A. W.
@dutchbutch.bsky.social
A mildly neurodivergent cishet demisexual in her 40s. Recovering from fearful-avoidant attachment, limerence, and codependency.
My nipples are quite sensitive this week (been touched, squeezed, and sucked quite a bit last weekend) and they are delightful. Teasing and denial is my kink but I think my bf is too horny to make me wait lol
January 20, 2026 at 12:18 PM
My nipples are quite sensitive this week (been touched, squeezed, and sucked quite a bit last weekend) and they are delightful. Teasing and denial is my kink but I think my bf is too horny to make me wait lol
Adversarial it is. I don’t care about your arbitrary rules anymore. Let me fuck my love where I want. If you have a problem with that take the kids 50/50 and buy me out. I’ll gladly move out of the “matrimonial” home.
January 4, 2026 at 3:04 AM
Adversarial it is. I don’t care about your arbitrary rules anymore. Let me fuck my love where I want. If you have a problem with that take the kids 50/50 and buy me out. I’ll gladly move out of the “matrimonial” home.
2025 was the year I explored and expanded my sex life with determination. I've purchased and used some toys previously, but by meeting other people and eventually settling into another relationship, I learned what I like, and gotten so much more comfortable in my skin. My bf calls it confidence.
January 1, 2026 at 11:54 PM
2025 was the year I explored and expanded my sex life with determination. I've purchased and used some toys previously, but by meeting other people and eventually settling into another relationship, I learned what I like, and gotten so much more comfortable in my skin. My bf calls it confidence.
He is an avoidant and I’m a fearful-avoidant (a mess really) but somehow we are quite secure. He does confess his anxiety (“Waiting for the other shoe to drop”) and premonitions come up in my mind (“Anyone can leave you at any time. Don’t get attached.”). Nothing’s set in stone but we keep trying.
December 28, 2025 at 4:31 AM
He is an avoidant and I’m a fearful-avoidant (a mess really) but somehow we are quite secure. He does confess his anxiety (“Waiting for the other shoe to drop”) and premonitions come up in my mind (“Anyone can leave you at any time. Don’t get attached.”). Nothing’s set in stone but we keep trying.
His peen isn’t the hardest, but it is deeply satisfying to feel his girth and pronounced head deep inside. Playing with my mustang, harness, and a grinder is also super fun. “We should have sex like lesbians do” is a great quote of his, too. That’s the right attitude! My sex life improved greatly.
December 26, 2025 at 1:44 AM
His peen isn’t the hardest, but it is deeply satisfying to feel his girth and pronounced head deep inside. Playing with my mustang, harness, and a grinder is also super fun. “We should have sex like lesbians do” is a great quote of his, too. That’s the right attitude! My sex life improved greatly.
Christmas gift from my bf was a custom made paddle. He went for a big and heavy one and the impact is substantial. He isn’t hitting me hard at all, but the repetition builds up pain so quickly. I have not known that I sweat in response to sharp pain. The heat coming up in a min or so is amazing.
December 26, 2025 at 1:37 AM
Christmas gift from my bf was a custom made paddle. He went for a big and heavy one and the impact is substantial. He isn’t hitting me hard at all, but the repetition builds up pain so quickly. I have not known that I sweat in response to sharp pain. The heat coming up in a min or so is amazing.
Reddit now limits the ability to view past posts and comments - useless as a meet-up site for me. I’m glad I met someone secure before this change.
December 6, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Reddit now limits the ability to view past posts and comments - useless as a meet-up site for me. I’m glad I met someone secure before this change.
Last night what “aroused” means finally hit me. Oh this is me aroused. I can totally come multiple times when I am this aroused. It just throbs and has its own agenda. This is how my engorged clitoris feels.
& realizing none of my previous partners had me get here. Not entirely on them, but still.
& realizing none of my previous partners had me get here. Not entirely on them, but still.
December 6, 2025 at 9:21 PM
Last night what “aroused” means finally hit me. Oh this is me aroused. I can totally come multiple times when I am this aroused. It just throbs and has its own agenda. This is how my engorged clitoris feels.
& realizing none of my previous partners had me get here. Not entirely on them, but still.
& realizing none of my previous partners had me get here. Not entirely on them, but still.
We were planning on absolutely-kid-friendly meeting for once but that did not happen. Impromptu session during daytime at a nearby hotel instead. We had no toys or anything but it was so good. Learning the other’s body and mind is so fun.
