legend says NATIVE ELFBOY may actually be BABY ELFBOY, who stole SCIENTIST ELFBOY’s time machine to escape his mom
aiming for a post-apocalyptic future, he mistakenly landed in prehistory, forcing him to live through the rise of humanity
#elfboy
legend says NATIVE ELFBOY may actually be BABY ELFBOY, who stole SCIENTIST ELFBOY’s time machine to escape his mom
aiming for a post-apocalyptic future, he mistakenly landed in prehistory, forcing him to live through the rise of humanity
#elfboy
biological parents: BABYSITTER ELFBOY + OFFICER ELFBOY
parents met when OFFICER ELFBOY arrested BABYSITTER ELFBOY for kidnapping CAT ELFBOY from her mother GILF ELFBOY
#elfboy #babyelfboy
biological parents: BABYSITTER ELFBOY + OFFICER ELFBOY
parents met when OFFICER ELFBOY arrested BABYSITTER ELFBOY for kidnapping CAT ELFBOY from her mother GILF ELFBOY
#elfboy #babyelfboy
whatever he fucks becomes sentient. pillows, vegetables, doesn’t matter
he uses a scratching post carved from the spines of ELFBOY transformations
he drinks milk straight from the source: his own nipples
#elfboy #catelfboy
whatever he fucks becomes sentient. pillows, vegetables, doesn’t matter
he uses a scratching post carved from the spines of ELFBOY transformations
he drinks milk straight from the source: his own nipples
#elfboy #catelfboy
behind the scenes is a man whispering ‘please god let this go viral so my family finally notices me’
a byproduct of three tabs of acid and a pathological need to be misunderstood
#elfboy #milfelfboy
behind the scenes is a man whispering ‘please god let this go viral so my family finally notices me’
a byproduct of three tabs of acid and a pathological need to be misunderstood
#elfboy #milfelfboy
i can’t reach rock bottom because i can’t reach anything
four limbs down
they said i couldn’t stand for anything. so i sat for everything
#elfboy #amputeeelfboy
i can’t reach rock bottom because i can’t reach anything
four limbs down
they said i couldn’t stand for anything. so i sat for everything
#elfboy #amputeeelfboy
middle-earth foot massage 101
legolas does this everyday
dobby too
#elfboy #elfboyvsfeet
middle-earth foot massage 101
legolas does this everyday
dobby too
#elfboy #elfboyvsfeet
bloodwork came back positive for bankruptcy
each iv bag comes with a complimentary reminder of poverty
they gave me a hospital bracelet and a lifelong debt fetish
i asked what was due and they said yes
#elfboy #cancerelfboy
bloodwork came back positive for bankruptcy
each iv bag comes with a complimentary reminder of poverty
they gave me a hospital bracelet and a lifelong debt fetish
i asked what was due and they said yes
#elfboy #cancerelfboy
a color for when you want to pretend you’re not poor
why process pent-up rage when you can bedazzle it
all gold everything, including the rash on my
somewhere under all this gold is a person who once ate paper clips to feel something
#elfboy #goldelfboy
a color for when you want to pretend you’re not poor
why process pent-up rage when you can bedazzle it
all gold everything, including the rash on my
somewhere under all this gold is a person who once ate paper clips to feel something
#elfboy #goldelfboy
if i flip this burger twelve times rebecca will love me again
told my son i’m proud of him. he said ‘thanks’ then i woke up
i put the ‘father’ in ‘why did you leave’
love language = silent car rides
you smell that? it’s divorce
#elfboy #dilfelfboy
if i flip this burger twelve times rebecca will love me again
told my son i’m proud of him. he said ‘thanks’ then i woke up
i put the ‘father’ in ‘why did you leave’
love language = silent car rides
you smell that? it’s divorce
#elfboy #dilfelfboy
you call it schizophrenia. i call it schizophrenia. this is schizophrenia.
legolas’s unemployed cousin who DJs in mordor
(real talk: the early transformations were phoned-in. i didn’t take this seriously until patriot)
#elfboy #silverelfboy
you call it schizophrenia. i call it schizophrenia. this is schizophrenia.
legolas’s unemployed cousin who DJs in mordor
(real talk: the early transformations were phoned-in. i didn’t take this seriously until patriot)
#elfboy #silverelfboy
dress for the coffin you’ve been manifesting since birth
powered by folgers and crushed dreams
REPLY ALL ONE MORE TIME TRACY SEE WHAT HAPPENS
just one powerpoint away from powerpointing this gun
office supply request: 1 rope + 1 beam
#elfboy #cubicleelfboy
dress for the coffin you’ve been manifesting since birth
powered by folgers and crushed dreams
REPLY ALL ONE MORE TIME TRACY SEE WHAT HAPPENS
just one powerpoint away from powerpointing this gun
office supply request: 1 rope + 1 beam
#elfboy #cubicleelfboy
food so good it makes u forget ur dead inside
this dessert is smoked, just like my childhood
if you can taste the depression add more salt
my signature dish is undercooked boundaries
cooking for two, eating for one, crying for three
#elfboy #chefelfboy
food so good it makes u forget ur dead inside
this dessert is smoked, just like my childhood
if you can taste the depression add more salt
my signature dish is undercooked boundaries
cooking for two, eating for one, crying for three
#elfboy #chefelfboy
merrill lynch me harder, bitch
literal trickle-down economics
success is measured in orgasms per quarter
wake up at 5am. meditate. snort coke
i expect to see 20% growth assuming i don’t OD in ten minutes
#elfboy #ceoelfboy
merrill lynch me harder, bitch
literal trickle-down economics
success is measured in orgasms per quarter
wake up at 5am. meditate. snort coke
i expect to see 20% growth assuming i don’t OD in ten minutes
#elfboy #ceoelfboy
turning “hail mary” into “rail mary.”
