’ – Nehemiah 1:3
‘Well, obviously!’ I retorted. ‘What else are they going to burn it with? Fucking porridge?’ – Nehemiah 1:3
Station yourselves around the king, each of you with your weapon in hand. Anyone who approaches you is to be put to death… by bukkake! – 2 Kings 11:8
November 27, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Station yourselves around the king, each of you with your weapon in hand. Anyone who approaches you is to be put to death… by bukkake! – 2 Kings 11:8
In those days, the Lord began to reduce the size of Israel by applying an icepack to it, for it was engorged! – 2 Kings 10:32
November 27, 2025 at 10:30 PM
In those days, the Lord began to reduce the size of Israel by applying an icepack to it, for it was engorged! – 2 Kings 10:32
Jehu ordered the officers to kill all of the Baal worshippers, destroy their temple, and use the place where it once stood as a toilet.
The Lord watched, tenting his fingers as he smirked, ‘Good, good.’ – 2 Kings 10:25-30
The Lord watched, tenting his fingers as he smirked, ‘Good, good.’ – 2 Kings 10:25-30
November 27, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Jehu ordered the officers to kill all of the Baal worshippers, destroy their temple, and use the place where it once stood as a toilet.
The Lord watched, tenting his fingers as he smirked, ‘Good, good.’ – 2 Kings 10:25-30
The Lord watched, tenting his fingers as he smirked, ‘Good, good.’ – 2 Kings 10:25-30
Then Jehu brought all the people together and said to them, ‘Ahab worshipped little balls, but I worship massive balls. Let’s bring our balls together and party!’ – 2 Kings 10:18-19
November 27, 2025 at 9:30 PM
Then Jehu brought all the people together and said to them, ‘Ahab worshipped little balls, but I worship massive balls. Let’s bring our balls together and party!’ – 2 Kings 10:18-19
Jehu met Jehonadab the son of Rechab, coming to meet him; and he greeted him and said to him, ‘Is your heart for me, as my heart is for you?’
And Jehonadab answered, ‘It is.’
‘Then give me your hand.’
So, he gave him his hand, and they rode off into the sunset. – 2 Kings 10:15
And Jehonadab answered, ‘It is.’
‘Then give me your hand.’
So, he gave him his hand, and they rode off into the sunset. – 2 Kings 10:15
November 27, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Jehu met Jehonadab the son of Rechab, coming to meet him; and he greeted him and said to him, ‘Is your heart for me, as my heart is for you?’
And Jehonadab answered, ‘It is.’
‘Then give me your hand.’
So, he gave him his hand, and they rode off into the sunset. – 2 Kings 10:15
And Jehonadab answered, ‘It is.’
‘Then give me your hand.’
So, he gave him his hand, and they rode off into the sunset. – 2 Kings 10:15
Reposted by J. R. Eldridge
No, this ruling isn’t ‘secular indoctrination’ — it’s human rights | Andrew Copson via @humanists.uk humanists.uk/2025/11/27/n... #HumanRights #religion
No, this ruling isn’t ‘secular indoctrination’ — it’s human rights | Andrew Copson
The Supreme Court’s landmark ruling on Religious Education and collective worship in Northern Ireland has understandably ruffled feathers among those accustomed to the privileges of Christianity in pu...
humanists.uk
November 27, 2025 at 4:47 PM
No, this ruling isn’t ‘secular indoctrination’ — it’s human rights | Andrew Copson via @humanists.uk humanists.uk/2025/11/27/n... #HumanRights #religion
The Samaritans beheaded seventy princes, put their heads in baskets, and sent them to Jehu.
When the couriers arrived in Jezreel, they brought in the baskets, and announced, ‘A gift from the Samaritans.’
‘Shit!’ griped Jehu. ‘All I got them was a fruit basket…’ – 2 Kings 10:7
When the couriers arrived in Jezreel, they brought in the baskets, and announced, ‘A gift from the Samaritans.’
