Trying the “wrap a gift to look like another gift” strategy for today’s white elephant, keeping an eye on whoever picks this Cheesecake Factory gift card

They said it couldn’t be done, they said “you can’t make homemade cranberry sauce look like the inside of a can”…….. I showed them all……………

Enjoying the small moment of workplace solidarity where my boss uses our team’s meeting to try and sell us on AI and we spend 30 minutes clowning on him until he gets sad

Acting is just talking loudly. Timothee Chalamet should’ve talked louder, it would have been better

(Desperately trying to be topical voice)
Mark Zuckerbug is bae for this one!!

Rushing to board/exit a plane as fast as you can is peak Born Yesterday behavior. One of nature’s detectors for rubes and dingbats.

ME (2011): oh yea, join Twitter just so I can see what some asshole ate for lunch? No thanks

ME (2023): the only good thing left on Twitter is a DM group called Lunch Chat where we post our lunch & people respond “good lunch”

Working at IMDb has shown me how stark of an example that site is of commerce ruining a quality product. In 1993 it was just a dweeb with a Usenet group who loved movies, now it’s a race to fit as many Amazon sponsored ads on the screen as we can

Best feature of the new apartment has to be Rocco’s little observation deck

On Bluesky I’m gonna be RAW and REAL. One time in college I smoked weed and started crying when someone showed me a George Bush flubs compilation

Despicable, would you ask me to "sign in" before looking at a sunset? Before holding my newborn son for the first time???

Thinking about my highest-effort-lowest-payoff Tweets to run back on Bluesky, and remembering the time I made a playable demo of a fake video game for 28 likes: https://youtu.be/XwKM6ijNGmM

The ass is weiner on the other side

Thinking about Baby Sean doing terrible, utterly dogshit standup comedy in 2014 about how much he hated Elon Musk… He’d be so proud rn

Do I post hole now or what

Early Twitter vibes are BACK! I’m going to celebrate the only way I know how, by having 3 semi-viral tweets in 8 years, driving to LA with an overinflated sense of confidence from that, and barreling into a head on collision the first time I pull onto Hollywood boulevard

you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice