@juhmarrrchive.bsky.social
The DMV won't let me change my weight on my license renewal. So legally speaking, I lost 40lbs today 💪
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
The DMV won't let me change my weight on my license renewal. So legally speaking, I lost 40lbs today 💪
My favorite @SabrinaAnnLynn song is where she says, "you make me wet like MooDeng"
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
My favorite @SabrinaAnnLynn song is where she says, "you make me wet like MooDeng"
People born on 12/12/12 are turning 12 today.
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
People born on 12/12/12 are turning 12 today.
🎶 Last Christmas, I gave you my fart and the very next day, you blew it away 🎵🎶
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
🎶 Last Christmas, I gave you my fart and the very next day, you blew it away 🎵🎶
It turns out that with the right combo of open doors and blinds, I can make eye contact with my neighbor in his garage while I'm taking a shit.
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
It turns out that with the right combo of open doors and blinds, I can make eye contact with my neighbor in his garage while I'm taking a shit.
What does it mean if you make your therapist cry during your session?
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
What does it mean if you make your therapist cry during your session?
Trump just picked me as head of the US Dept of cutie pies.
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Trump just picked me as head of the US Dept of cutie pies.
Sometimes parenting is putting dozens of hair ties around the neck of a rubber duck at 1am. (And then brushing his hair???)
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Sometimes parenting is putting dozens of hair ties around the neck of a rubber duck at 1am. (And then brushing his hair???)
I don't have time to photoshop a "Boss Baby 2: Back in the White House" movie poster and I apologize for that
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
I don't have time to photoshop a "Boss Baby 2: Back in the White House" movie poster and I apologize for that
Exercise hack: prep a nice lil post workout snack BEFORE you start your workout. And then eat it immediately and decide to just exercise tomorrow instead.
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Exercise hack: prep a nice lil post workout snack BEFORE you start your workout. And then eat it immediately and decide to just exercise tomorrow instead.
Harris must be so relieved that she doesn't have to be president now. That job seems awful.
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Harris must be so relieved that she doesn't have to be president now. That job seems awful.
When are we starting the steal?
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
When are we starting the steal?
I did not Pokemon Go to the polls today
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
I did not Pokemon Go to the polls today
My hands look like this, so her hands can look like this. (In this joke I'm a professional baker)
February 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
My hands look like this, so her hands can look like this. (In this joke I'm a professional baker)
Sometimes I think about these little gremlins and how we, tragically, didn't actually use them for jerseys. AI text garbage goes hard sometimes.
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Sometimes I think about these little gremlins and how we, tragically, didn't actually use them for jerseys. AI text garbage goes hard sometimes.
To be honest, I thought fatherhood would include more airplane spooning than this
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
To be honest, I thought fatherhood would include more airplane spooning than this
My friend is having a baby right now and she refuses to name the baby after Dom Toretto.
So much for starting a "family"
So much for starting a "family"
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
My friend is having a baby right now and she refuses to name the baby after Dom Toretto.
So much for starting a "family"
So much for starting a "family"
30 minutes into Fast & Furious 9 and I have no idea if I've already seen this one.
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
30 minutes into Fast & Furious 9 and I have no idea if I've already seen this one.
Sometimes I wish I could get a sixer of Lionshead here in Georgia.
... for the puzzles obvi.
... for the puzzles obvi.
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Sometimes I wish I could get a sixer of Lionshead here in Georgia.
... for the puzzles obvi.
... for the puzzles obvi.
I'm so thankful for tiktok - where else would I get live video footage of people in Florida who think they're stronger than a hurricane?
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
I'm so thankful for tiktok - where else would I get live video footage of people in Florida who think they're stronger than a hurricane?
I know that there are a lot of bad things going on in the world, but unfortunately, I think I'm going to run out of crunchy peanut butter this week and have to use creamy. Send your good thoughts/prayers to me.
Here's my GoFundMe if you feel inclined: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/hurricane-helene
Here's my GoFundMe if you feel inclined: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/hurricane-helene
Hurricane Helene Relief: Donate or Fundraise
You can support verified fundraisers and nonprofits providing hurricane helene relief by making a donation on this page
www.gofundme.com
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
I know that there are a lot of bad things going on in the world, but unfortunately, I think I'm going to run out of crunchy peanut butter this week and have to use creamy. Send your good thoughts/prayers to me.
Here's my GoFundMe if you feel inclined: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/hurricane-helene
Here's my GoFundMe if you feel inclined: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/hurricane-helene
In your 20's it's, "one of us should open a bar so we don't have to keep paying for beer"
In your 30's it's, "one of us should buy a bounce house so we don't have to keep renting them for all our kids' birthdays"
In your 30's it's, "one of us should buy a bounce house so we don't have to keep renting them for all our kids' birthdays"
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
In your 20's it's, "one of us should open a bar so we don't have to keep paying for beer"
In your 30's it's, "one of us should buy a bounce house so we don't have to keep renting them for all our kids' birthdays"
In your 30's it's, "one of us should buy a bounce house so we don't have to keep renting them for all our kids' birthdays"
I often think about the girl from my college nutrition class who asked the professor, "do, um, marijuana got calories in it?"
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
I often think about the girl from my college nutrition class who asked the professor, "do, um, marijuana got calories in it?"
I'm not jealous of my two year old a lot, but when I am it's because she gets to just shit her pants whenever she wants.
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
I'm not jealous of my two year old a lot, but when I am it's because she gets to just shit her pants whenever she wants.
Tonight is like Christmas eve, I'll be unable to sleep because I'm wondering what will be under the tree. (My car, my fence, my house...)
February 17, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Tonight is like Christmas eve, I'll be unable to sleep because I'm wondering what will be under the tree. (My car, my fence, my house...)