Carlos Valencia
@carlosvalencia.bsky.social
The blueskiest comic in the world. A chihuahua with a skin disease. Totally blind.
Comedians feed:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:e7mkpu7gur4k7nocmh2dqroo/lists/3kh67uqh7fw2y
Comedians feed:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:e7mkpu7gur4k7nocmh2dqroo/lists/3kh67uqh7fw2y
I once tried to explain to a woman that the wet streak on the back of my underwear was not due to a poo stain but merely the product of ass sweat.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
November 16, 2025 at 10:30 PM
I once tried to explain to a woman that the wet streak on the back of my underwear was not due to a poo stain but merely the product of ass sweat.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
If your argument to defend the Trump policies that are ruining the country and affecting millions is "I'm doing fine"; then that about sums up all we need to know about your character.
November 11, 2025 at 10:23 PM
If your argument to defend the Trump policies that are ruining the country and affecting millions is "I'm doing fine"; then that about sums up all we need to know about your character.
Sometimes I see the people Facebook suggests I add as friends and it makes me feel like I need to smack Mark Zuckerberg on the snout.
November 9, 2025 at 6:34 PM
Sometimes I see the people Facebook suggests I add as friends and it makes me feel like I need to smack Mark Zuckerberg on the snout.
Felt hideous, deleted immediately.
November 8, 2025 at 12:31 AM
Felt hideous, deleted immediately.
So long, Dick Cheney…
November 5, 2025 at 1:46 AM
So long, Dick Cheney…
Reposted by Carlos Valencia
MULLIN: There was a sweetheart plea deal that was struck in 2009 under Obama
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
July 27, 2025 at 1:22 PM
MULLIN: There was a sweetheart plea deal that was struck in 2009 under Obama
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
I dressed up as an ICE agent for the Halloween party.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
November 1, 2025 at 12:16 AM
I dressed up as an ICE agent for the Halloween party.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
Call me a dork but I think you should always, and I mean Always, wear a condom.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
October 27, 2025 at 1:58 AM
Call me a dork but I think you should always, and I mean Always, wear a condom.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
I can't believe we're wasting all this money on a stupid ballroom when we could be using it to send more bailout cash to Argentina.
October 23, 2025 at 1:40 AM
I can't believe we're wasting all this money on a stupid ballroom when we could be using it to send more bailout cash to Argentina.
Congratulations to Donald Trump for finally completing all of Al-Qaeda's 9/11 goals. Osama would be proud.
October 21, 2025 at 7:43 PM
Congratulations to Donald Trump for finally completing all of Al-Qaeda's 9/11 goals. Osama would be proud.
If at this point you still don't know that semi-trucks make wide right turns, then you deserve to smash your car into an 18-wheeler.
October 19, 2025 at 6:51 PM
If at this point you still don't know that semi-trucks make wide right turns, then you deserve to smash your car into an 18-wheeler.
“Why are you protesting kings?? There’s no kings here!”
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
October 19, 2025 at 2:40 AM
“Why are you protesting kings?? There’s no kings here!”
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
For all those people that like to claim racial discrimination is a thing of the past in this country, think about this - it's been over 20 years since Old Dirty Bastard died and most states still refuse to recognize his birthday as a holiday.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
October 12, 2025 at 3:21 PM
For all those people that like to claim racial discrimination is a thing of the past in this country, think about this - it's been over 20 years since Old Dirty Bastard died and most states still refuse to recognize his birthday as a holiday.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
Apparently the Nobel Prize committee didn't hear about Donald Trump's groundbreaking Tylenol research.
October 6, 2025 at 10:58 PM
Apparently the Nobel Prize committee didn't hear about Donald Trump's groundbreaking Tylenol research.
I hate that they were being censored, but I miss the days when Pussy Riot was in the news, just because I loved hearing serious newscasters have to regularly say the words "Pussy Riot".
It's too bad Anal Cunt was never on Putin's radar.
It's too bad Anal Cunt was never on Putin's radar.
October 5, 2025 at 6:38 PM
I hate that they were being censored, but I miss the days when Pussy Riot was in the news, just because I loved hearing serious newscasters have to regularly say the words "Pussy Riot".
It's too bad Anal Cunt was never on Putin's radar.
It's too bad Anal Cunt was never on Putin's radar.
They're just like us.
October 2, 2025 at 10:27 PM
They're just like us.
Show idea for the next Riyadh Comedy Festival: An open-mic where everyone gets one minute to perform and if the host panel doesn't like the comic's set they get dismembered.
It's called Kill Kashoggi.
Where's my $500,000?
It's called Kill Kashoggi.
Where's my $500,000?
September 30, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Show idea for the next Riyadh Comedy Festival: An open-mic where everyone gets one minute to perform and if the host panel doesn't like the comic's set they get dismembered.
It's called Kill Kashoggi.
Where's my $500,000?
It's called Kill Kashoggi.
Where's my $500,000?
Not gonna lie, I'd probably do the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia, but that's just because I heard the Taliban might be there and I really want to get into the JiHAHAd Comic Competition.
September 29, 2025 at 8:19 PM
Not gonna lie, I'd probably do the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia, but that's just because I heard the Taliban might be there and I really want to get into the JiHAHAd Comic Competition.
The term "Legend" is overused.
To me the only true legend is the one that can tell you the meaning of every symbol on a map.
To me the only true legend is the one that can tell you the meaning of every symbol on a map.
September 28, 2025 at 7:28 PM
The term "Legend" is overused.
To me the only true legend is the one that can tell you the meaning of every symbol on a map.
To me the only true legend is the one that can tell you the meaning of every symbol on a map.
This is the first time Donald Trump and RFK Jr have given women pregnancy guidance that didn't involve cash and the address of an abortion clinic.
September 22, 2025 at 10:42 PM
This is the first time Donald Trump and RFK Jr have given women pregnancy guidance that didn't involve cash and the address of an abortion clinic.
Women's Waterpolo might as well change its name to Competitive Come On Titty!
September 21, 2025 at 9:48 PM
Women's Waterpolo might as well change its name to Competitive Come On Titty!
For everyone that keeps asking me who my favorite trampolinist is- it is, was, and always will be this guy. #TeamDongDong
September 14, 2025 at 7:44 PM
For everyone that keeps asking me who my favorite trampolinist is- it is, was, and always will be this guy. #TeamDongDong
Want to piss off a right-winger while exposing just how ignorant they are?
Just repeat their hero’s own words.
Just repeat their hero’s own words.
September 12, 2025 at 11:45 PM
Want to piss off a right-winger while exposing just how ignorant they are?
Just repeat their hero’s own words.
Just repeat their hero’s own words.
What an unfortunately worth it thing to happen…
September 11, 2025 at 7:14 AM
What an unfortunately worth it thing to happen…