Today, I was able to cross “running the NY Marathon” off my bucket list.
Not because I did it, because I got tired just watching it for ten minutes.
Not because I did it, because I got tired just watching it for ten minutes.
November 2, 2025 at 9:06 PM
Today, I was able to cross “running the NY Marathon” off my bucket list.
Not because I did it, because I got tired just watching it for ten minutes.
Not because I did it, because I got tired just watching it for ten minutes.
People always tell me I should trust my gut, but I get hurt every time we try a trust fall.
October 24, 2025 at 5:06 PM
People always tell me I should trust my gut, but I get hurt every time we try a trust fall.
A quick reminder for anyone who is being told that the No Kings rallies were exclusively attended by people without jobs.
1. No Kings was on a Saturday
2. January 6, 2021 was a Wednesday
1. No Kings was on a Saturday
2. January 6, 2021 was a Wednesday
October 22, 2025 at 10:48 AM
A quick reminder for anyone who is being told that the No Kings rallies were exclusively attended by people without jobs.
1. No Kings was on a Saturday
2. January 6, 2021 was a Wednesday
1. No Kings was on a Saturday
2. January 6, 2021 was a Wednesday
When Alex Jones dies, everybody needs to insist that he’s still alive and that the whole thing is just a false flag operation.
October 5, 2025 at 3:55 PM
When Alex Jones dies, everybody needs to insist that he’s still alive and that the whole thing is just a false flag operation.
Trump: Don’t take Tylenol! Just tough it out!
Also Trump: You can’t draft me because my bone spurs hurt.
Also Trump: You can’t draft me because my bone spurs hurt.
September 26, 2025 at 6:33 PM
Trump: Don’t take Tylenol! Just tough it out!
Also Trump: You can’t draft me because my bone spurs hurt.
Also Trump: You can’t draft me because my bone spurs hurt.
Can we eliminate the term
“Grammar Nazi” from the English language? Because here in America, we have actual Nazis and they never use proper grammar.
“Grammar Nazi” from the English language? Because here in America, we have actual Nazis and they never use proper grammar.
September 19, 2025 at 1:46 PM
Can we eliminate the term
“Grammar Nazi” from the English language? Because here in America, we have actual Nazis and they never use proper grammar.
“Grammar Nazi” from the English language? Because here in America, we have actual Nazis and they never use proper grammar.
First they came for the Coberts, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Colbert.
Then they came for the Kimmels, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Kimmel…
Then they came for the Kimmels, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Kimmel…
September 18, 2025 at 7:59 AM
First they came for the Coberts, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Colbert.
Then they came for the Kimmels, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Kimmel…
Then they came for the Kimmels, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Kimmel…
I think it’s a terrible shame that Charlie Kirk was killed before I got the chance to punch him.
September 11, 2025 at 4:12 AM
I think it’s a terrible shame that Charlie Kirk was killed before I got the chance to punch him.
I’m an atheist and have been for most of my life, but I kind of hope there’s a god.
Not because I want to go to heaven; because I want Donald Trump to burn in hell.
Not because I want to go to heaven; because I want Donald Trump to burn in hell.
August 24, 2025 at 4:33 PM
I’m an atheist and have been for most of my life, but I kind of hope there’s a god.
Not because I want to go to heaven; because I want Donald Trump to burn in hell.
Not because I want to go to heaven; because I want Donald Trump to burn in hell.
I remember going to a diner near to where I was going to college in probably 1995 or ‘96. I was shocked to see Denis Leary’s song “Asshole” was on the jukebox. I mean, there were
little kids and old ladies in there.
So of course I played it.
Twice.
little kids and old ladies in there.
So of course I played it.
Twice.
August 7, 2025 at 12:59 PM
I remember going to a diner near to where I was going to college in probably 1995 or ‘96. I was shocked to see Denis Leary’s song “Asshole” was on the jukebox. I mean, there were
little kids and old ladies in there.
So of course I played it.
Twice.
little kids and old ladies in there.
So of course I played it.
Twice.
I had always planned on being cremated when I die, but now I’m not sure. Because I think it would be really funny to hire some guess to dress up like ICE and steal my corpse during my funeral.
July 31, 2025 at 9:50 PM
I had always planned on being cremated when I die, but now I’m not sure. Because I think it would be really funny to hire some guess to dress up like ICE and steal my corpse during my funeral.
I had a sleep study done last night. They put electrodes all over me, mostly on my head. Some were in places that I don’t want to talk about, but I’ll point to them on this doll. I don’t understand why they had to be so deep in there. I feel so violated. I cried in the shower this morning.
July 29, 2025 at 12:49 PM
I had a sleep study done last night. They put electrodes all over me, mostly on my head. Some were in places that I don’t want to talk about, but I’ll point to them on this doll. I don’t understand why they had to be so deep in there. I feel so violated. I cried in the shower this morning.
With all the golf he skips work to play, Trump must really like 18 holes.
But I hear he likes under 18 holes even more.
But I hear he likes under 18 holes even more.
July 27, 2025 at 10:13 PM
With all the golf he skips work to play, Trump must really like 18 holes.
But I hear he likes under 18 holes even more.
But I hear he likes under 18 holes even more.
I ate a bunch of Polaroids yesterday so this morning I took a photo dump.
July 25, 2025 at 4:27 PM
I ate a bunch of Polaroids yesterday so this morning I took a photo dump.
Fun fact about me:
I have accidentally typed woukd instead of would so many times that my phone has stopped autocorrecting it.
I have accidentally typed woukd instead of would so many times that my phone has stopped autocorrecting it.
May 11, 2025 at 5:09 PM
Fun fact about me:
I have accidentally typed woukd instead of would so many times that my phone has stopped autocorrecting it.
I have accidentally typed woukd instead of would so many times that my phone has stopped autocorrecting it.
Everytime I see a video showing a cat exhibiting “orange cat behavior,” they’re just exhibiting “cat behavior.” Sure a lot of orange cats are kind of dumb, but other cats do the same crazy shit. Stop putting orange cats up on a crazy pedestal. All cats are crazy. And I love that about them.
March 26, 2025 at 4:52 PM
Everytime I see a video showing a cat exhibiting “orange cat behavior,” they’re just exhibiting “cat behavior.” Sure a lot of orange cats are kind of dumb, but other cats do the same crazy shit. Stop putting orange cats up on a crazy pedestal. All cats are crazy. And I love that about them.
Social media in a nutshell:
Me: “Here is a factual statement.”
Stranger: “This is why your factual statement is wrong, and also why you’re a cuck.”
Me: “Here is a factual statement.”
Stranger: “This is why your factual statement is wrong, and also why you’re a cuck.”
March 25, 2025 at 5:39 PM
Social media in a nutshell:
Me: “Here is a factual statement.”
Stranger: “This is why your factual statement is wrong, and also why you’re a cuck.”
Me: “Here is a factual statement.”
Stranger: “This is why your factual statement is wrong, and also why you’re a cuck.”
*waking up from a coma I entered a week after the Challenger space shuttle exploded*
Nurse: Welcome back!
Me: What does NASA stand for?
Nurse: …
Me: Needs Another Seven Astronauts
*immediately flatlines and dies*
Nurse: Welcome back!
Me: What does NASA stand for?
Nurse: …
Me: Needs Another Seven Astronauts
*immediately flatlines and dies*
March 24, 2025 at 8:21 PM
*waking up from a coma I entered a week after the Challenger space shuttle exploded*
Nurse: Welcome back!
Me: What does NASA stand for?
Nurse: …
Me: Needs Another Seven Astronauts
*immediately flatlines and dies*
Nurse: Welcome back!
Me: What does NASA stand for?
Nurse: …
Me: Needs Another Seven Astronauts
*immediately flatlines and dies*
Donald Trump was convicted of 34 felonies and his punishment was getting to cut essential services to the most vulnerable Americans in order to enrich himself.
March 17, 2025 at 5:00 AM
Donald Trump was convicted of 34 felonies and his punishment was getting to cut essential services to the most vulnerable Americans in order to enrich himself.
Today, Mar 10 is Mario Day.
December 4 is Luigi Day.
December 4 is Luigi Day.
March 10, 2025 at 7:05 PM
Today, Mar 10 is Mario Day.
December 4 is Luigi Day.
December 4 is Luigi Day.
How much of a snowflake do you have to be to get offended by colors?
March 6, 2025 at 7:58 PM
How much of a snowflake do you have to be to get offended by colors?
I think the recent measles outbreak is just a viral campaign for vaccinations.
February 28, 2025 at 11:34 AM
I think the recent measles outbreak is just a viral campaign for vaccinations.
It’s fascinating how the “Nigerian prince asking for money” scam has evolved into a “South African oligarch controlling the treasury” scam.
February 12, 2025 at 8:38 PM
It’s fascinating how the “Nigerian prince asking for money” scam has evolved into a “South African oligarch controlling the treasury” scam.
The Gulf of Mexico sounds like an idyllic tropical vacation spot.
The Guif of America sounds like a superfund site where the fish have guns.
The Guif of America sounds like a superfund site where the fish have guns.
February 11, 2025 at 3:25 AM
The Gulf of Mexico sounds like an idyllic tropical vacation spot.
The Guif of America sounds like a superfund site where the fish have guns.
The Guif of America sounds like a superfund site where the fish have guns.
I wish I was an NFL groundskeeper so I could write FUCK TRUMP on the field.
February 10, 2025 at 12:00 AM
I wish I was an NFL groundskeeper so I could write FUCK TRUMP on the field.