a car dealership flying their inflatable tube man at half-mast after a terrible incident

i can probably think of one that's more stunning

i don't listen to hidden tracks on albums out of respect for the artist. if they wanted them heard, they would've put them right where i can see them

once they're constructed, they shouldn't be called buildings they should be called dones or finisheds

tie-dye t-shirt? more like ta-da t-shirt what with all its impressive patterns

we're all just living life, pretending like there isn't just a little bit of mold on the inside of our salsa jars

the movie Smile but it's called Chicken Wings and people are eating chicken wings menacingly at their victims until they kill themselves

they should make toilet paper taster packs like they have with beer so you can be adventurous without having to commit to anything

[reading a book]: damn this narrator be unreliable as fuck

every time i take a naked picture of myself this is what shows up on my phone

you can point out that Winnie the Pooh doesn't wear pants all you want but no one talks about Piglet being the only one in that friend group whose junk is covered. probably a hog with a hog situation

if jesus is coming back he's probably been using his time to limber up his body after what happened last time

Charlie [trying to motivate the chocolate factory workforce]: i'm just like you - in the morning i put my pants on one leg at a time, and at night i say goodnight to my grandparents, whom i share a bed with, one at a time until i reach the normal amount of 4 bedside grandparents

Oompa Loompas: what

a kid in highschool tried this with Lazer and it stuck

getting called a good dad for burping my newborn and trying to solve every subsequent problem my kid has by burping him. kid turns 16 and goes through his first breakup - i go in for the burp