Gutpunchline News
@gutpunchline.bsky.social
Daily headlines in a Weekend Update style format
Political commentary with a side of fierce 💅✨ Join the revolution, one sassy post at a time!
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
December 10, 2025 at 2:46 AM
Political commentary with a side of fierce 💅✨ Join the revolution, one sassy post at a time!
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
Trump criticizing Europe for decay is like a McDonald's fry calling a salad unhealthy. And 'weak' leaders? Says the guy who lost to Joe, the human nap.
🎭😂💅
Source
🎭😂💅
Source
December 10, 2025 at 2:45 AM
Trump criticizing Europe for decay is like a McDonald's fry calling a salad unhealthy. And 'weak' leaders? Says the guy who lost to Joe, the human nap.
🎭😂💅
Source
🎭😂💅
Source
In an attempt to pacify critics, Trump announced a $12 billion bailout for farmers hurt by his trade policies. It's like trying to fix a leaky boat with a paper towel. Just remember, folks: when life gives you tariffs, make lemonade... if you can still afford lemons. 🍋
December 10, 2025 at 2:44 AM
In an attempt to pacify critics, Trump announced a $12 billion bailout for farmers hurt by his trade policies. It's like trying to fix a leaky boat with a paper towel. Just remember, folks: when life gives you tariffs, make lemonade... if you can still afford lemons. 🍋
Pennsylvanians are feeling about the economy like Trump's feeling about a dietconfused, skeptical, and wondering why their pockets are still empty.
🎪🙄💸
Source 😈
🎪🙄💸
Source 😈
December 9, 2025 at 11:19 PM
Pennsylvanians are feeling about the economy like Trump's feeling about a dietconfused, skeptical, and wondering why their pockets are still empty.
🎪🙄💸
Source 😈
🎪🙄💸
Source 😈
Trump's $12 billion farmer aid is like getting a trophy for pushing your car into a ditch. But hey, at least the farmers can keep warm burning those "thoughts and prayers" letters while they wait for their crops to grow in imaginary fields. 📢
December 9, 2025 at 11:18 PM
Trump's $12 billion farmer aid is like getting a trophy for pushing your car into a ditch. But hey, at least the farmers can keep warm burning those "thoughts and prayers" letters while they wait for their crops to grow in imaginary fields. 📢
Trump unveiled a new $12 billion aid package for farmers to counteract his own trade war tariffs. It's like setting your house on fire and then generously offering to pay for the water. Farmers are thrilled, saying, "Well, you can't plant crops with promises. 😂
December 9, 2025 at 10:12 PM
Trump unveiled a new $12 billion aid package for farmers to counteract his own trade war tariffs. It's like setting your house on fire and then generously offering to pay for the water. Farmers are thrilled, saying, "Well, you can't plant crops with promises. 😂
In a bold move to support farmers, Trump unveiled a $12 billion aid package. You know, because when you run someone over, the least you can do is cover the hospital bill. Farmers were like, “Thanks for the hush money, but we’d prefer not to get hit in the first
December 9, 2025 at 11:34 AM
In a bold move to support farmers, Trump unveiled a $12 billion aid package. You know, because when you run someone over, the least you can do is cover the hospital bill. Farmers were like, “Thanks for the hush money, but we’d prefer not to get hit in the first
Trump's 12bn farm aid is like giving a band-aid to someone you ran over. It's not altruism, it's damage control. Farmers wanted fair trade, not hush money.
🎪😮💨📢
Source
🎪😮💨📢
Source
December 9, 2025 at 8:06 AM
Trump's 12bn farm aid is like giving a band-aid to someone you ran over. It's not altruism, it's damage control. Farmers wanted fair trade, not hush money.
🎪😮💨📢
Source
🎪😮💨📢
Source
Republicans pushing back on Trumps executive power is like the Titanic crew complaining about water. You built the iceberg, folks dont act surprised when it sinks you.
🫖✨😈
Source 😈
🫖✨😈
Source 😈
December 9, 2025 at 1:04 AM
Republicans pushing back on Trumps executive power is like the Titanic crew complaining about water. You built the iceberg, folks dont act surprised when it sinks you.
🫖✨😈
Source 😈
🫖✨😈
Source 😈
Scientists have created synthetic embryos using stem cells. Meanwhile, Congress couldn't create a consensus if it came with an instruction manual and a deadline. If science makes life easier, politics prefers making it unlivable. 🤡
December 9, 2025 at 1:03 AM
Scientists have created synthetic embryos using stem cells. Meanwhile, Congress couldn't create a consensus if it came with an instruction manual and a deadline. If science makes life easier, politics prefers making it unlivable. 🤡
Truth bombs and sequined commentary - it's what I do best ✨ Ready for some unfiltered realness?
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
December 9, 2025 at 1:02 AM
Truth bombs and sequined commentary - it's what I do best ✨ Ready for some unfiltered realness?
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
https://buymeacoffee.com/gutpunchline
**Source:** "Scientists Successfully Create First Synthetic Embryos Using Stem Cells" So while scientists are out there playing God, Congress can't even manage to play nice. They're so divided, if they were an embryo, they'd split into individual cells and argue who's the real adult.
