darkwise
@darkwise.bsky.social
Pinned
darkwise
@darkwise.bsky.social
· May 19
Just once, when a girl scout knocks, I want to open the door dressed as the Cookie Monster and go fucking nuts.
When the machines take over, they'd better make me their leader.
January 8, 2026 at 2:19 AM
When the machines take over, they'd better make me their leader.
I thought I gave the wiener dog his joint supplement. Turns out it was my uncle’s Viagra. The swelling was tremendous. The vet stared, horrified, then backed away as the dog began to growl. Whatever was happening was not listed under side effects.
January 8, 2026 at 1:38 AM
I thought I gave the wiener dog his joint supplement. Turns out it was my uncle’s Viagra. The swelling was tremendous. The vet stared, horrified, then backed away as the dog began to growl. Whatever was happening was not listed under side effects.
You hear it so often, but you know damned well a bull couldn't fit through a China shop door. You'd have to bring him in as a calf, raise him to full size, then let him choose violence after a lifetime of care.
January 7, 2026 at 4:59 PM
You hear it so often, but you know damned well a bull couldn't fit through a China shop door. You'd have to bring him in as a calf, raise him to full size, then let him choose violence after a lifetime of care.
Proverbs have nothing on critical thinking and root cause analysis.
January 7, 2026 at 4:58 PM
Proverbs have nothing on critical thinking and root cause analysis.
I went to 24 Hour Fitness last night, but only used 2 hours.
January 6, 2026 at 3:20 PM
I went to 24 Hour Fitness last night, but only used 2 hours.
If you work at Viagra, you never have to ask for a raise.
January 6, 2026 at 3:14 PM
If you work at Viagra, you never have to ask for a raise.
There's a monster under my death bed too.
January 6, 2026 at 3:11 PM
There's a monster under my death bed too.
We have a few things in common. I like the chocolates that come with nuts... and you are nuts.
January 6, 2026 at 2:34 AM
We have a few things in common. I like the chocolates that come with nuts... and you are nuts.
*adds you to my bucket list
January 5, 2026 at 6:09 PM
*adds you to my bucket list
You're so pretty. I cannot wait to see what you look like with your clothes ON.
January 5, 2026 at 2:53 AM
You're so pretty. I cannot wait to see what you look like with your clothes ON.
At this rate, I'm never going to finish building this evil lair.
January 5, 2026 at 12:19 AM
At this rate, I'm never going to finish building this evil lair.
I couldn't help but notice that your personality is a never-ending wall of gifs.
January 4, 2026 at 2:30 PM
I couldn't help but notice that your personality is a never-ending wall of gifs.
The walls wept at night, leaving dark trails that never dried. Doors opened into rooms that hadn’t been there before. Something in the attic dragged chains across the floorboards, but the landlord swore the house had no attic. We stayed until it noticed us.
January 4, 2026 at 2:29 PM
The walls wept at night, leaving dark trails that never dried. Doors opened into rooms that hadn’t been there before. Something in the attic dragged chains across the floorboards, but the landlord swore the house had no attic. We stayed until it noticed us.
In an alternate dimension, pigs are smashing hammers into their people banks to get to the coins inside.
January 4, 2026 at 2:09 PM
In an alternate dimension, pigs are smashing hammers into their people banks to get to the coins inside.
In the school’s Lost and Found, a box sat in the corner, never claimed. Inside, a single glove twitched when no one watched. By morning, whatever it sought was missing from the halls, and the box held something new, still warm, waiting for its match.
January 3, 2026 at 3:24 PM
In the school’s Lost and Found, a box sat in the corner, never claimed. Inside, a single glove twitched when no one watched. By morning, whatever it sought was missing from the halls, and the box held something new, still warm, waiting for its match.
I'm going back in time to start 2025 over. But I'm calling it 2026 so that no one gets suspicious.
January 2, 2026 at 8:53 PM
I'm going back in time to start 2025 over. But I'm calling it 2026 so that no one gets suspicious.
Finally getting around to taking my Christmas lights down... and putting them back in the neighbor's garage.
January 2, 2026 at 8:49 PM
Finally getting around to taking my Christmas lights down... and putting them back in the neighbor's garage.
The New Year arrived with a blank slate, a quiet shimmer in the air. At first it erased small things, a laugh, a scar, a favorite word. By dawn, faces blurred. By noon, limbs faded like smudged chalk. At midnight, only the slate remained, waiting for the next to wipe clean.
January 1, 2026 at 6:46 PM
The New Year arrived with a blank slate, a quiet shimmer in the air. At first it erased small things, a laugh, a scar, a favorite word. By dawn, faces blurred. By noon, limbs faded like smudged chalk. At midnight, only the slate remained, waiting for the next to wipe clean.
You need a Student-Driver sign for your personality.
January 1, 2026 at 6:42 PM
You need a Student-Driver sign for your personality.
She told me she's a good girl. I love when they lie.
January 1, 2026 at 6:15 PM
She told me she's a good girl. I love when they lie.
I wasn't born this way. I made myself this way... on purpose.
January 1, 2026 at 5:39 PM
I wasn't born this way. I made myself this way... on purpose.
Dear happiness,
Nevermind.
Anthony
Nevermind.
Anthony
January 1, 2026 at 5:36 PM
Dear happiness,
Nevermind.
Anthony
Nevermind.
Anthony
I'd wish you a happy new year, but I'd have to rent enough energy from someone else to commit to it.
January 1, 2026 at 5:29 PM
I'd wish you a happy new year, but I'd have to rent enough energy from someone else to commit to it.
The first birth of the new year came at midnight. The room fell silent as the infant slid into the world without a cry. Its eyes opened first, then its mouth, then something behind its mouth. The doctor stepped back, trembling. The baby was still unfolding.
December 31, 2025 at 3:40 PM
The first birth of the new year came at midnight. The room fell silent as the infant slid into the world without a cry. Its eyes opened first, then its mouth, then something behind its mouth. The doctor stepped back, trembling. The baby was still unfolding.
New Year’s resolutions are just last year’s regrets wearing a shitty disguise.
December 31, 2025 at 2:53 PM
New Year’s resolutions are just last year’s regrets wearing a shitty disguise.