lighting candles just to melt them on my tits
they tried to burn him at the stake but he brought marshmallows
say three hail marys and spank yourself
forgive me father, for I have absolutely SLUTTED
#elfboy #nunelfboy
turning “hail mary” into “rail mary.”
lighting candles just to melt them on my tits
they tried to burn him at the stake but he brought marshmallows
say three hail marys and spank yourself
forgive me father, for I have absolutely SLUTTED
#elfboy #nunelfboy
the guest list is shorter now
til death did us part
every bride wants a killer dress
my vows were short: DIE BITCH
the wedding playlist skipped to screams lol so weird
didn’t feel like curing my crippling abandonment issues
#elfboy #brideelfboy
the guest list is shorter now
til death did us part
every bride wants a killer dress
my vows were short: DIE BITCH
the wedding playlist skipped to screams lol so weird
didn’t feel like curing my crippling abandonment issues
#elfboy #brideelfboy
coming soon to ruin thanksgiving
if empathy was a felony i’d be serving life
fell down a marxist rabbit hole and emerged bisexual and 100% correct
if tiktok and portland had a lovechild and it survived the abortion
#elfboy #libtardelfboy
coming soon to ruin thanksgiving
if empathy was a felony i’d be serving life
fell down a marxist rabbit hole and emerged bisexual and 100% correct
if tiktok and portland had a lovechild and it survived the abortion
#elfboy #libtardelfboy
he doesn’t believe in climate change, but he does believe the moon landing was gay
punches trees if they look ‘too european’
only shoots blanks unless he’s inside his cousin
healthcare is for cowards
#elfboy #conservatardelfboy
he doesn’t believe in climate change, but he does believe the moon landing was gay
punches trees if they look ‘too european’
only shoots blanks unless he’s inside his cousin
healthcare is for cowards
#elfboy #conservatardelfboy
horsepower: 1
barn’s full of hay, but he still feels empty
he makes butter scream
cornfield rave, BYO pitchfork
banned from the barn dance for feeding goats LSD
he’s the reason the hay bales scream at night
#elfboy #amishelfboy
horsepower: 1
barn’s full of hay, but he still feels empty
he makes butter scream
cornfield rave, BYO pitchfork
banned from the barn dance for feeding goats LSD
he’s the reason the hay bales scream at night
#elfboy #amishelfboy
ELFBOY’s babysitting service: now with 0% background checks
babysitter rating: 5 stars, 9 arrests, 6 identity changes
nap time’s easy when you chloroform yourself
i cook one meal, and i cook it well. meth
#elfboy #babysitterelfboy
ELFBOY’s babysitting service: now with 0% background checks
babysitter rating: 5 stars, 9 arrests, 6 identity changes
nap time’s easy when you chloroform yourself
i cook one meal, and i cook it well. meth
#elfboy #babysitterelfboy
oh wow, you pay rent?
oh wow, four walls?
mine burned down before it existed
beds are cringe
mortgage due? i must’ve missed my invitation to slavery
who needs housing when despair is free?
#elfboy #homelesselfboy
oh wow, you pay rent?
oh wow, four walls?
mine burned down before it existed
beds are cringe
mortgage due? i must’ve missed my invitation to slavery
who needs housing when despair is free?
#elfboy #homelesselfboy
my precinct is middle-earth
i uphold the law the same way I uphold an erection. with tremendous difficulty
internal affairs tried to investigate me so i ate them
our precinct motto: oops
#elfboy #officerelfboy
my precinct is middle-earth
i uphold the law the same way I uphold an erection. with tremendous difficulty
internal affairs tried to investigate me so i ate them
our precinct motto: oops
#elfboy #officerelfboy
fifty states of grey
ELFBOY's guide to patriotism. step 1: confuse. step 2: confuse
the only bipartisan agreement here is that they’re both into it
boundaries? never heard of her
#elfboy #patriotelfboy
fifty states of grey
ELFBOY's guide to patriotism. step 1: confuse. step 2: confuse
the only bipartisan agreement here is that they’re both into it
boundaries? never heard of her
#elfboy #patriotelfboy
a love letter written in gasoline
lube for the apocalypse
it came out sideways, screaming
#elfboy
a love letter written in gasoline
lube for the apocalypse
it came out sideways, screaming
#elfboy
hot flash? more like hot trash
she’s got arthritis in her back and rage in her pussy
she’s the reason viagra is on backorder
has 99 problems and every single one is a dead husband
#elfboy #gilfelfboy
hot flash? more like hot trash
she’s got arthritis in her back and rage in her pussy
she’s the reason viagra is on backorder
has 99 problems and every single one is a dead husband
#elfboy #gilfelfboy
cat-elf cosplay or mental illness? yes.
he once stared into the abyss and the abyss bought him tuna
he licks his own asshole and judges you for your life choices
he purrs, he plots, he pisses in a box
#elfboy #catelfboy
cat-elf cosplay or mental illness? yes.
he once stared into the abyss and the abyss bought him tuna
he licks his own asshole and judges you for your life choices
he purrs, he plots, he pisses in a box
#elfboy #catelfboy