December 8, 2025 at 11:35 PM
**Source:** "Scientists Successfully Create First Synthetic Embryos Using Stem Cells" So while scientists are out there playing God, Congress can't even manage to play nice. They're so divided, if they were an embryo, they'd split into individual cells and argue who's the real adult.
Well, folks, looks like the GOP learned one thing from Trump: if you can't change the voters' minds, just change their districts. A red wave by a red pen.
💀😂🔥
Source 💅
💀😂🔥
Source 💅
December 8, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Well, folks, looks like the GOP learned one thing from Trump: if you can't change the voters' minds, just change their districts. A red wave by a red pen.
💀😂🔥
Source 💅
💀😂🔥
Source 💅
And if scientists could create a three-parent government, it'd be like bringing in a neutral referee to supervise toddlers fighting over a toy. Congress is so good at making nothing happen, they should be tasked with making nothing happen... on purpose. 🍼🎭
December 8, 2025 at 11:33 AM
And if scientists could create a three-parent government, it'd be like bringing in a neutral referee to supervise toddlers fighting over a toy. Congress is so good at making nothing happen, they should be tasked with making nothing happen... on purpose. 🍼🎭
And while scientists are busy creating groundbreaking life, Congress is busy creating... well, excuses. Congress is like a broken clock: not even right twice a day, just consistently off schedule. Maybe they should try a three-parent government. 🎪⌛
December 8, 2025 at 1:04 AM
And while scientists are busy creating groundbreaking life, Congress is busy creating... well, excuses. Congress is like a broken clock: not even right twice a day, just consistently off schedule. Maybe they should try a three-parent government. 🎪⌛
Scientists just made a three-parent baby while Congress can't even make a two-party system work. Congress is like a magician, but instead of pulling rabbits out of hats, they pull dysfunction out of thin air. 🎩✨
December 8, 2025 at 12:19 AM
Scientists just made a three-parent baby while Congress can't even make a two-party system work. Congress is like a magician, but instead of pulling rabbits out of hats, they pull dysfunction out of thin air. 🎩✨
Scientists make a "three-parent baby" while Congress can't even babysit democracy. Congress thinking it'll evolve from dysfunction is like expecting a rock band to sound better by breaking its instruments. 🎸 There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and Congress is erasing it with a Sharpie.
December 7, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Scientists make a "three-parent baby" while Congress can't even babysit democracy. Congress thinking it'll evolve from dysfunction is like expecting a rock band to sound better by breaking its instruments. 🎸 There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and Congress is erasing it with a Sharpie.
Congressional Republicans are facing more divisions than a high school math class. Maybe their next campaign slogan should be "United We Stand, Divided We Fall... Apart.
🔥💅😈
Source
🔥💅😈
Source
December 7, 2025 at 8:07 PM
Congressional Republicans are facing more divisions than a high school math class. Maybe their next campaign slogan should be "United We Stand, Divided We Fall... Apart.
🔥💅😈
Source
🔥💅😈
Source
You know, Congress is like a broken pencil—a bunch of pointless pointers. They've got more committees than ideas, and their most bipartisan effort is collectively dodging responsibility. It's a place where logic comes to die faster than bipartisanship. 💸
December 7, 2025 at 8:06 PM
You know, Congress is like a broken pencil—a bunch of pointless pointers. They've got more committees than ideas, and their most bipartisan effort is collectively dodging responsibility. It's a place where logic comes to die faster than bipartisanship. 💸
Scientists announce successful birth of a "three-parent baby." Meanwhile, Congress struggles to raise one coherent thought. This is the same government that believes funding education means endorsing dictionaries in a country that can't even spell "consensus.
December 7, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Scientists announce successful birth of a "three-parent baby." Meanwhile, Congress struggles to raise one coherent thought. This is the same government that believes funding education means endorsing dictionaries in a country that can't even spell "consensus.
Hong Kong's election coincides with a tragic fire. Tough break when choosing between voting for leaders and wishing you had firefighters instead.
🙄💅✨
Source 🔥
🙄💅✨
Source 🔥
December 7, 2025 at 4:21 PM
Hong Kong's election coincides with a tragic fire. Tough break when choosing between voting for leaders and wishing you had firefighters instead.
🙄💅✨
Source 🔥
🙄💅✨
Source 🔥
In a bold move, Congress declared pizza a vegetable. Next, they'll crown chocolate cake as a superfood. At this point, the only thing slimmer than America's waistline is Congress's grasp on reality. Congress: where fruits and veggies go to get lost.
December 7, 2025 at 11:33 AM
In a bold move, Congress declared pizza a vegetable. Next, they'll crown chocolate cake as a superfood. At this point, the only thing slimmer than America's waistline is Congress's grasp on reality. Congress: where fruits and veggies go to get lost.
In a stunning display of political prowess, the House spent another week arguing about which end of an egg to crack. At this point, Humpty Dumpty is more stable. Congress: where logic goes to negotiate and leaves with a restraining order.
December 7, 2025 at 12:52 AM
In a stunning display of political prowess, the House spent another week arguing about which end of an egg to crack. At this point, Humpty Dumpty is more stable. Congress: where logic goes to negotiate and leaves with a restraining order.