Jeff Ayers, author
@jeffayerswrites.bsky.social
Fantasy author, doofus, mage and cleric, teacher
Website: jeffayerswrites.com
Website: jeffayerswrites.com
Can’t see the responsibilities. They’re not moving and I have T-Rex eyes.
November 20, 2025 at 2:20 PM
Can’t see the responsibilities. They’re not moving and I have T-Rex eyes.
Brain full of spiders, soul full of garlic, termites in his smile
Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch
Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch
November 19, 2025 at 4:57 PM
Brain full of spiders, soul full of garlic, termites in his smile
Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch
Someone needs to do a wellness check on the Grinch
Arm yourself with knowledge. Shield yourself with wisdom. Festoon yourself with approximation. Barricade yourself with savoir faire. Bedeck yourself with conjecture.
November 18, 2025 at 12:40 PM
Arm yourself with knowledge. Shield yourself with wisdom. Festoon yourself with approximation. Barricade yourself with savoir faire. Bedeck yourself with conjecture.
Stuff was going on BCE
November 17, 2025 at 1:22 PM
Stuff was going on BCE
If you love being late to everything all the time and never getting enough sleep, you’re going to love being a parent.
November 16, 2025 at 3:36 PM
If you love being late to everything all the time and never getting enough sleep, you’re going to love being a parent.
“You must come from a state where the capital is the biggest city”
Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.
Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.
November 16, 2025 at 6:06 AM
“You must come from a state where the capital is the biggest city”
Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.
Sir I did not come here to be accurately attacked.
Every burger place is like “Come in, we have burgers”
And then you go in and it’s burgers
And then you go in and it’s burgers
November 16, 2025 at 1:58 AM
Every burger place is like “Come in, we have burgers”
And then you go in and it’s burgers
And then you go in and it’s burgers
To all the teachers out there:
The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.
The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.
November 15, 2025 at 2:55 PM
To all the teachers out there:
The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.
The numbers thing will pass. You’ve weathered other storms before. It won’t last forever. Hang in there.
She's touring the facility and picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt
She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt
She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.
November 14, 2025 at 1:11 PM
She's touring the facility and picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt
She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong skirt
She is wearing two skirts. Two skirts at the same time. Simultaneous skirts of varying length. Two-skirts McGoo.
When the clarinet does that thing at the beginning of Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best things a clarinet can do.
November 13, 2025 at 1:01 PM
When the clarinet does that thing at the beginning of Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best things a clarinet can do.
Gotta marinate. Need to broil. Time to sauté. Gonna simmer.
November 12, 2025 at 2:18 PM
Gotta marinate. Need to broil. Time to sauté. Gonna simmer.
Loops are a breakfast shape. Bagels, donuts, froot, small tires, Cheerios. The loop means it’s time to eat after you’ve slept.
November 11, 2025 at 1:05 PM
Loops are a breakfast shape. Bagels, donuts, froot, small tires, Cheerios. The loop means it’s time to eat after you’ve slept.
You expect me to return to dust? As in dirt? As in soil? I am not a plant.
November 10, 2025 at 12:50 PM
You expect me to return to dust? As in dirt? As in soil? I am not a plant.
You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
I can. But you’re not skilled enough.
I can. But you’re not skilled enough.
November 9, 2025 at 6:11 PM
You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
I can. But you’re not skilled enough.
I can. But you’re not skilled enough.
I think Star Wars would’ve been a lot better if someone had given C-3PO a little peck on the forehead, just once.
November 8, 2025 at 1:24 PM
I think Star Wars would’ve been a lot better if someone had given C-3PO a little peck on the forehead, just once.
Eye doctor and a boxer? That’s a boptometrist.
Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.
Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.
November 7, 2025 at 1:31 PM
Eye doctor and a boxer? That’s a boptometrist.
Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.
Also plays fast jazz? Beboptometrist.
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
November 7, 2025 at 1:16 PM
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Do not mistake my flapjacks for pancakes. You’ll end up like everyone else.
November 6, 2025 at 1:02 PM
Do not mistake my flapjacks for pancakes. You’ll end up like everyone else.
Just learned from the DMV that Life of Pivis fiction.
Life of LIES
Life of LIES
November 5, 2025 at 12:38 PM
Just learned from the DMV that Life of Pivis fiction.
Life of LIES
Life of LIES
You cannot triple stamp a double stamp. This was settled law as of Harry v. Lloyd. The Supreme Court has affirmed this multiple times.
November 4, 2025 at 2:14 PM
You cannot triple stamp a double stamp. This was settled law as of Harry v. Lloyd. The Supreme Court has affirmed this multiple times.
Put a gallon of milk inside that hat and then me it’s ten gallon. Lying, deceptive hat name.
November 3, 2025 at 1:37 PM
Put a gallon of milk inside that hat and then me it’s ten gallon. Lying, deceptive hat name.
Touching grass is overrated. Ticks live in that stuff. There’s rock poop (aka dirt) under there.
November 2, 2025 at 4:57 PM
Touching grass is overrated. Ticks live in that stuff. There’s rock poop (aka dirt) under there.
Times I’ve stopped at a gas station:
Just for gas: small number
Just for a little treat: big number
For gas & a little treat: biggest number
Get a data analyst on this
Just for gas: small number
Just for a little treat: big number
For gas & a little treat: biggest number
Get a data analyst on this
November 1, 2025 at 1:52 PM
Times I’ve stopped at a gas station:
Just for gas: small number
Just for a little treat: big number
For gas & a little treat: biggest number
Get a data analyst on this
Just for gas: small number
Just for a little treat: big number
For gas & a little treat: biggest number
Get a data analyst on this
Pillows is bed raviolis
October 31, 2025 at 12:19 PM
Pillows is bed raviolis
“Benign? You’re a beseven or besix at best.”
— the worst oncologist in the world
— the worst oncologist in the world
October 30, 2025 at 12:03 PM
“Benign? You’re a beseven or besix at best.”
— the worst oncologist in the world
— the worst oncologist in the world