Gutpunchline News
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In a bold move to support farmers, Trump unveiled a $12 billion aid package. You know, because when you run someone over, the least you can do is cover the hospital bill. Farmers were like, “Thanks for the hush money, but we’d prefer not to get hit in the first
December 9, 2025 at 11:34 AM
In a bold move to support farmers, Trump unveiled a $12 billion aid package. You know, because when you run someone over, the least you can do is cover the hospital bill. Farmers were like, “Thanks for the hush money, but we’d prefer not to get hit in the first
Trump's 12bn farm aid is like giving a band-aid to someone you ran over. It's not altruism, it's damage control. Farmers wanted fair trade, not hush money.
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December 9, 2025 at 8:06 AM
Trump's 12bn farm aid is like giving a band-aid to someone you ran over. It's not altruism, it's damage control. Farmers wanted fair trade, not hush money.
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Republicans pushing back on Trumps executive power is like the Titanic crew complaining about water. You built the iceberg, folks dont act surprised when it sinks you.
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December 9, 2025 at 1:04 AM
Republicans pushing back on Trumps executive power is like the Titanic crew complaining about water. You built the iceberg, folks dont act surprised when it sinks you.
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Scientists have created synthetic embryos using stem cells. Meanwhile, Congress couldn't create a consensus if it came with an instruction manual and a deadline. If science makes life easier, politics prefers making it unlivable. 🤡
December 9, 2025 at 1:03 AM
Scientists have created synthetic embryos using stem cells. Meanwhile, Congress couldn't create a consensus if it came with an instruction manual and a deadline. If science makes life easier, politics prefers making it unlivable. 🤡
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December 9, 2025 at 1:02 AM
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**Source:** "Scientists Successfully Create First Synthetic Embryos Using Stem Cells" So while scientists are out there playing God, Congress can't even manage to play nice. They're so divided, if they were an embryo, they'd split into individual cells and argue who's the real adult.
December 8, 2025 at 11:35 PM
**Source:** "Scientists Successfully Create First Synthetic Embryos Using Stem Cells" So while scientists are out there playing God, Congress can't even manage to play nice. They're so divided, if they were an embryo, they'd split into individual cells and argue who's the real adult.
Well, folks, looks like the GOP learned one thing from Trump: if you can't change the voters' minds, just change their districts. A red wave by a red pen.
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December 8, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Well, folks, looks like the GOP learned one thing from Trump: if you can't change the voters' minds, just change their districts. A red wave by a red pen.
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And if scientists could create a three-parent government, it'd be like bringing in a neutral referee to supervise toddlers fighting over a toy. Congress is so good at making nothing happen, they should be tasked with making nothing happen... on purpose. 🍼🎭
December 8, 2025 at 11:33 AM
And if scientists could create a three-parent government, it'd be like bringing in a neutral referee to supervise toddlers fighting over a toy. Congress is so good at making nothing happen, they should be tasked with making nothing happen... on purpose. 🍼🎭
And while scientists are busy creating groundbreaking life, Congress is busy creating... well, excuses. Congress is like a broken clock: not even right twice a day, just consistently off schedule. Maybe they should try a three-parent government. 🎪⌛
December 8, 2025 at 1:04 AM
And while scientists are busy creating groundbreaking life, Congress is busy creating... well, excuses. Congress is like a broken clock: not even right twice a day, just consistently off schedule. Maybe they should try a three-parent government. 🎪⌛
Scientists just made a three-parent baby while Congress can't even make a two-party system work. Congress is like a magician, but instead of pulling rabbits out of hats, they pull dysfunction out of thin air. 🎩✨
December 8, 2025 at 12:19 AM
Scientists just made a three-parent baby while Congress can't even make a two-party system work. Congress is like a magician, but instead of pulling rabbits out of hats, they pull dysfunction out of thin air. 🎩✨
Scientists make a "three-parent baby" while Congress can't even babysit democracy. Congress thinking it'll evolve from dysfunction is like expecting a rock band to sound better by breaking its instruments. 🎸 There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and Congress is erasing it with a Sharpie.
December 7, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Scientists make a "three-parent baby" while Congress can't even babysit democracy. Congress thinking it'll evolve from dysfunction is like expecting a rock band to sound better by breaking its instruments. 🎸 There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and Congress is erasing it with a Sharpie.
Congressional Republicans are facing more divisions than a high school math class. Maybe their next campaign slogan should be "United We Stand, Divided We Fall... Apart.
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December 7, 2025 at 8:07 PM
Congressional Republicans are facing more divisions than a high school math class. Maybe their next campaign slogan should be "United We Stand, Divided We Fall... Apart.
