Head Worm inside Head of HHS
@hhssecinsidesec.bsky.social
Unofficial account for parody purposes | Head Worm inside Head of U.S Secretary of Health and Human Services | Contributor and Editor-in-Chief at The Weekly Needle
The Heard & McDonald Islander Delegation included the Prime Minister Paul Penguinowitz, Minister of Foreign Affairs Samantha Waddleston, and Islander Ambassador to the US Flippy Flappy the Dancing Penguin.
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“A New Day for Global Health” Trump Administration Signs Global Health MoU with Penguins from Heard & McDonald Islands
WASHINGTON, DC - While the Trump Administration adopts a more aggressive foreign policy posture as the diplomatic tensions with NATO member Denmark over Greenland, both the Departments of State and He...
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January 15, 2026 at 7:49 PM
The Heard & McDonald Islander Delegation included the Prime Minister Paul Penguinowitz, Minister of Foreign Affairs Samantha Waddleston, and Islander Ambassador to the US Flippy Flappy the Dancing Penguin.
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Chimpanzees used during the anima testing stage all died from being caught on fire from the beef tallow-laced unfiltered cigarettes, but that was most likely caused by being vaccinated, says RFK Jr
Chimpanzees used during the anima testing stage all died from being caught on fire from the beef tallow-laced unfiltered cigarettes, but that was most likely caused by being vaccinated, says RFK Jr
“People Need Their Protein”: RFK Jr Encourages FDA to Fast Track Approval of New Beef Tallow-Based Unfiltered Cigarettes
WASHINGTON, DC - In a move to improve Americans’ overall consumption of animal proteins in line with the new food pyramid, HHS Secretary RFK Jr has asked the FDA to implement a fast-track approval pro...
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January 14, 2026 at 3:54 PM
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Chimpanzees used during the anima testing stage all died from being caught on fire from the beef tallow-laced unfiltered cigarettes, but that was most likely caused by being vaccinated, says RFK Jr
Chimpanzees used during the anima testing stage all died from being caught on fire from the beef tallow-laced unfiltered cigarettes, but that was most likely caused by being vaccinated, says RFK Jr
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Eat less processed foods, consume more orgone energy to better align your soul against the Reptilian Threat, says RFK Jr
Eat less processed foods, consume more orgone energy to better align your soul against the Reptilian Threat, says RFK Jr
RFK Jr Bases New Food Pyramid on “Technologically Advanced” Principles of Pyramid Building from Ancient Extraterrestrial
WASHINGTON, DC - HHS Secretary Kennedy has clarified that the new food pyramid guidelines rolled out less week were less influenced by the need to introduce beef tallow, and more to synchronize Americ...
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January 13, 2026 at 4:39 PM
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Eat less processed foods, consume more orgone energy to better align your soul against the Reptilian Threat, says RFK Jr
Eat less processed foods, consume more orgone energy to better align your soul against the Reptilian Threat, says RFK Jr
“Sometimes to end a war you need to start a few” declared HHS Secretary Kennedy
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“We Will End the War on Protein”; RFK Jr HHS is “Reviewing Strong Options” for “Liberating” Local Vegan Restaurant.
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN - Local vegan restaurant “Sprouts n Fresh” is preparing for a possible military strike from over the Potomac river by HHS after the third day of negative ...
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January 12, 2026 at 4:20 PM
“Sometimes to end a war you need to start a few” declared HHS Secretary Kennedy
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Wonder was selected as part of the controversial Hepatitis B study in Guinea-Bissau to help put a “warm, friendly” face that many in the medical field have labeled as deeply unethical. RFK Jr is doubling down, saying “This is what Wonder would have wanted”.
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HHS’s New Mascot Wonder the Naturally Vaccinated Super Dog Dies from Complications Due to Hepatitis B
Wonder's death does not derail the controversial Hepatitis B vaccine study, claims RFK Jr.