December 4, 2025 at 6:51 PM
We were planning on absolutely-kid-friendly meeting for once but that did not happen. Impromptu session during daytime at a nearby hotel instead. We had no toys or anything but it was so good. Learning the other’s body and mind is so fun.
I like being spanked a lot more than I expected. Tomorrow night it might not be feasible to get spanked, though, so now I’m trying lots of butt workouts (lunges, squats, bridges, etc) to have a sore butt without getting spanked. I’m gonna commission a wooden paddle as well.
November 27, 2025 at 7:21 PM
I like being spanked a lot more than I expected. Tomorrow night it might not be feasible to get spanked, though, so now I’m trying lots of butt workouts (lunges, squats, bridges, etc) to have a sore butt without getting spanked. I’m gonna commission a wooden paddle as well.
The other fwb messaged me back, saying I am a good person and I deserve it (an LTR). Slightly surprised to hear that. I was drawn to him quite a bit (because we are broken in similar ways, with different talents) but the interactions were limited and that was frustrating for me. I wish him well.
I ended things with the rest via texts. Now that I know I find it hard no to pity fuck once I’m alone in private places, I am not risking it. Once was enough.
We are meeting almost every weekend now and I wonder what we’ll do when he fully switches to co parenting. That’s another day tho
We are meeting almost every weekend now and I wonder what we’ll do when he fully switches to co parenting. That’s another day tho
To make it “just a little hiccup,” I overextended yet again. Old habits die hard indeed. Emotional upheaval is upon me today.
November 21, 2025 at 9:07 AM
The other fwb messaged me back, saying I am a good person and I deserve it (an LTR). Slightly surprised to hear that. I was drawn to him quite a bit (because we are broken in similar ways, with different talents) but the interactions were limited and that was frustrating for me. I wish him well.
I ended things with the rest via texts. Now that I know I find it hard no to pity fuck once I’m alone in private places, I am not risking it. Once was enough.
We are meeting almost every weekend now and I wonder what we’ll do when he fully switches to co parenting. That’s another day tho
We are meeting almost every weekend now and I wonder what we’ll do when he fully switches to co parenting. That’s another day tho
To make it “just a little hiccup,” I overextended yet again. Old habits die hard indeed. Emotional upheaval is upon me today.
It ended. The timing turned out to be really bad for him, but he is not one to complain about that. He was just so overwhelmed and numb I felt so sorry and just so sad about his (other, unrelated to me) situation. We did end up going through our usual routine with just a little hiccup.
November 21, 2025 at 3:33 AM
I ended things with the rest via texts. Now that I know I find it hard no to pity fuck once I’m alone in private places, I am not risking it. Once was enough.
We are meeting almost every weekend now and I wonder what we’ll do when he fully switches to co parenting. That’s another day tho
We are meeting almost every weekend now and I wonder what we’ll do when he fully switches to co parenting. That’s another day tho
Disorganized attachment is constantly worrying about not getting loved and wanting reassurance while at the exact same time searching for an alternative just because I don’t think this absolutely fine relationship would last.
November 16, 2025 at 9:09 PM
Disorganized attachment is constantly worrying about not getting loved and wanting reassurance while at the exact same time searching for an alternative just because I don’t think this absolutely fine relationship would last.
To make it “just a little hiccup,” I overextended yet again. Old habits die hard indeed. Emotional upheaval is upon me today.
It ended. The timing turned out to be really bad for him, but he is not one to complain about that. He was just so overwhelmed and numb I felt so sorry and just so sad about his (other, unrelated to me) situation. We did end up going through our usual routine with just a little hiccup.
I am meeting him tomorrow and no idea how it would unfold. We’ve had a nice routine so far- eat casually, cuddle a bit, then get to action and cuddle more. I’ll likely tell him during the casual phase that I won’t be back. Then how each of us would feel? Not easy to predict for me.
November 16, 2025 at 9:06 PM
To make it “just a little hiccup,” I overextended yet again. Old habits die hard indeed. Emotional upheaval is upon me today.
It ended. The timing turned out to be really bad for him, but he is not one to complain about that. He was just so overwhelmed and numb I felt so sorry and just so sad about his (other, unrelated to me) situation. We did end up going through our usual routine with just a little hiccup.
I am meeting him tomorrow and no idea how it would unfold. We’ve had a nice routine so far- eat casually, cuddle a bit, then get to action and cuddle more. I’ll likely tell him during the casual phase that I won’t be back. Then how each of us would feel? Not easy to predict for me.
