Just call me Les.
@lesmartin.bsky.social
Left leaning, anti Brexit, I will post rubbish jokes, you have been warned!
I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner instead of putting them in Tupperware and throwing them away a week later!
January 30, 2026 at 7:28 AM
I just wanna be rich enough to throw leftovers away after dinner instead of putting them in Tupperware and throwing them away a week later!
Why is it that if you donate one kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?
January 29, 2026 at 8:40 PM
Why is it that if you donate one kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?
I've just bought a moblie phone from a Vicar....
It's pray as you go.
It's pray as you go.
January 21, 2026 at 7:10 PM
I've just bought a moblie phone from a Vicar....
It's pray as you go.
It's pray as you go.
I bought one of these 'smart' light switches, but it was too clever for me…
so I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
so I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
January 21, 2026 at 5:02 PM
I bought one of these 'smart' light switches, but it was too clever for me…
so I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
so I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
I’ve been thinking long and hard for a pun about coal mines; I had to dig deep for this one.
January 21, 2026 at 12:26 PM
I’ve been thinking long and hard for a pun about coal mines; I had to dig deep for this one.
We should just cancel April Fools this year.
Ain't no prank topping reality.
Ain't no prank topping reality.
January 21, 2026 at 7:19 AM
We should just cancel April Fools this year.
Ain't no prank topping reality.
Ain't no prank topping reality.
I got arrested at the local pool for wearing inappropriate swimwear
I now have to do a Speedo awareness course
I now have to do a Speedo awareness course
January 20, 2026 at 12:22 PM
I got arrested at the local pool for wearing inappropriate swimwear
I now have to do a Speedo awareness course
I now have to do a Speedo awareness course
I've got two boxes full of "How To Avoid Confrontation." Books.
Do you want some?
Do you want some?
January 20, 2026 at 7:38 AM
I've got two boxes full of "How To Avoid Confrontation." Books.
Do you want some?
Do you want some?
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
January 20, 2026 at 6:49 AM
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
Lost my job as an airline pilot, apparently I had a bad altitude
January 19, 2026 at 4:03 PM
Lost my job as an airline pilot, apparently I had a bad altitude
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
January 15, 2026 at 7:36 AM
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I woke this morning to an awful smell.
My alarm clock had gone off...
My alarm clock had gone off...
January 14, 2026 at 2:37 PM
I woke this morning to an awful smell.
My alarm clock had gone off...
My alarm clock had gone off...
Just finished Reading 📚 a interesting book called,'Fear of Sunlight', By Gladys Knight.
January 14, 2026 at 1:06 PM
Just finished Reading 📚 a interesting book called,'Fear of Sunlight', By Gladys Knight.
I was appalled when I found someone had used a photo of me on Grok
They'd asked it to put more clothes on
They'd asked it to put more clothes on
January 14, 2026 at 12:55 PM
I was appalled when I found someone had used a photo of me on Grok
They'd asked it to put more clothes on
They'd asked it to put more clothes on
My body: I'm going to bed.
My brain: That doesn't mean that you're going to sleep.
My brain: That doesn't mean that you're going to sleep.
January 13, 2026 at 1:31 PM
My body: I'm going to bed.
My brain: That doesn't mean that you're going to sleep.
My brain: That doesn't mean that you're going to sleep.
I've spent all day trying to put a new bin liner in my bin,but it kept saying, " No,No,No", it was a refuse sack!..
January 13, 2026 at 11:29 AM
I've spent all day trying to put a new bin liner in my bin,but it kept saying, " No,No,No", it was a refuse sack!..
I recently went to the World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
Honestly, not a big fan.
January 12, 2026 at 5:11 PM
I recently went to the World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
Honestly, not a big fan.
I took a long, hard look at myself this morning.
I won't be doing that again.
I won't be doing that again.
January 12, 2026 at 4:33 PM
I took a long, hard look at myself this morning.
I won't be doing that again.
I won't be doing that again.
Eskimo child: Mum what's for tea"?
Mum: "Vera Lynn".
Child: "Oh no not, Whale meat again".
Mum: "Vera Lynn".
Child: "Oh no not, Whale meat again".
January 12, 2026 at 3:15 PM
Eskimo child: Mum what's for tea"?
Mum: "Vera Lynn".
Child: "Oh no not, Whale meat again".
Mum: "Vera Lynn".
Child: "Oh no not, Whale meat again".
I've just bumped into my ex. She said she'll buy me a new phone if I made love to her just one more time. Just what sort of a man does she think I am?
Sent from my iPhone 17.
Sent from my iPhone 17.
January 12, 2026 at 3:14 PM
I've just bumped into my ex. She said she'll buy me a new phone if I made love to her just one more time. Just what sort of a man does she think I am?
Sent from my iPhone 17.
Sent from my iPhone 17.
I found out the guy in Waltzing Matilda is named Andy. It’s in the lyrics, “Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled. . . . “
January 12, 2026 at 11:29 AM
I found out the guy in Waltzing Matilda is named Andy. It’s in the lyrics, “Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled. . . . “
I finally caught the person at work who has been stealing my beetroot…
caught him red handed.
😏
caught him red handed.
😏
January 12, 2026 at 8:56 AM
I finally caught the person at work who has been stealing my beetroot…
caught him red handed.
😏
caught him red handed.
😏
I had to correct to my Geordie friends grammar when he was explaining what was wrong with his leg as a result of diabetes.
I said “ It is going green. “
I said “ It is going green. “
January 12, 2026 at 7:15 AM
I had to correct to my Geordie friends grammar when he was explaining what was wrong with his leg as a result of diabetes.
I said “ It is going green. “
I said “ It is going green. “
My wife keeps saying I look better without glasses, it wouldn't usually bother me but she's the one that wears them..
January 11, 2026 at 7:41 PM
My wife keeps saying I look better without glasses, it wouldn't usually bother me but she's the one that wears them..
Elvis Presley's coffin was made of Oak and took three weeks to build.
John Lennon's was made of Pine and took a week.
Gene Pitney's, 24 hours from Balsa...
John Lennon's was made of Pine and took a week.
Gene Pitney's, 24 hours from Balsa...
January 11, 2026 at 4:11 PM
Elvis Presley's coffin was made of Oak and took three weeks to build.
John Lennon's was made of Pine and took a week.
Gene Pitney's, 24 hours from Balsa...
John Lennon's was made of Pine and took a week.
Gene Pitney's, 24 hours from Balsa...