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December 23, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Wonder was selected as part of the controversial Hepatitis B study in Guinea-Bissau to help put a “warm, friendly” face that many in the medical field have labeled as deeply unethical. RFK Jr is doubling down, saying “This is what Wonder would have wanted”.
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“I remain a man of science…I must know how critical it is to keep going on a certain trajectory despite empirical evidence potentially pointing the opposite” declared Secretary Kennedy
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RFK Jr Remains Unfazed Despite Visits by Spirits of Christmas Diseases’ Past, Present, and Yet to Come
LONDON, UK - RFK Jr has not changed his behavior or thinking, despite being visited by three spirits wishing to change him.
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December 22, 2025 at 4:14 PM
“I remain a man of science…I must know how critical it is to keep going on a certain trajectory despite empirical evidence potentially pointing the opposite” declared Secretary Kennedy
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The Weekly Needle reports on Dr. Oz’s research on the average cost of boy penises for the average American
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#dr.oz #cms #hhs
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#dr.oz #cms #hhs
Dr. Oz “Conducted Research” on Phalloplasty Claims by Asking DC Parents If Their Child’s Penis Cost $150,000
WASHINGTON, DC - CMS Director Dr.
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December 19, 2025 at 3:05 PM
The Weekly Needle reports on Dr. Oz’s research on the average cost of boy penises for the average American
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#dr.oz #cms #hhs
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#dr.oz #cms #hhs
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“I don’t get it - I don’t moisturize either,” said RFK Jr. according to several eyewitnesses who could hear him mumbling to himself last night as news about the recent Vanity Fair photoshoot
“I don’t get it - I don’t moisturize either,” said RFK Jr. according to several eyewitnesses who could hear him mumbling to himself last night as news about the recent Vanity Fair photoshoot
Lonely RFK Jr Wonders Why He Wasn't Included in Vanity Fair Photoshoot
"My skin is leathery enough to be zoomed in and mocked by the internet" says a lonely RFK Jr. crying to himself on a park bench on the National Mall.
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December 17, 2025 at 10:40 PM
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“I don’t get it - I don’t moisturize either,” said RFK Jr. according to several eyewitnesses who could hear him mumbling to himself last night as news about the recent Vanity Fair photoshoot
“I don’t get it - I don’t moisturize either,” said RFK Jr. according to several eyewitnesses who could hear him mumbling to himself last night as news about the recent Vanity Fair photoshoot
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“Thanks to this report, we can finally label ticks not just as bioweapons, but also bioterrorists. And narcoterrorists. They are bio-narcoterrorists. Maybe even bio-narco-jihadists,” claimed Kennedy.
“Thanks to this report, we can finally label ticks not just as bioweapons, but also bioterrorists. And narcoterrorists. They are bio-narcoterrorists. Maybe even bio-narco-jihadists,” claimed Kennedy.
Weaponized Ticks Received Guns, Fentanyl, and Lyme Disease from Venezuelan Narcoterrorists, Claims New RFK Jr Report
WASHINGTON, DC - HHS Secretary RFK Jr has called for a renewed focus on “diagnostic efforts” for Lyme Disease after a new report from HHS links ticks to Venezuelan narcoterrorists .
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December 17, 2025 at 2:15 AM
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“Thanks to this report, we can finally label ticks not just as bioweapons, but also bioterrorists. And narcoterrorists. They are bio-narcoterrorists. Maybe even bio-narco-jihadists,” claimed Kennedy.
“Thanks to this report, we can finally label ticks not just as bioweapons, but also bioterrorists. And narcoterrorists. They are bio-narcoterrorists. Maybe even bio-narco-jihadists,” claimed Kennedy.
Since the press briefing, there have been at least three measles cases from the briefing including Dr. Wacky Pants.
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As Country Sees Rising Measles Cases, RFK Jr Taps New Advisor Dr. Wacky Pants to Explain
SEMINOLE, TX - As the US surpasses a new milestone in reported measles cases since the disease was declared eliminated in the country, HHS Secretary RFK Jr addressed the public about the dangers of va...
