This message is for the weirdos walking their cats on leashes… I love you. I love your cat. Thank you.

Sometimes forgetting things is awesome. For instance, today I read something about Tulsi Gabbard and I thought why does her stupid opinion matter?? And for one beautiful moment, I lived in magical land where her bullshit was her problem. Then I remembered what her job was and everything sucked again

Do the super important thing I’m supposed to be doing or deep clean the kitchen floor?? Anyone wanna heap some more responsibility onto my shoulders? I’d like to get the bathroom floors done too…

Just locked eyes with a large, majestic hawk and explained that he could not have my dog. He seemed skeptical at first, but eventually decided that I was correct. He spread his majestic wings and flew his majestic self somewhere else. Did I mention that this hawk was majestic??

Quick shoutout my labor union @sagaftra.org for overtime pay!! Somebody’s getting themselves a lil treat tonight. Cake? Champagne? EGGS?!? The grocery store is my oyster tonight!! 😻

Hey, artists, in case you were wondering if your work matters: I'm a scientist working on climate change and biodiversity, and I would not be who I am today without The Lorax, The Secret of NIMH, Watership Down, The Last Unicorn, and The X-Files. I know I'm not alone. Thank you for all you do.

Overheard a guy on the phone say, “Dude, you’re the only person who’s ever seriously injured themselves during meditation.”

I love LA 💕

Look at this magnificent dog! She is perfect. Now you may return to your regular scrolling.

Stop fucking saying he blamed “DEI,” which is some abstract, non-tangible idea. He is blaming people of color having jobs he thinks they aren’t qualified for. He’s blaming race. He’s being racist every time he says it. Journalists need to get fucking backbones, my word.

Trump 2.0 Day 8: Constitutional Crisis

Trump 2.0 Day 9: Concentration Camps

Just opened the app and suddenly I have a bunch of new followers!! So happy you’re here!! Where’d you come from?? Guess I need to get this account into shape so y’all will stay… hang tight while I follow you back and scrounge up some entertaining content 🤩

I can’t believe we have another week left in this month… January has lasted for, what… 8 or 9 years already??

We finally did it, we managed to make Idiocracy look like a Criterion Collection classic

Throwback to a sketch I made ten thousand internet years ago #comedy

Well this is gonna suck…

I guess I’m here now!