‘Shit!’ griped Jehu. ‘All I got them was a fruit basket…’ – 2 Kings 10:7
November 26, 2025 at 1:30 AM
The Samaritans beheaded seventy princes, put their heads in baskets, and sent them to Jehu.
When the couriers arrived in Jezreel, they brought in the baskets, and announced, ‘A gift from the Samaritans.’
‘Shit!’ griped Jehu. ‘All I got them was a fruit basket…’ – 2 Kings 10:7
When the couriers arrived in Jezreel, they brought in the baskets, and announced, ‘A gift from the Samaritans.’
‘Shit!’ griped Jehu. ‘All I got them was a fruit basket…’ – 2 Kings 10:7
Jehu wrote letters and sent them to the officials of Jezreel. When they arrived, they took the princes and massacred all seventy of them. Just then, the messenger came running up and declared, ‘I misread the note. It says to get mascara for the princess.’ – 2 Kings 10:1-7
November 26, 2025 at 1:00 AM
Jehu wrote letters and sent them to the officials of Jezreel. When they arrived, they took the princes and massacred all seventy of them. Just then, the messenger came running up and declared, ‘I misread the note. It says to get mascara for the princess.’ – 2 Kings 10:1-7
When Jezebel heard Jehu was coming, she put on makeup, arranged her hair, and watched for him from the upstairs window. As he entered the gate, she cried, ‘Cooee!’
Jehu looked up and smiled. Then he called to her eunuch butlers, ‘Bring that hot mama down to me.’
Jehu looked up and smiled. Then he called to her eunuch butlers, ‘Bring that hot mama down to me.’
November 26, 2025 at 12:30 AM
When Jezebel heard Jehu was coming, she put on makeup, arranged her hair, and watched for him from the upstairs window. As he entered the gate, she cried, ‘Cooee!’
Jehu looked up and smiled. Then he called to her eunuch butlers, ‘Bring that hot mama down to me.’
Jehu looked up and smiled. Then he called to her eunuch butlers, ‘Bring that hot mama down to me.’
When Ahaziah king of Judah saw what had happened, he fled up the road to Beth Haggan. Jehu chased him, shouting, ‘Kill him too!’
They wounded him right in his chariot, which, as you can imagine, hurt like a mother! – 2 Kings 9:27
They wounded him right in his chariot, which, as you can imagine, hurt like a mother! – 2 Kings 9:27
November 26, 2025 at 12:00 AM
When Ahaziah king of Judah saw what had happened, he fled up the road to Beth Haggan. Jehu chased him, shouting, ‘Kill him too!’
They wounded him right in his chariot, which, as you can imagine, hurt like a mother! – 2 Kings 9:27
They wounded him right in his chariot, which, as you can imagine, hurt like a mother! – 2 Kings 9:27
So the king sent out a second horseman. When he arrived at the camp, he said to them, ‘I’m sorry I’m so late. The traffic out there is terrible. Jehu son of Nimshi crashed his sports car again, and there was a pile up. That guy drives like a maniac!’ - 2 Kings 9:20
November 25, 2025 at 11:30 PM
So the king sent out a second horseman. When he arrived at the camp, he said to them, ‘I’m sorry I’m so late. The traffic out there is terrible. Jehu son of Nimshi crashed his sports car again, and there was a pile up. That guy drives like a maniac!’ - 2 Kings 9:20
Elisha told him, ‘Take this flask and pour the oil on the head of Jehu son of Jehoshaphat and declare, “Take this you bastard!” Then open the door and run like hell! If he catches you, he’ll beat the shit outta you!’ – 2 Kings 9:3
November 25, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Elisha told him, ‘Take this flask and pour the oil on the head of Jehu son of Jehoshaphat and declare, “Take this you bastard!” Then open the door and run like hell! If he catches you, he’ll beat the shit outta you!’ – 2 Kings 9:3
Elisha summoned a man from the company of the prophets and said to him, ‘Take off your trousers, tuck your cloak into your belt, and take this flask of olive oil to Ramoth Gilead. You’re going to earn money dancing on tables! Oh, and you can leave your hat on.’ – 2 Kings 9:1
November 25, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Elisha summoned a man from the company of the prophets and said to him, ‘Take off your trousers, tuck your cloak into your belt, and take this flask of olive oil to Ramoth Gilead. You’re going to earn money dancing on tables! Oh, and you can leave your hat on.’ – 2 Kings 9:1
So Jehoram went to Zair with all his chariots. The Edomites surrounded him, but his army fled back home. Needless to say, by the time they got through with him, he was so full of arrows that he looked like a giant squished hedgehog. – 2 Kings 8:21-22
November 25, 2025 at 10:00 PM
So Jehoram went to Zair with all his chariots. The Edomites surrounded him, but his army fled back home. Needless to say, by the time they got through with him, he was so full of arrows that he looked like a giant squished hedgehog. – 2 Kings 8:21-22
The next day, Hazael took a thick cloth, soaked it in water and spread it over the king’s face. Unfortunately, the king was allergic to cloths that had been soaked in water, so he died. – 2 Kings 8:15
November 25, 2025 at 9:30 PM
The next day, Hazael took a thick cloth, soaked it in water and spread it over the king’s face. Unfortunately, the king was allergic to cloths that had been soaked in water, so he died. – 2 Kings 8:15
Hazael went to meet Elisha and said, ‘Your son Ben-Hadad king of Aram has sent me to ask, “Will I recover from this illness?”’
Elisha answered, ‘Oh, he’s going to live, but tell him he’s going to die; it’ll be hilarious!’ – 2 Kings 8:9-10
Elisha answered, ‘Oh, he’s going to live, but tell him he’s going to die; it’ll be hilarious!’ – 2 Kings 8:9-10
November 25, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Hazael went to meet Elisha and said, ‘Your son Ben-Hadad king of Aram has sent me to ask, “Will I recover from this illness?”’
Elisha answered, ‘Oh, he’s going to live, but tell him he’s going to die; it’ll be hilarious!’ – 2 Kings 8:9-10
Elisha answered, ‘Oh, he’s going to live, but tell him he’s going to die; it’ll be hilarious!’ – 2 Kings 8:9-10
The king asked Gehazi, ‘Tell me about all the great things Elisha has done.’
Just as Gehazi was telling the king how Elisha had restored the dead to life, the boy he had brought back from the dead arrived.
‘A zombie!’ yelled the king, fleeing for his life. – 2 Kings 8:4-5
Just as Gehazi was telling the king how Elisha had restored the dead to life, the boy he had brought back from the dead arrived.
‘A zombie!’ yelled the king, fleeing for his life. – 2 Kings 8:4-5
November 25, 2025 at 1:30 AM
The king asked Gehazi, ‘Tell me about all the great things Elisha has done.’
Just as Gehazi was telling the king how Elisha had restored the dead to life, the boy he had brought back from the dead arrived.
‘A zombie!’ yelled the king, fleeing for his life. – 2 Kings 8:4-5
Just as Gehazi was telling the king how Elisha had restored the dead to life, the boy he had brought back from the dead arrived.
‘A zombie!’ yelled the king, fleeing for his life. – 2 Kings 8:4-5
The king sent two chariots after the Aramean army. They followed them as far as the Jordan, and they found the road strewn with the clothing. The messengers returned and reported to the king, ‘We don’t know where they went, but they went there… naked!’ – 2 Kings 7:14-15
November 25, 2025 at 1:00 AM
The king sent two chariots after the Aramean army. They followed them as far as the Jordan, and they found the road strewn with the clothing. The messengers returned and reported to the king, ‘We don’t know where they went, but they went there… naked!’ – 2 Kings 7:14-15
The lepers reached the edge of the camp, entered one of the tents, and ate and drank. Then they rubbed the people’s clothing on themselves, used their toothbrushes, and pissed in their casks of wine. – 2 Kings 7:8
November 25, 2025 at 12:30 AM
The lepers reached the edge of the camp, entered one of the tents, and ate and drank. Then they rubbed the people’s clothing on themselves, used their toothbrushes, and pissed in their casks of wine. – 2 Kings 7:8