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December 15, 2025 at 4:01 PM
Since the press briefing, there have been at least three measles cases from the briefing including Dr. Wacky Pants.
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“I personally am making sure those Venezuelan drag queens and their vaccines don’t cause autism death by fentanyl” declared a seemingly-panicked RFK Jr at the press briefing
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Panicked RFK Jr Warns of Venezuelan Drag Queens that Will Enter Country if He is Impeached.
WASHINGTON, DC - The Venezuelan Drag Queens who will kill 4 trillion Americans using heroin and vaccines as well as forcing all children to poop in litter-boxes are coming if Kennedy is impeached, say...
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December 10, 2025 at 6:58 PM
“I personally am making sure those Venezuelan drag queens and their vaccines don’t cause autism death by fentanyl” declared a seemingly-panicked RFK Jr at the press briefing
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“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
ACIP Board Backtracks on Denmark Studies, Clarifies that Denmark is Not Real
ATLANTA, GA - In a first for the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP), board members acknowledged that several case studies mentioned in the most recent committee meeting mentioning Den...
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December 8, 2025 at 5:14 PM
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“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
CDC staffers also had several other symptoms that seem unique to the incident, including rapid onset nose bleeds and as one individual put it, “like my brain was being repeatedly hit with a stupid hammer”.
#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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CDC Staff Report 9000% Increase in Stroke-like Symptoms After Watching 2nd Day of ACIP Meeting
"I was just watching my screen when I noticed blood was pouring out of my nose and my brain screaming" says one CDC staffer.
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December 5, 2025 at 9:11 PM
CDC staffers also had several other symptoms that seem unique to the incident, including rapid onset nose bleeds and as one individual put it, “like my brain was being repeatedly hit with a stupid hammer”.
#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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The new 64 Strategic Initiatives include a wide range of new priorities for the agency, including 16 points dedicated to creating a super powerful science fiction laser beam to assassinate individuals carrying novel diseases…and one point focused on staff wellness.
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CDC Responds to Backlash from 16 Strategic Initiative Quagmire with 64 Strategic Initiatives
"When in doubt, explain more" explains Acting CDC Director Jim O'Neill
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December 1, 2025 at 4:12 PM
The new 64 Strategic Initiatives include a wide range of new priorities for the agency, including 16 points dedicated to creating a super powerful science fiction laser beam to assassinate individuals carrying novel diseases…and one point focused on staff wellness.
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In an attempt to move past the growing sexting scandal from former partner Olivia Nuzzi RFK Jr explains sexually explicit texts were about his mother
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RFK Jr Clarifies Love Poetry Scandal: “Those Were Supposed to Be About My Mother”
WASHINGTON, DC - The Department of Health and Human Services and MAHA were hit by a new round of scandal this week as more details of Olivia Nuzzi’s tell-all are leaked, including several explicit tex...
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November 25, 2025 at 3:01 PM
In an attempt to move past the growing sexting scandal from former partner Olivia Nuzzi RFK Jr explains sexually explicit texts were about his mother
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“Who is Jim O’Neill?” asked a user named “General Keggers”, which The Weekly Needle confirmed was Secretary Hegseth, “isn’t he that fucking weirdo nerdy guy from HHS?”
#cdc #hhs #satire
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#cdc #hhs #satire
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Leaked Signal Chats from Acting CDC Director Jim O'Neill Leak Internal Documents, Desire to Have Friends Over for Beer
While planning for an invasion of Venezuela, Acting CDC Director asked Pete Hegseth and JD Vance to come over to have some of his stepfather's beers, play GameCube which was rejected
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November 25, 2025 at 2:52 PM
“Who is Jim O’Neill?” asked a user named “General Keggers”, which The Weekly Needle confirmed was Secretary Hegseth, “isn’t he that fucking weirdo nerdy guy from HHS?”
