Jess Phoenix
@jessphoenix.bsky.social
Illustrator & pattern designer. Also a real class act.
Thank goodness for the “CHILD” setting on microwaves. I hate it when my children are still frozen in the middle.
May 3, 2025 at 7:37 PM
Thank goodness for the “CHILD” setting on microwaves. I hate it when my children are still frozen in the middle.
🎶Sometimes you wanna go
Where people kiiinda know your faaace!
Dun dun dun!🎶
Where people kiiinda know your faaace!
Dun dun dun!🎶
May 2, 2025 at 3:06 AM
🎶Sometimes you wanna go
Where people kiiinda know your faaace!
Dun dun dun!🎶
Where people kiiinda know your faaace!
Dun dun dun!🎶
My husband, waking up: What time is it?
Me: It’s nine.
Husband: O’CLOCK?!
Me: It’s nine.
Husband: O’CLOCK?!
February 12, 2025 at 9:15 PM
My husband, waking up: What time is it?
Me: It’s nine.
Husband: O’CLOCK?!
Me: It’s nine.
Husband: O’CLOCK?!
When I’m sad, I like to watch the pre-made iPhone Memories slideshows, because they feel unhinged.
“Dinners Together” montage?
Hell yeah, show me photos of my husband with food purposefully in his teeth set to smooth jazz.
Add a photo of when I got food poisoning?
Perfect. Thank you, phone ❤️
“Dinners Together” montage?
Hell yeah, show me photos of my husband with food purposefully in his teeth set to smooth jazz.
Add a photo of when I got food poisoning?
Perfect. Thank you, phone ❤️
February 9, 2025 at 7:35 PM
When I’m sad, I like to watch the pre-made iPhone Memories slideshows, because they feel unhinged.
“Dinners Together” montage?
Hell yeah, show me photos of my husband with food purposefully in his teeth set to smooth jazz.
Add a photo of when I got food poisoning?
Perfect. Thank you, phone ❤️
“Dinners Together” montage?
Hell yeah, show me photos of my husband with food purposefully in his teeth set to smooth jazz.
Add a photo of when I got food poisoning?
Perfect. Thank you, phone ❤️
Buddy, I think there’s an easier way to drink that water…
February 8, 2025 at 6:52 PM
Buddy, I think there’s an easier way to drink that water…
Reposted by Jess Phoenix
"I don't want to just say no 'cause what if something fun happens?"-- @jessphoenix.bsky.social on Dry January
December 26, 2024 at 4:27 AM
"I don't want to just say no 'cause what if something fun happens?"-- @jessphoenix.bsky.social on Dry January
Last night, I was almost asleep when an urgent dream-thought popped into my head:
“Bananas have two asses.”
“Bananas have two asses.”
December 7, 2024 at 8:27 PM
Last night, I was almost asleep when an urgent dream-thought popped into my head:
“Bananas have two asses.”
“Bananas have two asses.”
So what high profile job is Tr*mp gonna give the My Pillow guy?
November 30, 2024 at 4:21 AM
So what high profile job is Tr*mp gonna give the My Pillow guy?
Eleanor Rigby,
Plays with her frisbee
And eats snacks
And chases a log
She is a dog.
Plays with her frisbee
And eats snacks
And chases a log
She is a dog.
November 27, 2024 at 5:01 PM
Eleanor Rigby,
Plays with her frisbee
And eats snacks
And chases a log
She is a dog.
Plays with her frisbee
And eats snacks
And chases a log
She is a dog.
Not sure what’s worse: that the internet gave me this ad (rude!) or that it was ANIMATED.
November 14, 2024 at 4:07 AM
Not sure what’s worse: that the internet gave me this ad (rude!) or that it was ANIMATED.
Well, hey there, li’l guy 🤍
October 29, 2024 at 2:54 AM
Well, hey there, li’l guy 🤍
Reposted by Jess Phoenix
This is news to me.
October 29, 2024 at 2:03 AM
This is news to me.
Can they please invent an ironing board that doesn’t screech like a demon when I set it up, and frighten my cat-children?
December 23, 2023 at 7:22 PM
Can they please invent an ironing board that doesn’t screech like a demon when I set it up, and frighten my cat-children?
Reposted by Jess Phoenix
"I love you but you are so fucking gross." - @jessphoenix.bsky.social to @tomthinks.bsky.social
December 3, 2023 at 4:12 AM
"I love you but you are so fucking gross." - @jessphoenix.bsky.social to @tomthinks.bsky.social
Reposted by Jess Phoenix
"Yeah, it just hit me like a bag of clams."-- @jessphoenix.bsky.social re: feeling drunk all of a sudden
October 1, 2023 at 5:39 AM
"Yeah, it just hit me like a bag of clams."-- @jessphoenix.bsky.social re: feeling drunk all of a sudden
Why, at every little party or gathering that I go to, do I always end up with a balled up napkin in my left hand?
July 17, 2023 at 6:18 PM
Why, at every little party or gathering that I go to, do I always end up with a balled up napkin in my left hand?
In a half sleeping state last night, I thought to myself:
“There should be a ‘Ratfield!’ Like a rat version of ‘Garfield!’ That would be great!” 😬
“There should be a ‘Ratfield!’ Like a rat version of ‘Garfield!’ That would be great!” 😬
July 15, 2023 at 5:01 PM
In a half sleeping state last night, I thought to myself:
“There should be a ‘Ratfield!’ Like a rat version of ‘Garfield!’ That would be great!” 😬
“There should be a ‘Ratfield!’ Like a rat version of ‘Garfield!’ That would be great!” 😬
I don’t know whether to be mad at my clonky typing or thankful Google understood me 🙏
July 12, 2023 at 5:03 AM
I don’t know whether to be mad at my clonky typing or thankful Google understood me 🙏
I am beautiful and unique, and within me I contain multitudes. Like a nest of ants.
July 9, 2023 at 8:19 PM
I am beautiful and unique, and within me I contain multitudes. Like a nest of ants.
Reposted by Jess Phoenix
Is bluesky is ready for live-animated improv livestreams with human comedian guests? Idk, but just in case.. tune in tonight at 7pm PST, 10pm EST on twitch.tv/tomthinks to see Matt O'Brien discuss Costco and other Kirkland Brand details with Grandma in her lounge. Also, please leave GMA a voicemail!
July 6, 2023 at 10:46 PM
Is bluesky is ready for live-animated improv livestreams with human comedian guests? Idk, but just in case.. tune in tonight at 7pm PST, 10pm EST on twitch.tv/tomthinks to see Matt O'Brien discuss Costco and other Kirkland Brand details with Grandma in her lounge. Also, please leave GMA a voicemail!
I stretched out my leg and accidentally booped my cat on the nose and he ran away SO offended/mad what do I do??
July 6, 2023 at 6:05 AM
I stretched out my leg and accidentally booped my cat on the nose and he ran away SO offended/mad what do I do??
This Captain Planet re-brand looks rad.
July 4, 2023 at 5:05 PM
This Captain Planet re-brand looks rad.
I’ve got nothing to say, but at least my profile has a pretty banner, dammit!
July 4, 2023 at 3:09 AM
I’ve got nothing to say, but at least my profile has a pretty banner, dammit!