Alan Machnik
@alanmachnik.bsky.social
Engineering Director. Comedy Writer. Husband. Father. 70% bacon, 40% bad at arithmetic.
Once fired from Ann Summers for getting Chas and Dave to do a stock take...
Once fired from Ann Summers for getting Chas and Dave to do a stock take...
Pinned
Alan Machnik
@alanmachnik.bsky.social
· Dec 28
I finally found where Shakin' Stevens stays when he's in Scotland...
I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters.
No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.
No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.
October 31, 2025 at 7:00 PM
I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters.
No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.
No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.
My addiction to Baby Powder has gotten so bad that I have to attend regular meetings of Talcoholics Anonymous.
October 21, 2025 at 2:32 PM
My addiction to Baby Powder has gotten so bad that I have to attend regular meetings of Talcoholics Anonymous.
It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income.
October 20, 2025 at 12:35 PM
It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income.
Saturday night 🤘🏻😎
September 27, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Saturday night 🤘🏻😎
If you don't want me to knock it over onto the floor don't write 'Tip Jar' on it.
September 14, 2025 at 11:43 AM
If you don't want me to knock it over onto the floor don't write 'Tip Jar' on it.
Our microwave is a real humdinger.
September 7, 2025 at 10:19 AM
Our microwave is a real humdinger.
Scooby Doo's favourite takeaway...
September 7, 2025 at 10:08 AM
Scooby Doo's favourite takeaway...
My abacus has been broken on countless occasions.
September 6, 2025 at 4:12 PM
My abacus has been broken on countless occasions.
Pretty sure this is some sort of Hate Crime...
September 6, 2025 at 1:13 PM
Pretty sure this is some sort of Hate Crime...
Prickpoul, surely...
August 31, 2025 at 4:15 PM
Prickpoul, surely...
I’m a Hobophobe, I don’t like dogs that wait until tomorrow to see if they want to settle down.
August 31, 2025 at 11:39 AM
I’m a Hobophobe, I don’t like dogs that wait until tomorrow to see if they want to settle down.
Son: Dad. Where does gammon come from?
Dad: There, son...
Dad: There, son...
August 30, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Son: Dad. Where does gammon come from?
Dad: There, son...
Dad: There, son...
What's the most dangerous dessert in the world?
Russian Roulade.
Russian Roulade.
August 29, 2025 at 9:12 PM
What's the most dangerous dessert in the world?
Russian Roulade.
Russian Roulade.
The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.
August 23, 2025 at 7:56 PM
The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.
Today I bought a Cool Dry Place, but I've no idea where to keep it.
August 22, 2025 at 6:13 PM
Today I bought a Cool Dry Place, but I've no idea where to keep it.
I bought some REM polish for my front door. I've now got a shiny, happy peephole.
August 21, 2025 at 1:05 PM
I bought some REM polish for my front door. I've now got a shiny, happy peephole.
I'll be honest, I really wish this was a Scottish Refrigeration business...
August 12, 2025 at 8:11 PM
I'll be honest, I really wish this was a Scottish Refrigeration business...
Who called them 'Ghost Stories', and not 'Seance Fiction'?
August 11, 2025 at 8:52 AM
Who called them 'Ghost Stories', and not 'Seance Fiction'?
Who called it 'a dead parrot' and not 'a polygon'?
August 10, 2025 at 9:04 AM
Who called it 'a dead parrot' and not 'a polygon'?
My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...
August 9, 2025 at 2:41 PM
My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...
Reposted by Alan Machnik
Say what you will about life, but at the end of the day, it’s night.
August 7, 2025 at 10:48 PM
Say what you will about life, but at the end of the day, it’s night.
Thanks to those who attended my Learn Computing Skills with Breakfast course ahead of tonight's Oasis gig. For those who missed out, you got a roll with IT.
August 8, 2025 at 1:54 PM
Thanks to those who attended my Learn Computing Skills with Breakfast course ahead of tonight's Oasis gig. For those who missed out, you got a roll with IT.
Today's Computing Course was too short. It was over before I knew IT.
August 8, 2025 at 1:18 PM
Today's Computing Course was too short. It was over before I knew IT.
My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.
August 3, 2025 at 11:14 AM
My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.
Who called it 'monkey shit' and not 'Rhesus faeces'?
August 3, 2025 at 6:44 AM
Who called it 'monkey shit' and not 'Rhesus faeces'?