From the beginning I was afraid to lose him and that was why I never asked for clarification. He might have sensed it too- thus confiscation ensued. We have created a wonderful space between us, but my fear was always there. Even with fear it was an enchanting space but it is time to end.
November 16, 2025 at 1:08 AM
It ended. The timing turned out to be really bad for him, but he is not one to complain about that. He was just so overwhelmed and numb I felt so sorry and just so sad about his (other, unrelated to me) situation. We did end up going through our usual routine with just a little hiccup.
I am meeting him tomorrow and no idea how it would unfold. We’ve had a nice routine so far- eat casually, cuddle a bit, then get to action and cuddle more. I’ll likely tell him during the casual phase that I won’t be back. Then how each of us would feel? Not easy to predict for me.
From the beginning I was afraid to lose him and that was why I never asked for clarification. He might have sensed it too- thus confiscation ensued. We have created a wonderful space between us, but my fear was always there. Even with fear it was an enchanting space but it is time to end.
Honestly I am still trying to play it cool. Just be honest and tell the whole story. He will get some idea when I share how I met 4 and how it’s going. If he asks, answer honestly. If he doesn’t, tell him I won’t be coming back before leaving. This was an arrangement in the end.
November 14, 2025 at 8:39 PM
I am meeting him tomorrow and no idea how it would unfold. We’ve had a nice routine so far- eat casually, cuddle a bit, then get to action and cuddle more. I’ll likely tell him during the casual phase that I won’t be back. Then how each of us would feel? Not easy to predict for me.
Now I try acknowledging, noting as needed, and letting go of my impulses instead of trying to suppress or change them, mostly out of shame.
Today I had three: suddenly wanting to seduce 4’s single friend, recounting my future adventures in the city to 1, and pointing out 4’s tendency to give.
Today I had three: suddenly wanting to seduce 4’s single friend, recounting my future adventures in the city to 1, and pointing out 4’s tendency to give.
Maybe I was an open book, while the partners I’d met had not been, so I had to wish so hard. Or maybe I was so insecure to the point of being blind, almost. Either way, I am at an unexpected place, in an uncharted territory, but feeling almost secure.
November 12, 2025 at 3:28 AM
Now I try acknowledging, noting as needed, and letting go of my impulses instead of trying to suppress or change them, mostly out of shame.
Today I had three: suddenly wanting to seduce 4’s single friend, recounting my future adventures in the city to 1, and pointing out 4’s tendency to give.
Today I had three: suddenly wanting to seduce 4’s single friend, recounting my future adventures in the city to 1, and pointing out 4’s tendency to give.
From the beginning I was afraid to lose him and that was why I never asked for clarification. He might have sensed it too- thus confiscation ensued. We have created a wonderful space between us, but my fear was always there. Even with fear it was an enchanting space but it is time to end.
Honestly I am still trying to play it cool. Just be honest and tell the whole story. He will get some idea when I share how I met 4 and how it’s going. If he asks, answer honestly. If he doesn’t, tell him I won’t be coming back before leaving. This was an arrangement in the end.
November 11, 2025 at 4:32 AM
From the beginning I was afraid to lose him and that was why I never asked for clarification. He might have sensed it too- thus confiscation ensued. We have created a wonderful space between us, but my fear was always there. Even with fear it was an enchanting space but it is time to end.
1 came back to me after 2.5 days of silence. After talking to my therapist I asked if we could meet this weekend (to end things) and he will let me know by Wed. Now that it might be really happening, I have to plan when and how I’ll break the news and my mind just turns. So hard to stop it.
His inconsistent messaging habit continues ofc and I am reminded that I can’t continue like this. I don’t have to presume anything else about his life- it is simply not working for me. And this is easier for me to say because 4 is pursuing me.
November 11, 2025 at 1:27 AM
1 came back to me after 2.5 days of silence. After talking to my therapist I asked if we could meet this weekend (to end things) and he will let me know by Wed. Now that it might be really happening, I have to plan when and how I’ll break the news and my mind just turns. So hard to stop it.
I wake up almost every morning with a similar longing. Maybe being fucked a lil more roughly.
Five in the morning, and all I want is to be pinned beneath someone bigger and stronger than me, used so gently and sweetly you'd never know that each thrust aches like a beautiful bruise, and told in a voice barely hanging onto control that I am the best they've ever had.
November 10, 2025 at 12:00 AM
I wake up almost every morning with a similar longing. Maybe being fucked a lil more roughly.
So 2 is out and I will cut ties with 1 at the earliest possible moment. 3 is an arrangement and 4 wants an exclusive romantic relationship with me.