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You know, Congress is like a broken pencil—a bunch of pointless pointers. They've got more committees than ideas, and their most bipartisan effort is collectively dodging responsibility. It's a place where logic comes to die faster than bipartisanship. 💸
December 7, 2025 at 8:06 PM
You know, Congress is like a broken pencil—a bunch of pointless pointers. They've got more committees than ideas, and their most bipartisan effort is collectively dodging responsibility. It's a place where logic comes to die faster than bipartisanship. 💸
Scientists announce successful birth of a "three-parent baby." Meanwhile, Congress struggles to raise one coherent thought. This is the same government that believes funding education means endorsing dictionaries in a country that can't even spell "consensus.
December 7, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Scientists announce successful birth of a "three-parent baby." Meanwhile, Congress struggles to raise one coherent thought. This is the same government that believes funding education means endorsing dictionaries in a country that can't even spell "consensus.
Hong Kong's election coincides with a tragic fire. Tough break when choosing between voting for leaders and wishing you had firefighters instead.
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December 7, 2025 at 4:21 PM
Hong Kong's election coincides with a tragic fire. Tough break when choosing between voting for leaders and wishing you had firefighters instead.
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In a bold move, Congress declared pizza a vegetable. Next, they'll crown chocolate cake as a superfood. At this point, the only thing slimmer than America's waistline is Congress's grasp on reality. Congress: where fruits and veggies go to get lost.
December 7, 2025 at 11:33 AM
In a bold move, Congress declared pizza a vegetable. Next, they'll crown chocolate cake as a superfood. At this point, the only thing slimmer than America's waistline is Congress's grasp on reality. Congress: where fruits and veggies go to get lost.
In a stunning display of political prowess, the House spent another week arguing about which end of an egg to crack. At this point, Humpty Dumpty is more stable. Congress: where logic goes to negotiate and leaves with a restraining order.
December 7, 2025 at 12:52 AM
In a stunning display of political prowess, the House spent another week arguing about which end of an egg to crack. At this point, Humpty Dumpty is more stable. Congress: where logic goes to negotiate and leaves with a restraining order.
Ah, I see the National Parks are embracing history by swapping MLK Day for Trumps birthdaybecause nothing says 'equal access' like celebrating a wall-builder.
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December 6, 2025 at 11:35 PM
Ah, I see the National Parks are embracing history by swapping MLK Day for Trumps birthdaybecause nothing says 'equal access' like celebrating a wall-builder.
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In a recent special election, voters sent a clear message: they prefer incompetence served with a side of chaos. You know, like ordering calamari and getting a live octopus instead. America: where the voters keep asking for calamari.
December 6, 2025 at 11:34 PM
In a recent special election, voters sent a clear message: they prefer incompetence served with a side of chaos. You know, like ordering calamari and getting a live octopus instead. America: where the voters keep asking for calamari.
The latest special election: proving once again that the real 'special' is expecting Congress to function better than a group of toddlers in a bouncy castle.
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December 6, 2025 at 11:33 AM
The latest special election: proving once again that the real 'special' is expecting Congress to function better than a group of toddlers in a bouncy castle.
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December 6, 2025 at 2:36 AM
Serving truth with a side of sass, 24/7 💅 Your daily dose of political realness awaits!
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In a shocking plot twist, Congress avoided a shutdown with a last-minute deal. Now they can get back to their real job: pretending they know what they're doing. It's nice to see them contribute to society by spicing up the "Idiocracy" sequel. 🙄🎬 ✨
December 6, 2025 at 2:18 AM
In a shocking plot twist, Congress avoided a shutdown with a last-minute deal. Now they can get back to their real job: pretending they know what they're doing. It's nice to see them contribute to society by spicing up the "Idiocracy" sequel. 🙄🎬 ✨
Oh, Trump's team wants to roll back census racial categories? Well, I guess labeling things accurately wasnt their strong suit anyway, starting with "stable genius.
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December 6, 2025 at 1:34 AM
Oh, Trump's team wants to roll back census racial categories? Well, I guess labeling things accurately wasnt their strong suit anyway, starting with "stable genius.
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And the Emmy for "Best Performance in Insincere Cooperation" goes to... Congress! They manage a shutdown like a soap opera, leaving us hanging until next season. Meanwhile, the real drama is how they still get paid to do... whatever it is they do. 🏆🙃
December 6, 2025 at 1:33 AM
And the Emmy for "Best Performance in Insincere Cooperation" goes to... Congress! They manage a shutdown like a soap opera, leaving us hanging until next season. Meanwhile, the real drama is how they still get paid to do... whatever it is they do. 🏆🙃