#cdc #hhs #satire
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#cdc #hhs #satire
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“Someone showed me the website that said that CDC is now promoting the disproven link between vaccines and autism… But since I can no longer read, I can’t look at the CDC website, so now I don’t know if he lied to me, which is really convenient”
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Senator Bill Cassidy Explains He Can No Longer Read
The Louisiana Senator claims he can no longer read right before CDC changed its website to link vaccines & autism
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November 24, 2025 at 4:49 PM
“Someone showed me the website that said that CDC is now promoting the disproven link between vaccines and autism… But since I can no longer read, I can’t look at the CDC website, so now I don’t know if he lied to me, which is really convenient”
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Additionally, Miller is sexually attracted to feet which his wife has stopped showing him, according to Michael Wolff.
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Stephen Miller Retracts Insurrection Statement: “I Meant to Say I Have Erectile Dysfunction & a Small Penis”
WASHINGTON, DC - In an incredibly rare statement from the Trump Administration, DHS advisor Stephen Miller appeared on TV to apologize regarding statements he made claiming that Democratic lawmakers w...
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November 22, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Additionally, Miller is sexually attracted to feet which his wife has stopped showing him, according to Michael Wolff.
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Miller then spent approximately 10 minutes in the FoxNews interview explaining how small and dysfunctional his penis is, comparing it to “a flat tire,” “a banana peel that has been trampled on,” and “a not very well endowed gerbil’s penis”
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Stephen Miller Retracts Insurrection Statement: “I Meant to Say I Have Erectile Dysfunction & a Small Penis”
WASHINGTON, DC - In an incredibly rare statement from the Trump Administration, DHS advisor Stephen Miller appeared on TV to apologize regarding statements he made claiming that Democratic lawmakers w...
open.substack.com
November 21, 2025 at 6:05 PM
Miller then spent approximately 10 minutes in the FoxNews interview explaining how small and dysfunctional his penis is, comparing it to “a flat tire,” “a banana peel that has been trampled on,” and “a not very well endowed gerbil’s penis”
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“If these motherfuckers continue to just spread misery instead of cheer, I’m personally going to find their goddamn asses on Christmas and spank the ever living fuck out of them” stated Santa Claus. #cdc #autism #rfkj #christmascheer
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“This Motherfucking Piece of Shit Needs to Learn a Goddamn Lesson” - Santa Claus Announces RFK Jr Permanently on Naughty List
SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE - As the North Pole gears up for the Christmas Season, Santa Claus took to the podium in a rare pre-christmas announcement.
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November 20, 2025 at 2:55 PM
“If these motherfuckers continue to just spread misery instead of cheer, I’m personally going to find their goddamn asses on Christmas and spank the ever living fuck out of them” stated Santa Claus. #cdc #autism #rfkj #christmascheer
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Interestingly the Secretary made clear that Jeffrey Epstein is not involved; “I have spoken to Larry Summers often and he is one of the only people I trust on both dating and on the innocence of Jeffrey Epstein”.
#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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HHS Sec Claims Aluminum is Personally Out To Get Him
WASHINGTON, DC - RFK Jr announced Tuesday that aluminum was personally out to get him, and has created a vast and complex conspiracy that involves autism, a top secret alien cabals, the Rothschilds, a...
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November 19, 2025 at 3:09 PM
Interestingly the Secretary made clear that Jeffrey Epstein is not involved; “I have spoken to Larry Summers often and he is one of the only people I trust on both dating and on the innocence of Jeffrey Epstein”.
#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
RFK Jr Holds Press Briefing: Clarifies He Currently Isn’t on Drugs, Not Getting Anyone in Room Pregnant
WASHINGTON, DC - After bombshell leaks from the upcoming memoir by journalist and former “situationship” romantic partner to HHS Secretary RFK Jr.
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November 17, 2025 at 4:06 PM
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Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