And here I’m thinking if it is “exclusively romantic” or “exclusive sexually” and also “romantic” 🤔 Former means 3 is on, latter means 3 should go.
And here I’m thinking if it is “exclusively romantic” or “exclusive sexually” and also “romantic” 🤔 Former means 3 is on, latter means 3 should go.
1 has the best peen. Beautiful and addictive.
2 made me cum for the first time with a partner.
3 feeds me heavenly meals and drinks.
4 likes to date and is willing to show affection in public space.
So in a way I am dividing up my wants and needs between many people.
2 made me cum for the first time with a partner.
3 feeds me heavenly meals and drinks.
4 likes to date and is willing to show affection in public space.
So in a way I am dividing up my wants and needs between many people.
November 9, 2025 at 5:53 AM
So 2 is out and I will cut ties with 1 at the earliest possible moment. 3 is an arrangement and 4 wants an exclusive romantic relationship with me.
And here I’m thinking if it is “exclusively romantic” or “exclusive sexually” and also “romantic” 🤔 Former means 3 is on, latter means 3 should go.
And here I’m thinking if it is “exclusively romantic” or “exclusive sexually” and also “romantic” 🤔 Former means 3 is on, latter means 3 should go.
As I am getting closer to 4, I was very seriously considering cutting 1 off. Now I have a more objective view on who he is (I used to be so smitten) I see his red flags. I wished for a different outcome but his ex is acting out the most disastrous scenario and I can’t say I am surprised.
My therapist comments that it is a very harsh boundary. I sorta agree, but would I have less problem that way? I am not sure. What degree of remote connection would I be satisfied with? Is this a rationalization or a legit concern?
Not sure it would help if he keeps up with me a little more regularly. It’s the contrast and discontinuity between the two modes that I find hard to get used to. He is so much better at compartmentalization, or I still fall for people way too easily. But it is the hangover that makes me anxious.
November 8, 2025 at 1:13 AM
As I am getting closer to 4, I was very seriously considering cutting 1 off. Now I have a more objective view on who he is (I used to be so smitten) I see his red flags. I wished for a different outcome but his ex is acting out the most disastrous scenario and I can’t say I am surprised.
We’ve been regularly keeping up and I have finally opened up to him meaningfully. My vulnerability was met by an empathetic yet honest response. He acknowledged the innate uncertainty of a relationship instead of sugarcoating or over-promising anything. My affection grew ten fold.
This new one I have no desire to chase. He is nice but not really attractive to me. We have good enough chemistry but I am already bothered by some of his antics. But he is self-aware and keeps up very regularly. For a demisexual that is a huge thing. But, he is not who I want. Or so I think.
November 5, 2025 at 2:59 AM
We’ve been regularly keeping up and I have finally opened up to him meaningfully. My vulnerability was met by an empathetic yet honest response. He acknowledged the innate uncertainty of a relationship instead of sugarcoating or over-promising anything. My affection grew ten fold.
Wanted to have a call with someone and at the scheduled time he’s at the gym. I don’t want to wait indefinitely. Blocked him even though I said “alright”
I showed up on time. You didn’t. Not a good start. You were sick last night and tonight you are hitting the gym. Live on your good life.
I showed up on time. You didn’t. Not a good start. You were sick last night and tonight you are hitting the gym. Live on your good life.
November 1, 2025 at 12:05 AM
Wanted to have a call with someone and at the scheduled time he’s at the gym. I don’t want to wait indefinitely. Blocked him even though I said “alright”
I showed up on time. You didn’t. Not a good start. You were sick last night and tonight you are hitting the gym. Live on your good life.
I showed up on time. You didn’t. Not a good start. You were sick last night and tonight you are hitting the gym. Live on your good life.
Finally tried this combination and it works. I don’t know how my a-spot works but it just works. Can’t come from it but it just releases something.. probably oxytocin. It’s almost magic lol
Time to add a grinder that can take a bullet. How much I’m spending in toys is bonkers this year lol
Time to add a grinder that can take a bullet. How much I’m spending in toys is bonkers this year lol
“Get a thigh harness for your Mustang and ride it on a pillow!”
October 31, 2025 at 6:52 PM
Finally tried this combination and it works. I don’t know how my a-spot works but it just works. Can’t come from it but it just releases something.. probably oxytocin. It’s almost magic lol
Time to add a grinder that can take a bullet. How much I’m spending in toys is bonkers this year lol
Time to add a grinder that can take a bullet. How much I’m spending in toys is bonkers this year lol